Every now and then, I'm finding that I'm figuring out who I am by figuring out who I am not. Sure, it can be a huge process, but not one that come with no pay off. It's tough because I have trouble not looking at something as a failure when in actuality it's all a learning process. If I'm not taking away knowledge from the situation, then it would more of a failure. But, if I am continuing to grow, then what more can one ask for? Besides the World on a platter instead of feeling like it is on my back at times. I can't hate anything that I learn from, but why do the big lessons have to feel so terrible? I never understood the term "growing pains" until recently. I really didn't get where it was coming from or what it meant.
Tomorrow can only become better with the new knowledge I have of today.
"I feel it all" -Feist
I feel it all I feel it all
I feel it all I feel it all
The wings are wide the wings are wide
Wild card inside wild card inside
Oh I'll be the one who'll break my heart
I'll be the one to hold the gun
I know more than I knew before
I know more than I knew before
I didn't rest I didn't stop
Did we fight or did we talk
Oh I'll be the one who'll break my heart
I'll be the one to hold the gun
I love you more
I love you more
I don't know what I knew before
But now I know I wanna win the war
No one likes to take a test
Sometimes you know more is less
Put your weight against the door
Kick drum on the basement floor
Stranded in a fog of words
Loved him like a winter bird
On my head the water pours
Gulf stream through the open door
Fly away
Fly away to what you want to make
I feel it all, I feel it all
I feel it all I feel it all
The wings are wide, the wings are wide
Wild card inside, wild card inside
Oh I'll be the one to break my heart
I'll be the one who'll break my heart
I'll be the one who'll break my heart
I'll end it thought you started it
The truth lies
The truth lied
And lies divide
Lies divide
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Thursday, April 7, 2011
The Saltwater Room
I was recently introduced to the group Owl City, this is by far one of my favorite songs.
I opened my eyes last night and saw you in the low light
Walking down by the bay, on the shore, staring up at the planes that aren’t there anymore
I was feeling the night grow old and you were looking so cold
like an introvert, I drew my over shirt
Around my arms and began to shiver violently, before
You happened to look and see the tunnels all around me
Running into the dark underground
All the subways around create a great sound
To my motion fatigue: farewell
With your ear to a seashell
You can hear the waves in underwater caves
As if you actually were inside a saltwater room
Time together is just never quite enough
When you and I are alone, I’ve never felt so at home
What will it take to make or break this hint of love?
We need time, only time
When we’re apart whatever are you thinking of?
If this is what I call home, why does it feel so alone?
So tell me darling, do you wish we’d fall in love?
All the time, all the time.
Can you believe that the crew has gone and they wouldn’t let me sign on
All my islands have sunk in the deep, so I can hardly relax or even oversleep
I feel as if i were home, some nights, when we kill all the shiplights
I guess we'll never know why sparrows love the snow
We’ll turn out all of the lights and set this ballroom aglow
So tell me darling, do you wish we’d fall in love?
All the time.
Time together is just never quite enough
When you and I are alone, I’ve never felt so at home
What will it take to make or break this hint of love?
Only time, only time
When we’re apart whatever are you thinking of?
If this is what I call home, why does it feel so alone?
So tell me darling, do you wish we’d fall in love?
All the time, all the time.
Time together is just never quite enough
When we’re apart whatever are you thinking of?
What will it take to make or break this hint of love?
So tell me darling, do you wish we’d fall in love?
All the time.
I opened my eyes last night and saw you in the low light
Walking down by the bay, on the shore, staring up at the planes that aren’t there anymore
I was feeling the night grow old and you were looking so cold
like an introvert, I drew my over shirt
Around my arms and began to shiver violently, before
You happened to look and see the tunnels all around me
Running into the dark underground
All the subways around create a great sound
To my motion fatigue: farewell
With your ear to a seashell
You can hear the waves in underwater caves
As if you actually were inside a saltwater room
Time together is just never quite enough
When you and I are alone, I’ve never felt so at home
What will it take to make or break this hint of love?
We need time, only time
When we’re apart whatever are you thinking of?
If this is what I call home, why does it feel so alone?
So tell me darling, do you wish we’d fall in love?
All the time, all the time.
Can you believe that the crew has gone and they wouldn’t let me sign on
All my islands have sunk in the deep, so I can hardly relax or even oversleep
I feel as if i were home, some nights, when we kill all the shiplights
I guess we'll never know why sparrows love the snow
We’ll turn out all of the lights and set this ballroom aglow
So tell me darling, do you wish we’d fall in love?
