I wish I had the perfect first line to start this final 12 week entry; I don't. In fact, it is 5:12am on Saturday night and I'm exhausted. I was just about to turn in for the night and I figured I'd do this last blog tomorrow or on Monday, when the time would be easier. What would I then title it? Week 13, Day 1-Day 2- Day 3, or whatever day I got around to doing it.
Honesty
When I started this, I wanted to prove to myself that I could go for 12 weeks without sex, pot/cigarettes, and alcohol. I just wanted to see what would happen, challenge myself for the Hell of it. I didn't see myself as having issues with any of these things at all. I was wrong.
Alcohol
The alcohol was easy to give up after the first two weeks of simply not allowing myself to have it. After that, day by day it became easier.
Smoking
The smoking was easy for the first week and then harder and harder for a few weeks. Eventually, the yearning for a cigarette has become something that only pops into my head every now and again. I do sort of feel like that will always be there.
Sex
This is perhaps the area in which I thought I didn't the least help and it turned out I needed the most. The only reason that I even decided to add sex into this experiment was because right before hand I had hooked up with someone that I'd had a crush on for years. Afterwards, it was very clear that it was just a hook up and the entire fantasy that I had in my head was shattered at my feet. The fantasy that I had created in my head and some how really thought was going to happen. The fact that this person from that point on would only ever see me as a hook up sort of broke my heart. I started to think about what would happen if I just choose to not have sex with anyone, that maybe it would make my value rise a bit and I'd feel better about myself. I didn't realize how right and how wrong I was, both at the same time. 1. You can't control how someone else sees you and how they see you says more about themselves then even what it could possibly say about you. 2. Value can't be measured by any form of sex, amount or other. At first, it was very difficult, I didn't realize how often I had been using sex simply to make myself feel like someone either cared about me, I was conquering someone, or I was just bored and wanted something to do. I didn't realize that sex had become a game to me. Meanwhile, vocally, I would talk about wanting a relationship and wanting more, but my actions said the complete opposite.
Learning....
Alcohol
1 pint of beer
1.5 cans of beer
1/2 a mojito
The above is all the alcohol I've consumed in the last 12 weeks. I had a pint of beer one night at Dave and Busters, apx. 9 weeks in. I allowed myself to have it because I felt like it. I didn't "want" it or "need" it. I didn't have it because I felt pressured, sad, depressed, or trying to cope with anything. The 1.5 cans of beer I had when I was preparing dinner with a friend. We were chatting and enjoying our time together, so I figured why not? The 1/2 mojito. I was eating at Sea in Brooklyn. I'm pretty sure it's illegal to eat there without having a mojito. All of these experiences I am fine with and I feel confident with my choices because they were just that, choices. Choices that I was completely aware of and knew I was making. It is also my way of slowing starting to try and live a life of moderation.
Smoking
I have had 0 cigarettes and I have taken 3 hits is weed. 2 of those were before I devoured an enormous meal and I had a great time chatting and laughing. The other time was also because I was in the right frame of mind and I felt good about where I was and what I was doing.
Sex
I have had 1 sexual partner during these 12 weeks. This person I didn't meet until week 4 and it seemed to come out of nowhere. Meeting someone during this process was the least expected thing in my mind. We started hanging out and it wasn't until a full month later that we were sexual together. So, around apx week 8. This is the first time, that I can ever remember, where I went on dates with someone for a month before having sex. And, although it wasn't the full 12 weeks, that month was worth the wait. Having sex with someone you feel an actual connection to is so much better. I think at some point becoming an adult, I forgot that. I forgot that I am worth waiting for and I forgot that I do have the respect for myself that I need to. I forgot that I am a special human being. I don't know how, but at some point, I just forgot. As I stand now, I don't know if I ever want to have sex with someone again that i don't at least feel a strong connection with. For a lot of people that seems like a no brainer, I'm sure, but I assure you, it isn't. I feel like I could go on and on about this topic forever, but it is closing in on 6am and I am tired.
I don't know how often I am going to update this blog now. I expected to call it 12 weeks and be done, but I still have a lot to learn.
When I started, I thought I was stumbling around and I needed to learn to walk and really take care of myself. What I learned is that I'm only stumbling because I am running so fast. I need to stop running for all the finish lines that don't exist and really learn to walk. There is so much more to experience and see when you are walking. There is so much more to feel and learn. There is so much more beauty in so many small moments if I'd just allow myself to enjoy them. I am still learning to walk, but at least now I'm more of speed walking instead of running full speed.
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