Time flies. I can't believe I'm already half way through week 11. I have one more week to go, and I still have so much I feel that I need/want to learn about myself. New discoveries are happening quickly and at a rate that I haven't felt in a long time. My sense of patience has multiplied a thousand fold and for that I am truly thankful. I feel more empathy, compassion, and love, not only for other people, but also for myself. I don't know why I'm so hard on myself and why I feel the need to meet everyone else's needs, but not my own. At what point did I decide that I should come in second place in my own life? More then once I've had someone say sarcastically, "And you're so humble too." In actuality, I am rather humble, but if you don't pat yourself on the back everyone now and again, or be your own biggest fan, how can you expect anyone else to? I guess that sort of is the same as, "if you don't love yourself, how can you expect anyone else to?"
I've finished all the tasks for week 11, which is great for me. All too often I've been running around Saturday and Sunday trying my best to get everything around. This weeks chapter was all about picking yourself up when you feel thrown down. It's exactly what I needed this week too. In a sense, I feel kicked to the curb and I needed a reminder to stand back up and keep walking. The chapter challenges you to ask, "What's next", instead of, "Why me". It also challenges you to look for a lesson in what's going on, instead of just assuming that you are not in control of anything that is happening in your life.
Well, what's next?
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Monday, March 14, 2011
Week 11, Day 2
Am I losing my voice?
For the last few weeks there has been a small battle raging in my head that draws the line between my first thoughts and the changes I'm trying to make in my life about how I relate to certain topics, issues, and people. Because I am so aware of what I'm thinking, I've been doing a lot of thinking before I speak. This is something that I've been proud of myself for because all too often I just allow the first thing that pops into my head to come flying out. It was brought to my attention today by my therapist that perhaps I'm not allowing myself to be fully heard because I am censoring myself too much. Once again, I need to find some balance. When do I need to be honest with what I'm feeling and when is it okay to take time and think about how I'm feeling before I respond? I've been doing so well with examining my feelings and thoughts, but now it feels as though maybe they are pilling on top of each other because they aren't getting released at all. I feel frustrated and really the only person to blame is myself, because I've chosen to silence myself.
I'm very good at meeting other peoples needs, when I know what they are. But, am I good also at expressing my own needs and wants? Further more, if I really sit down and think about it, do I really know what my needs are? For a long time I've been focused always on the needs of others that it is a tricky question to ask what I want. Maybe I really don't know, or maybe, I just haven't taken the time to dive in and figure it out.
For the last few weeks there has been a small battle raging in my head that draws the line between my first thoughts and the changes I'm trying to make in my life about how I relate to certain topics, issues, and people. Because I am so aware of what I'm thinking, I've been doing a lot of thinking before I speak. This is something that I've been proud of myself for because all too often I just allow the first thing that pops into my head to come flying out. It was brought to my attention today by my therapist that perhaps I'm not allowing myself to be fully heard because I am censoring myself too much. Once again, I need to find some balance. When do I need to be honest with what I'm feeling and when is it okay to take time and think about how I'm feeling before I respond? I've been doing so well with examining my feelings and thoughts, but now it feels as though maybe they are pilling on top of each other because they aren't getting released at all. I feel frustrated and really the only person to blame is myself, because I've chosen to silence myself.
I'm very good at meeting other peoples needs, when I know what they are. But, am I good also at expressing my own needs and wants? Further more, if I really sit down and think about it, do I really know what my needs are? For a long time I've been focused always on the needs of others that it is a tricky question to ask what I want. Maybe I really don't know, or maybe, I just haven't taken the time to dive in and figure it out.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Week 11, Day 1
I am not behind on the learning scale, but I am behind on the scale of getting through chapter 10 and starting 11. I haven't finished the tasks and I honestly haven't had time. Work has been overwhelming and at moments my emotional life as well. I just feel tired right now. I am forcing myself even at this moment to stammer through this typing. I feel like I have a huge amount of things on my plate right now and I'm wondering why I'm attacking it all so head on right now. I need to give myself a slight vacation from myself.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Week 10, Day 4
A daily dose of the truth.
For what seems like my entire life, basically as far back as I can remember, I have felt a need to be in control of every aspect of my life. This started as a child with me continually trying to stop my family from fighting. I don't have much of a memory of growing up before the age of 10. It was around that time that my mom had brain surgery and then divorced my dad. At that point, it seems like everything fell apart and my job was to try and put everything together and keep it that way. I remember laying in bed trying to stay awake for hours with anxiety in the pit of my stomach, waiting for the next big fight to break out. I remember my house feeling like glass, just waiting to be dropped and shattered. I felt like I had no one and nothing to hold on to for support and comfort. My ears were constantly scanning every noise, every movement, trying to anticipate the movements of my family and what was going to happen. I started trying to be the clown, to get the attention, to make everyone look at me and ignore any problems that were really peaking around corners. I had learned how to control the World. Or, at least I thought I had. As long as I was on constant duty, I could keep everyone happy, I could keep everyone alive. Yes, alive. For years I literally felt that if I didn't keep everything from boiling over, someone was going to die. These lessons slowly molded me into thinking that I needed to be everywhere, all the time, and I needed to constantly be on watch or the World would fall apart.
Between the ages of 10 and 16 I doubt I slept for more then 5 hours a night at most. I would lay in bed and pray for fences of angels to come and protect every inch of the house, my family, and anything that could possibly break and cause a fall out. I moved out of my home town and to New York when I was 18, a couple weeks after graduating high school. I wanted to get away, from everything, everyone. I wanted to leave my family and no longer feel like I had to keep everyone safe. I took the lessons of control that I had gained and applied them to myself. 7 years later, I am controlling every part of my life to the point that I don't allow myself to breathe. 2 months ago, I decided I wanted to control myself more and I placed rules around myself, no smoking, no drinking, no sex. In placing myself in the situation that I have, I only realize now how much I need to not control myself so much.
