Morning Pages: CHECK!
I really don't have anything big to report today. I saw Rabbit Hole, not exactly the most uplifting film I've ever seen, but I wasn't really expecting it to be.
I painted for an hour last night. I'm doing a 4X4 canvas for above my bed in my new room. I'm excited about how it's going to turn out. Just the feel of the brush in my hand felt great, it's been too long. I'll post a picture when I'm finished.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Week 5, Day 1
DISCOVERING a SENSE of PERSONAL TERRITORY!!
FIRST THINGS FIRST
Yesterday, before work I wrote all about wanting to dance; how much I miss it. Last night, I danced. I was working with my buddy behind the bar and we danced back and froth for hours. We were just having fun and being ridiculous. I could feel the heart energy radiating off me, I LOVED IT. We were crazy busy, but that didn't stop us from enjoying the moments. One of our favorite past times while working is to mimic what the go-go boys do on the boxes. Before I knew it, I was juggling grape fruit juice cans and eventually limes. :-) I learned how to juggle for a play my freshman year in High School. You'd be surprised the amount of times I do it just to be silly. I should learn a few tricks, it could actually come in pretty handy at some point. I'm not sure exactly when, but hey, ya never know. The point of all this, we danced. I danced and no one died. Who knew?
The title for chapter 1 of Week 5 is, "SEXUALITY VS. CARE-TAKING"
I MEAN, REALLY? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? The whole chapter is about how when you start to go into a relationship or involved in one, that as an artist you have to make sure that you both are taking care of each other and that you one of you is not spending creative energy on simply taking care of the other person. This pertains to my life in a completely unbelievable way. I can't count the amount of times that I have wasted my own personal energy on someone that was undeserving of it, or simply wanted to suck the energy from me. I can't count the amount of times that I've abandoned myself for the care of someone else. The chapter goes on to talk about the connection between sexuality and creativity. It explains how much having love in your life beings light and creativity to you when it is equal. I've never dated an "artist" of any sort. But, I think I should, maybe we would understand each other better? I have friends that are artists and friends that aren't creative at all and don't understand it. You can probably guess which of these groups I talk to about my thoughts, dreams, and goals.
I'm really excited to see where this chapter is going to come and play into my life.
The next chapter is "Stop Being "Nice," and Be Honest." :-)
FIRST THINGS FIRST
Yesterday, before work I wrote all about wanting to dance; how much I miss it. Last night, I danced. I was working with my buddy behind the bar and we danced back and froth for hours. We were just having fun and being ridiculous. I could feel the heart energy radiating off me, I LOVED IT. We were crazy busy, but that didn't stop us from enjoying the moments. One of our favorite past times while working is to mimic what the go-go boys do on the boxes. Before I knew it, I was juggling grape fruit juice cans and eventually limes. :-) I learned how to juggle for a play my freshman year in High School. You'd be surprised the amount of times I do it just to be silly. I should learn a few tricks, it could actually come in pretty handy at some point. I'm not sure exactly when, but hey, ya never know. The point of all this, we danced. I danced and no one died. Who knew?
The title for chapter 1 of Week 5 is, "SEXUALITY VS. CARE-TAKING"
I MEAN, REALLY? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? The whole chapter is about how when you start to go into a relationship or involved in one, that as an artist you have to make sure that you both are taking care of each other and that you one of you is not spending creative energy on simply taking care of the other person. This pertains to my life in a completely unbelievable way. I can't count the amount of times that I have wasted my own personal energy on someone that was undeserving of it, or simply wanted to suck the energy from me. I can't count the amount of times that I've abandoned myself for the care of someone else. The chapter goes on to talk about the connection between sexuality and creativity. It explains how much having love in your life beings light and creativity to you when it is equal. I've never dated an "artist" of any sort. But, I think I should, maybe we would understand each other better? I have friends that are artists and friends that aren't creative at all and don't understand it. You can probably guess which of these groups I talk to about my thoughts, dreams, and goals.
I'm really excited to see where this chapter is going to come and play into my life.
The next chapter is "Stop Being "Nice," and Be Honest." :-)
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Week 4, Day 7
CLOSING UP WEEK 4!