All the time.
Time together is just never quite enough
When you and I are alone, I’ve never felt so at home
What will it take to make or break this hint of love?
Only time, only time
When we’re apart whatever are you thinking of?
If this is what I call home, why does it feel so alone?
So tell me darling, do you wish we’d fall in love?
All the time, all the time.
Time together is just never quite enough
When we’re apart whatever are you thinking of?
What will it take to make or break this hint of love?
So tell me darling, do you wish we’d fall in love?
All the time.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Honesty
I've always valued honesty, at least recently. It's very hard to love someone for their honesty when their honesty can sting so much. I wonder what honesty I've shared that's left scars.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
One Before the Other
At the end of this 12 weeks I expected something amazing to happen, perhaps fireworks out of nowhere. I don't know. I think I expected some sort of great explosion and suddenly the entire World would make sense and I'd have found my direct path to having everything I want out of life. What I have discovered is that my entire life does in fact needed to be dedicated to becoming the best-version-of-myself. For a while that seemed easy, I'd simply ask myself which choice makes me become the best version I can. Do I eat chicken and veggies after the gym, or swing by McDonald's because it is easier? Do I spend $400 on a new phone simply because I want it and it will make me happy for a few moments? Probably not the best idea.
I've discovered that the decisions become harder and harder when they start to become feelings of the heart. Sometimes the most painful things teach you the most. It seems so hard to always try and look for a light, a meaning, a sign, or something you are supposed to learn from a situation. It's hard to remember that everything that everyone does they do because they sincerely think it will make them happy. I've been doing better at thinking before I respond. Not so much as to take a breath and relax, but to stop and really think about the entire picture. Since this is new for me, it takes me a while to weigh things out and the responses don't always come so quickly. I've found that silence is by far becoming my best friend. To simply sit in silence, the World seems to speak directly into your ear. The ability to sit with myself, without the tv, without music, without a phone call or a roommate has become increasingly valuable. I used to think that crying was the best therapy to get emotion out, but I'm slowly discovering silence.
At my therapists office this last week, I was talking about intimacy and how I feel the need to always be talking when I'm with someone I care about. I was explaining my fear of silence and how I feel like I HAVE to fill it, because if I don't, then maybe nothing is there. Silence with my alone doesn't scare me, silence with someone else terrifies me. My therapist asked me if I realized that silence can also be a form of intimacy. And no, I hadn't. As a child I was always trying to fill every pocket of silence with something. I figured that if I didn't fill the silence, then someone or something else would and it might not be pleasant. Over time, I trained myself to jump into action during silence, it always kept all the guns and weapons down. Now, in trying to embrace silence, I find both peace and anxiety. My first course of action in embracing silence is to try and hand over control to it. To a certain extent that means handing over control to nothing, not even someone else, or something else, but to nothing. Can I learn to allow silence to take control of me and lead into more clarity.
I've discovered that the decisions become harder and harder when they start to become feelings of the heart. Sometimes the most painful things teach you the most. It seems so hard to always try and look for a light, a meaning, a sign, or something you are supposed to learn from a situation. It's hard to remember that everything that everyone does they do because they sincerely think it will make them happy. I've been doing better at thinking before I respond. Not so much as to take a breath and relax, but to stop and really think about the entire picture. Since this is new for me, it takes me a while to weigh things out and the responses don't always come so quickly. I've found that silence is by far becoming my best friend. To simply sit in silence, the World seems to speak directly into your ear. The ability to sit with myself, without the tv, without music, without a phone call or a roommate has become increasingly valuable. I used to think that crying was the best therapy to get emotion out, but I'm slowly discovering silence.
At my therapists office this last week, I was talking about intimacy and how I feel the need to always be talking when I'm with someone I care about. I was explaining my fear of silence and how I feel like I HAVE to fill it, because if I don't, then maybe nothing is there. Silence with my alone doesn't scare me, silence with someone else terrifies me. My therapist asked me if I realized that silence can also be a form of intimacy. And no, I hadn't. As a child I was always trying to fill every pocket of silence with something. I figured that if I didn't fill the silence, then someone or something else would and it might not be pleasant. Over time, I trained myself to jump into action during silence, it always kept all the guns and weapons down. Now, in trying to embrace silence, I find both peace and anxiety. My first course of action in embracing silence is to try and hand over control to it. To a certain extent that means handing over control to nothing, not even someone else, or something else, but to nothing. Can I learn to allow silence to take control of me and lead into more clarity.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Week 12, Day 7
I wish I had the perfect first line to start this final 12 week entry; I don't. In fact, it is 5:12am on Saturday night and I'm exhausted. I was just about to turn in for the night and I figured I'd do this last blog tomorrow or on Monday, when the time would be easier. What would I then title it? Week 13, Day 1-Day 2- Day 3, or whatever day I got around to doing it.
