Week 12, Day 4

I am tired. In fact, just now in getting ready to place the title of this blog, "Week 12, Day 4", I started with Day 3 because I forgot about Tuesday when I was counting on my fingers. Yes, I am tired. I am also fulfilled. For the last almost 8 weeks now I have been working 3 different jobs and on my nights off, I've been having 3 hours rehearsals for a show that is officially going up at The Upright Citizens Brigade on April 14th. I am tired and feeling fulfilled because almost all my credit card debt is paid off and my student loans are caught up on. I am tired and fulfilled because I am busy being vulnerable and consciously aware of everything I'm doing and why. I am tired and fulfilled because I am learning so much about myself that it is exhausting and wonderful at the same time.

I just finished reading the chapter for Week 12, Discovering a Sense of Dignity. I still have the tasks to go back and do, but right now, doing the morning pages has been difficult enough. I am still doing them and feeling a great sense of ease throughout my day because of them. I'm looking forward to continuing to do them, they have become a part of my habit, a part of my life, and something that I will treasure in the future. To a certain degree, they have become me, as any great journal eventually does. They are pages that I don't lie to, that I don't try to paint myself a certain way to, they listen to me, they hear me, and they eventually tell me when to shut up and let something go. They have become a companion and a friend.

My painting is not yet finished. Not even close. Maybe 80 percent done and I know if I had a few hours to sit down and work, it would happily go along and the project would be over before I know it. I don't want it to feel like work though, and I want my heart to be in it. I don't want to have to force myself to sit down for a few hours. Perhaps tomorrow or the next day I can simply switch something out of my schedule and move the painting into the spot.

This week will quickly be coming to an end. Quickly, my 12 weeks will be over and I'll be back to giving myself the huge choice of doing whatever I want to again. But, I will also have the education and experience of these 12 weeks to remember how I now what to live my life. I haven't fully learned how to walk yet, but I'm working on it.