I guess today sort of, kind of, constitutes as a month. January isn't over, but it has been 4 complete weeks. I feel like I've hit some sort of rough patch and it's really been tough on me. I just feel frustrated, but I haven't given up. I know that nothing worth anything is easy to get, so I am just choosing to push on and see what happens. This entire week I've been surprised by what the slightest insecurities have caused me to want to do. From drinking, to smoking, to sex, all of which I didn't do. It wasn't until this week that I realized I do have a lot of things that I cling to in order to stay in a feeling and stance of control. When, all of them really just make me in less control. I know all of my answers can be found out there, I just have to look and eventually I think I'll be happy with what I find.
MORNING PAGES! CHECK.
TASK: ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE
I had to finish the phrase, 10 times, "Secretly, I would love to...."
After listing my ten secrets, I picked one to write about for 15 minutes. I wrote about dancing. I miss dancing. It's been a very long time since I've been out to a club (when I wasn't working) and just danced and had fun. It's been so long that I can't even remember the last time. When I was in high school I had a buddy that I would always go out with on the weekends. For hours we would dance and nothing else in the world seemed to matter. Neither of us had any cares, any unmet needs, nothing. All we heard and felt were the vibrations of the music and our feet floating above the floor. For hours we would thrash around uncontrollably and be teenagers. We were free. I miss dancing like that, when the entire world would seem to just rip apart at the seams.
TASK: Invention vs. Convention
This exercise asks you to have a conversation with yourself between what would be considered the artistic side (the emotional side and so forth) and the logical side.
My conversation actually went really well and I felt like I learned a little bit. A lot of the questions that I might be trying to look for, they already exist in myself. I need to be more open to hearing them and letting them guide me.
TOMORROW- Week 5, Discovering a Sense of Personal Territory.
I guess today sort of, kind of, constitutes as a month. January isn't over, but it has been 4 complete weeks. I feel like I've hit some sort of rough patch and it's really been tough on me. I just feel frustrated, but I haven't given up. I know that nothing worth anything is easy to get, so I am just choosing to push on and see what happens. This entire week I've been surprised by what the slightest insecurities have caused me to want to do. From drinking, to smoking, to sex, all of which I didn't do. It wasn't until this week that I realized I do have a lot of things that I cling to in order to stay in a feeling and stance of control. When, all of them really just make me in less control. I know all of my answers can be found out there, I just have to look and eventually I think I'll be happy with what I find.
MORNING PAGES! CHECK.
TASK: ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE
I had to finish the phrase, 10 times, "Secretly, I would love to...."
After listing my ten secrets, I picked one to write about for 15 minutes. I wrote about dancing. I miss dancing. It's been a very long time since I've been out to a club (when I wasn't working) and just danced and had fun. It's been so long that I can't even remember the last time. When I was in high school I had a buddy that I would always go out with on the weekends. For hours we would dance and nothing else in the world seemed to matter. Neither of us had any cares, any unmet needs, nothing. All we heard and felt were the vibrations of the music and our feet floating above the floor. For hours we would thrash around uncontrollably and be teenagers. We were free. I miss dancing like that, when the entire world would seem to just rip apart at the seams.
TASK: Invention vs. Convention
This exercise asks you to have a conversation with yourself between what would be considered the artistic side (the emotional side and so forth) and the logical side.
My conversation actually went really well and I felt like I learned a little bit. A lot of the questions that I might be trying to look for, they already exist in myself. I need to be more open to hearing them and letting them guide me.
TOMORROW- Week 5, Discovering a Sense of Personal Territory.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Week 4, Day 6
Today I've felt an underlying pit of anxiety all day and I'm not sure exactly why. It's starting to get rather annoying and I wish it would just go away. I feel like I need to do something really creative to get it out of my system. I have an idea of a painting floating around in my head. Tomorrow for my "artist's date", I plan to go and buy paints, and get it out of my head. There is a 4 ft by 4 ft canvas dancing in my head.
Morning Pages
CHECK.
Tomorrow has come so quickly this week. I have to finish up two exercises along with the artist's date. I think with this process, simply the morning pages are what has really helped me the most.
The urge to drink has pretty much completely gone away, but when I get stressed out, a cigarette is my first craving. I can almost taste the smoke on my lips and feel it lowering my heart rate. I've never really been a smoker, just when I feel something that I want to go away. Escapes become harder when you latch up all the doors.
Morning Pages
CHECK.
Tomorrow has come so quickly this week. I have to finish up two exercises along with the artist's date. I think with this process, simply the morning pages are what has really helped me the most.