Honesty
When I started this, I wanted to prove to myself that I could go for 12 weeks without sex, pot/cigarettes, and alcohol. I just wanted to see what would happen, challenge myself for the Hell of it. I didn't see myself as having issues with any of these things at all. I was wrong.
Alcohol
The alcohol was easy to give up after the first two weeks of simply not allowing myself to have it. After that, day by day it became easier.
Smoking
The smoking was easy for the first week and then harder and harder for a few weeks. Eventually, the yearning for a cigarette has become something that only pops into my head every now and again. I do sort of feel like that will always be there.
Sex
This is perhaps the area in which I thought I didn't the least help and it turned out I needed the most. The only reason that I even decided to add sex into this experiment was because right before hand I had hooked up with someone that I'd had a crush on for years. Afterwards, it was very clear that it was just a hook up and the entire fantasy that I had in my head was shattered at my feet. The fantasy that I had created in my head and some how really thought was going to happen. The fact that this person from that point on would only ever see me as a hook up sort of broke my heart. I started to think about what would happen if I just choose to not have sex with anyone, that maybe it would make my value rise a bit and I'd feel better about myself. I didn't realize how right and how wrong I was, both at the same time. 1. You can't control how someone else sees you and how they see you says more about themselves then even what it could possibly say about you. 2. Value can't be measured by any form of sex, amount or other. At first, it was very difficult, I didn't realize how often I had been using sex simply to make myself feel like someone either cared about me, I was conquering someone, or I was just bored and wanted something to do. I didn't realize that sex had become a game to me. Meanwhile, vocally, I would talk about wanting a relationship and wanting more, but my actions said the complete opposite.
Learning....
Alcohol
1 pint of beer
1.5 cans of beer
1/2 a mojito
The above is all the alcohol I've consumed in the last 12 weeks. I had a pint of beer one night at Dave and Busters, apx. 9 weeks in. I allowed myself to have it because I felt like it. I didn't "want" it or "need" it. I didn't have it because I felt pressured, sad, depressed, or trying to cope with anything. The 1.5 cans of beer I had when I was preparing dinner with a friend. We were chatting and enjoying our time together, so I figured why not? The 1/2 mojito. I was eating at Sea in Brooklyn. I'm pretty sure it's illegal to eat there without having a mojito. All of these experiences I am fine with and I feel confident with my choices because they were just that, choices. Choices that I was completely aware of and knew I was making. It is also my way of slowing starting to try and live a life of moderation.
Smoking
I have had 0 cigarettes and I have taken 3 hits is weed. 2 of those were before I devoured an enormous meal and I had a great time chatting and laughing. The other time was also because I was in the right frame of mind and I felt good about where I was and what I was doing.
Sex
I have had 1 sexual partner during these 12 weeks. This person I didn't meet until week 4 and it seemed to come out of nowhere. Meeting someone during this process was the least expected thing in my mind. We started hanging out and it wasn't until a full month later that we were sexual together. So, around apx week 8. This is the first time, that I can ever remember, where I went on dates with someone for a month before having sex. And, although it wasn't the full 12 weeks, that month was worth the wait. Having sex with someone you feel an actual connection to is so much better. I think at some point becoming an adult, I forgot that. I forgot that I am worth waiting for and I forgot that I do have the respect for myself that I need to. I forgot that I am a special human being. I don't know how, but at some point, I just forgot. As I stand now, I don't know if I ever want to have sex with someone again that i don't at least feel a strong connection with. For a lot of people that seems like a no brainer, I'm sure, but I assure you, it isn't. I feel like I could go on and on about this topic forever, but it is closing in on 6am and I am tired.
I don't know how often I am going to update this blog now. I expected to call it 12 weeks and be done, but I still have a lot to learn.
When I started, I thought I was stumbling around and I needed to learn to walk and really take care of myself. What I learned is that I'm only stumbling because I am running so fast. I need to stop running for all the finish lines that don't exist and really learn to walk. There is so much more to experience and see when you are walking. There is so much more to feel and learn. There is so much more beauty in so many small moments if I'd just allow myself to enjoy them. I am still learning to walk, but at least now I'm more of speed walking instead of running full speed.
