Week 7, Day 4

The world is so different without alcohol eyeglasses. My entire life is really starting to make sense and I'm learning how to gauge things that are going on in my life. I am starting to learn what really matters and what I would actually like to do with my life. I think starting this summer I'm going to be going back to school for Psychology. I'd like to be able to help other people the way that my therapist has helped me in so many ways. I think I finally figured out what my purpose in life is, and it is to help people. I think helping people and showing them love is the only thing in my life that is going to leave me feeling fulfilled. And, luckily the world needs a lot of love, so maybe it isn't such a bad thing. This is of course, just an idea, but something I feel pretty good about. I also, don't want to be 40, 35, or even 30 and bar tending. I want more then that for myself.

This entire 7 weeks has been crazy to me, I don't even know how I've gotten to where I am. It's been pretty emotionally up and down, but all good. Every emotion is good, at least as far as I can tell. In the book I'm reading, "The Rhythm of Life," it talks about how everything that everyone does is out of love. Everything that everyone does sincerely thinks that the actions they are doing is going to make them happy. And, I believe it. I know everything I do always has me thinking it's the right choice. If I step back and look at the larger picture though and what I actually want from life, I realize it isn't necessarily true and the choice I want to make changes right in front of me.

Off to my on-camera class!

Week 7, Day 3

I'm still here, I'm still on board.

I missed updating this page on Sunday and Monday, but I still did the work.

Sunday was an awesome day and I did put the morning pages off until about 3am. I almost fell asleep writing them. But, I have to find some sort of balance between putting all of this work first and having fun in my life too. I've been spending a lot of time trying to figure things out for myself, which has been awesome, but I need to really find a safe balance to make sure that I'm not using this work to ignore other things in my life. Perhaps reading two books at the same time, taking an on-camera class, doing the blog, and starting a new job is a little much all at the same time. I am half way through though, no stopping now.

Abstinence is changing my life and total way of thinking and looking at relationships. The other day, I reached a level of intimacy with someone that I hadn't experienced in a very long time. It was strange to me to feel so connected and in tune with someone and not have actual sex be involved. It was a very interesting lesson to learn and I really don't know how to explain it. But, I can't believe that I hadn't experienced it earlier on in life.

Some of the lessons I've been learning for the past few weeks have been tough, and hard to hear at best. I'm glad that I'm figuring so many things out though. The other day I my entire life's emotional timeline fell into place and I realized exactly what and why I've been doing things since I was 10 years old. There was an enormous moment of gratitude and silence. Everything just clicked and I loved it. I can only hope and pray for many more moments exactly like that.

Week 6, Day 7

Today ends week 6, Discovering a Sense of Boundaries.

I don't know if I've had any boundary issues this week. I've had my boundaries sexually respected, which was actually really nice. The person said, I respect your choice. To be honest, if I were with someone who said they were currently practicing abstinence I don't know if I'd be able to help myself from pressing the envelope. It's a great feeling to hear someone say, "I respect you." I realize how weird that sounds, everyone should respect each other, and I know that I don't always do it myself. The experience makes me want to reexamine past situations I've been in and understand how respectful I am or am not to everyone else.

This week has been rough for me emotionally. I really have such massive ups and downs with emotions. When I get stressed out, I get anxiety and I STILL want to smoke. I literally was only smoking maybe 1 or 2 cigarettes a day for maybe 8 weeks. I was nowhere near a pack a day or anything close to that. But, still after 6 full weeks I feel a draw to smoke when I get stressed. Perhaps I was addicted to nicotine a bit? I still haven't drank, which has been very difficult because of the bartending. But, overall, I'm getting much more done productivity wise with my life.

My painting is coming along nicely. And I'm excited to have it eventually hanging in my room.

Tomorrow begins week 7, Discovering a Sense of Momentum....

Week 6, Day 6

Today I worked my first double shift bartending in years. I used to do it all the time when I worked a little bar in HK, but this is a little different.

I woke up after an awesome night and wrote my morning pages.

Tomorrow I have a good amount of work to do as well to finish off this week.

Week 6, Day 5

Dear Morning Pages,

Thank You.

Love,
Thomas.

Doing the morning pages everyday has helped me in so many different ways. It has really allowed me to think things out thoroughly and make more logical and emotionally sound choices. I don't have the same thoughts a million times over and over and over again all day any more. Granted, there are still times where I obsess about issues in my life, but for the most part, I haven't been too much.

Week 6 is coming to a close shortly, but my painting is coming along nicely. I've been writing a ton and I feel more connected to myself. Right now, I feel pretty damn happy.

Week 6, Day 4

It's been a really busy week. I've had rehearsal or work every day along with starting a new class. I haven't even had time to finish reading this weeks chapter, which is a rarity for me. I'm about to read a bit now before bed.

Morning Pages: CHECK!

Week 6, Day 3

LONG DAY!

I need to update this in the morning again and no longer at night. I'm too tired to think right now.