The urge to drink has pretty much completely gone away, but when I get stressed out, a cigarette is my first craving. I can almost taste the smoke on my lips and feel it lowering my heart rate. I've never really been a smoker, just when I feel something that I want to go away. Escapes become harder when you latch up all the doors.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Week 4, Day 5
A NEW WAY TO DEAL
For pretty much as long as I can remember, I've always been someone that gets attention from someone else when the person I want attention from isn't giving it to me. Right now it is interesting for me because a lot of times in my past that would be sexual attention. Now, because I am choosing to not have sex, what do I do when I want attention and the person I want it from isn't being very giving? Keep in mind, I'm not talking about in a relationship, I don't run off to someone else the second I don't get what I want when actually dating. Sadly, my usual go to as something to make myself feel better about myself is sex. I think that's safe to say for a lot of people, but it is something I'm aware of that I do. It's also something I'm aware of that I'm trying to change. So, the question comes up now, where do I go now when I need to feel better about myself and I'm not using sex, alcohol, or weed? After a long conversation on the phone with a close friend, he simply pointed out, "why don't you do something for yourself instead of doing something for someone else?" DUH! This is actually something that I learned a long LONG long time ago and it some how escaped me.
GOAL for tomorrow- do something special for myself.
MORNING PAGES - CHECK
For pretty much as long as I can remember, I've always been someone that gets attention from someone else when the person I want attention from isn't giving it to me. Right now it is interesting for me because a lot of times in my past that would be sexual attention. Now, because I am choosing to not have sex, what do I do when I want attention and the person I want it from isn't being very giving? Keep in mind, I'm not talking about in a relationship, I don't run off to someone else the second I don't get what I want when actually dating. Sadly, my usual go to as something to make myself feel better about myself is sex. I think that's safe to say for a lot of people, but it is something I'm aware of that I do. It's also something I'm aware of that I'm trying to change. So, the question comes up now, where do I go now when I need to feel better about myself and I'm not using sex, alcohol, or weed? After a long conversation on the phone with a close friend, he simply pointed out, "why don't you do something for yourself instead of doing something for someone else?" DUH! This is actually something that I learned a long LONG long time ago and it some how escaped me.
GOAL for tomorrow- do something special for myself.
MORNING PAGES - CHECK
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Week 4, Day 4
I started working at a new job this week, so my schedule is busier then usual. I'm glad about the new job though, because I want to finally pay off my student loans and any credit card debt I have. It would just be awesome to not even have to think about those two things at all. I'd also like to take a few new auditioning classes and such, so every bit helps.
The sketching is coming along. I've never felt sketching was a strong point for myself, but I sort of enjoy my very "abstract" shots.
MORNING PAGES: CHECK!! At this point, the are just habit, I don't even have to think twice to remember to do them.
I have a lot more I'd like to share, but it is very late and I am very tired. Hopefully tomorrow I'll get to dive in further.
NIGHT
The sketching is coming along. I've never felt sketching was a strong point for myself, but I sort of enjoy my very "abstract" shots.
MORNING PAGES: CHECK!! At this point, the are just habit, I don't even have to think twice to remember to do them.
I have a lot more I'd like to share, but it is very late and I am very tired. Hopefully tomorrow I'll get to dive in further.
NIGHT
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Week 4, Day 3
There is snow falling outside in huge chunks which makes me think that maybe this snow fall some will actually stay around for a while. I do enjoy the snow, mainly being from Michigan and all. But, for Walking in this World, it just means that it is also very cold out and I have to do a solid one hour walk sometime this week.
Morning Pages:
As I remember from the Artist's Way, eventually your morning pages become calmer and more legible. For the last few weeks my pages have been filled with swopping letters and words that barely stay within the lines. This week, everything seems more focused, less rushed, more thought out. As I recall, that same thing happened before. My pages have also seemed to become less negative, which is always nice.
SKETCHING!!!
I'm about to head to Starbucks for coffee, and to sketch out an image. Then off to the gym and training at a new job later. :-)
Morning Pages:
As I remember from the Artist's Way, eventually your morning pages become calmer and more legible. For the last few weeks my pages have been filled with swopping letters and words that barely stay within the lines. This week, everything seems more focused, less rushed, more thought out. As I recall, that same thing happened before. My pages have also seemed to become less negative, which is always nice.
SKETCHING!!!
I'm about to head to Starbucks for coffee, and to sketch out an image. Then off to the gym and training at a new job later. :-)
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