Honesty
When I started this, I wanted to prove to myself that I could go for 12 weeks without sex, pot/cigarettes, and alcohol. I just wanted to see what would happen, challenge myself for the Hell of it. I didn't see myself as having issues with any of these things at all. I was wrong.
Alcohol
The alcohol was easy to give up after the first two weeks of simply not allowing myself to have it. After that, day by day it became easier.
Smoking
The smoking was easy for the first week and then harder and harder for a few weeks. Eventually, the yearning for a cigarette has become something that only pops into my head every now and again. I do sort of feel like that will always be there.
Sex
This is perhaps the area in which I thought I didn't the least help and it turned out I needed the most. The only reason that I even decided to add sex into this experiment was because right before hand I had hooked up with someone that I'd had a crush on for years. Afterwards, it was very clear that it was just a hook up and the entire fantasy that I had in my head was shattered at my feet. The fantasy that I had created in my head and some how really thought was going to happen. The fact that this person from that point on would only ever see me as a hook up sort of broke my heart. I started to think about what would happen if I just choose to not have sex with anyone, that maybe it would make my value rise a bit and I'd feel better about myself. I didn't realize how right and how wrong I was, both at the same time. 1. You can't control how someone else sees you and how they see you says more about themselves then even what it could possibly say about you. 2. Value can't be measured by any form of sex, amount or other. At first, it was very difficult, I didn't realize how often I had been using sex simply to make myself feel like someone either cared about me, I was conquering someone, or I was just bored and wanted something to do. I didn't realize that sex had become a game to me. Meanwhile, vocally, I would talk about wanting a relationship and wanting more, but my actions said the complete opposite.
Learning....
Alcohol
1 pint of beer
1.5 cans of beer
1/2 a mojito
The above is all the alcohol I've consumed in the last 12 weeks. I had a pint of beer one night at Dave and Busters, apx. 9 weeks in. I allowed myself to have it because I felt like it. I didn't "want" it or "need" it. I didn't have it because I felt pressured, sad, depressed, or trying to cope with anything. The 1.5 cans of beer I had when I was preparing dinner with a friend. We were chatting and enjoying our time together, so I figured why not? The 1/2 mojito. I was eating at Sea in Brooklyn. I'm pretty sure it's illegal to eat there without having a mojito. All of these experiences I am fine with and I feel confident with my choices because they were just that, choices. Choices that I was completely aware of and knew I was making. It is also my way of slowing starting to try and live a life of moderation.
Smoking
I have had 0 cigarettes and I have taken 3 hits is weed. 2 of those were before I devoured an enormous meal and I had a great time chatting and laughing. The other time was also because I was in the right frame of mind and I felt good about where I was and what I was doing.
Sex
I have had 1 sexual partner during these 12 weeks. This person I didn't meet until week 4 and it seemed to come out of nowhere. Meeting someone during this process was the least expected thing in my mind. We started hanging out and it wasn't until a full month later that we were sexual together. So, around apx week 8. This is the first time, that I can ever remember, where I went on dates with someone for a month before having sex. And, although it wasn't the full 12 weeks, that month was worth the wait. Having sex with someone you feel an actual connection to is so much better. I think at some point becoming an adult, I forgot that. I forgot that I am worth waiting for and I forgot that I do have the respect for myself that I need to. I forgot that I am a special human being. I don't know how, but at some point, I just forgot. As I stand now, I don't know if I ever want to have sex with someone again that i don't at least feel a strong connection with. For a lot of people that seems like a no brainer, I'm sure, but I assure you, it isn't. I feel like I could go on and on about this topic forever, but it is closing in on 6am and I am tired.
I don't know how often I am going to update this blog now. I expected to call it 12 weeks and be done, but I still have a lot to learn.
When I started, I thought I was stumbling around and I needed to learn to walk and really take care of myself. What I learned is that I'm only stumbling because I am running so fast. I need to stop running for all the finish lines that don't exist and really learn to walk. There is so much more to experience and see when you are walking. There is so much more to feel and learn. There is so much more beauty in so many small moments if I'd just allow myself to enjoy them. I am still learning to walk, but at least now I'm more of speed walking instead of running full speed.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Week 12, Day 4
I am tired. In fact, just now in getting ready to place the title of this blog, "Week 12, Day 4", I started with Day 3 because I forgot about Tuesday when I was counting on my fingers. Yes, I am tired. I am also fulfilled. For the last almost 8 weeks now I have been working 3 different jobs and on my nights off, I've been having 3 hours rehearsals for a show that is officially going up at The Upright Citizens Brigade on April 14th. I am tired and feeling fulfilled because almost all my credit card debt is paid off and my student loans are caught up on. I am tired and fulfilled because I am busy being vulnerable and consciously aware of everything I'm doing and why. I am tired and fulfilled because I am learning so much about myself that it is exhausting and wonderful at the same time.
I just finished reading the chapter for Week 12, Discovering a Sense of Dignity. I still have the tasks to go back and do, but right now, doing the morning pages has been difficult enough. I am still doing them and feeling a great sense of ease throughout my day because of them. I'm looking forward to continuing to do them, they have become a part of my habit, a part of my life, and something that I will treasure in the future. To a certain degree, they have become me, as any great journal eventually does. They are pages that I don't lie to, that I don't try to paint myself a certain way to, they listen to me, they hear me, and they eventually tell me when to shut up and let something go. They have become a companion and a friend.
My painting is not yet finished. Not even close. Maybe 80 percent done and I know if I had a few hours to sit down and work, it would happily go along and the project would be over before I know it. I don't want it to feel like work though, and I want my heart to be in it. I don't want to have to force myself to sit down for a few hours. Perhaps tomorrow or the next day I can simply switch something out of my schedule and move the painting into the spot.
This week will quickly be coming to an end. Quickly, my 12 weeks will be over and I'll be back to giving myself the huge choice of doing whatever I want to again. But, I will also have the education and experience of these 12 weeks to remember how I now what to live my life. I haven't fully learned how to walk yet, but I'm working on it.
I just finished reading the chapter for Week 12, Discovering a Sense of Dignity. I still have the tasks to go back and do, but right now, doing the morning pages has been difficult enough. I am still doing them and feeling a great sense of ease throughout my day because of them. I'm looking forward to continuing to do them, they have become a part of my habit, a part of my life, and something that I will treasure in the future. To a certain degree, they have become me, as any great journal eventually does. They are pages that I don't lie to, that I don't try to paint myself a certain way to, they listen to me, they hear me, and they eventually tell me when to shut up and let something go. They have become a companion and a friend.
My painting is not yet finished. Not even close. Maybe 80 percent done and I know if I had a few hours to sit down and work, it would happily go along and the project would be over before I know it. I don't want it to feel like work though, and I want my heart to be in it. I don't want to have to force myself to sit down for a few hours. Perhaps tomorrow or the next day I can simply switch something out of my schedule and move the painting into the spot.
This week will quickly be coming to an end. Quickly, my 12 weeks will be over and I'll be back to giving myself the huge choice of doing whatever I want to again. But, I will also have the education and experience of these 12 weeks to remember how I now what to live my life. I haven't fully learned how to walk yet, but I'm working on it.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Week 11, Day 6
Yesterday, for what might be the first time in my entire life, I let another human being know what my needs are. And, the World didn't end. Who'd have known? How many times in my life have I left my own needs unmet because I was simply trying to meet everyone else's? How many times have I ignored myself for the peace of everyone else? How many times have I simply gotten frustrated from situations and walked away because I felt I wasn't being heard, but I wasn't speaking either? Not only to other people, but how many times have I ignored my own needs from myself and decided that it was simpler to just not want and not need?
Growing up, walking into my home was the equivalent of walking into a hurricane. I never had any idea which way was up and I never had any idea what was going to be hiding behind the front door. I assumed nothing was lasting beyond one moment, emotions could flip the world in a moment and leave us all crashing below. It never accord to me that not EVERYONE in the World has emotions that come and go like the ocean tide.
I'm almost up to week 12. It really shocks me how quickly time has flown by and how unbearably slow at times too. There is no finish line here, just one day at a time.
Growing up, walking into my home was the equivalent of walking into a hurricane. I never had any idea which way was up and I never had any idea what was going to be hiding behind the front door. I assumed nothing was lasting beyond one moment, emotions could flip the world in a moment and leave us all crashing below. It never accord to me that not EVERYONE in the World has emotions that come and go like the ocean tide.
I'm almost up to week 12. It really shocks me how quickly time has flown by and how unbearably slow at times too. There is no finish line here, just one day at a time.
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