When I began this journey I was at a place in my life where I was sleeping with a good amount of people, drinking more then a good amount and smoking just to smoke. When I decided to embark on this journey I knew that I was ready for some changes but what I thought I was ready for was to place more control on myself and to really try and get my life together. What I didn't realize that what I really needed was to allow myself more freedom then I already was. Although that sound contradicting, let me expand. I had become a slave to alcohol, sex, and smoking. Freedom doesn't mean allowing myself to have all the sex I want, all the cigarettes or weed, or all the alcohol, freedom means I have the choice to say no to them, that I am actually free from them. 2 weeks ago I came to the realization that I need to allow myself to be free, and why haven't I? I haven't because I have never experienced freedom and safety at the same time. I have never found freedom anywhere near safety and I don't equate the two as one. Now, the question that seems to be looming over my head is, what am I not free of? I feel like I am free of alcohol, I am free of smoking, I am free of sex (for the most part), but what am I not free of?
I am not free of control. I would like to find a strong sense of self-discipline within myself, but not feel like I have to control my every move. One place where I struggle immensely with control is with personal relationships. I have a hard time trusting that everything will be ok. I have a hard time not trying to push and run for the finish line. The finish line that really doesn't exist. There is no finish line for any form of relationship, so what is it that I think I'm running so desperately hard for? If there is no finish line, is there a course? If there is a course, what happens when the path changes? Is there a true point A to point B? I don't think there is logically, but emotionally I do try to keep everything always going the way I want it to. Can I find a sense of comfort in not trying to control the flow of personal relationships? Can I find the power and safety within myself to trust something outside of myself and just allow the World to unfold? Can I lose control enough to accept that happiness can happen without me trying to make it appear?
Can I have faith and find peace in something outside of myself? I don't have to be that scared little kid any more, I don't have to constantly be waiting for the World to come crashing down. Can I just allow myself to be?
For what seems like my entire life, basically as far back as I can remember, I have felt a need to be in control of every aspect of my life. This started as a child with me continually trying to stop my family from fighting. I don't have much of a memory of growing up before the age of 10. It was around that time that my mom had brain surgery and then divorced my dad. At that point, it seems like everything fell apart and my job was to try and put everything together and keep it that way. I remember laying in bed trying to stay awake for hours with anxiety in the pit of my stomach, waiting for the next big fight to break out. I remember my house feeling like glass, just waiting to be dropped and shattered. I felt like I had no one and nothing to hold on to for support and comfort. My ears were constantly scanning every noise, every movement, trying to anticipate the movements of my family and what was going to happen. I started trying to be the clown, to get the attention, to make everyone look at me and ignore any problems that were really peaking around corners. I had learned how to control the World. Or, at least I thought I had. As long as I was on constant duty, I could keep everyone happy, I could keep everyone alive. Yes, alive. For years I literally felt that if I didn't keep everything from boiling over, someone was going to die. These lessons slowly molded me into thinking that I needed to be everywhere, all the time, and I needed to constantly be on watch or the World would fall apart.
Between the ages of 10 and 16 I doubt I slept for more then 5 hours a night at most. I would lay in bed and pray for fences of angels to come and protect every inch of the house, my family, and anything that could possibly break and cause a fall out. I moved out of my home town and to New York when I was 18, a couple weeks after graduating high school. I wanted to get away, from everything, everyone. I wanted to leave my family and no longer feel like I had to keep everyone safe. I took the lessons of control that I had gained and applied them to myself. 7 years later, I am controlling every part of my life to the point that I don't allow myself to breathe. 2 months ago, I decided I wanted to control myself more and I placed rules around myself, no smoking, no drinking, no sex. In placing myself in the situation that I have, I only realize now how much I need to not control myself so much.
When I began this journey I was at a place in my life where I was sleeping with a good amount of people, drinking more then a good amount and smoking just to smoke. When I decided to embark on this journey I knew that I was ready for some changes but what I thought I was ready for was to place more control on myself and to really try and get my life together. What I didn't realize that what I really needed was to allow myself more freedom then I already was. Although that sound contradicting, let me expand. I had become a slave to alcohol, sex, and smoking. Freedom doesn't mean allowing myself to have all the sex I want, all the cigarettes or weed, or all the alcohol, freedom means I have the choice to say no to them, that I am actually free from them. 2 weeks ago I came to the realization that I need to allow myself to be free, and why haven't I? I haven't because I have never experienced freedom and safety at the same time. I have never found freedom anywhere near safety and I don't equate the two as one. Now, the question that seems to be looming over my head is, what am I not free of? I feel like I am free of alcohol, I am free of smoking, I am free of sex (for the most part), but what am I not free of?
I am not free of control. I would like to find a strong sense of self-discipline within myself, but not feel like I have to control my every move. One place where I struggle immensely with control is with personal relationships. I have a hard time trusting that everything will be ok. I have a hard time not trying to push and run for the finish line. The finish line that really doesn't exist. There is no finish line for any form of relationship, so what is it that I think I'm running so desperately hard for? If there is no finish line, is there a course? If there is a course, what happens when the path changes? Is there a true point A to point B? I don't think there is logically, but emotionally I do try to keep everything always going the way I want it to. Can I find a sense of comfort in not trying to control the flow of personal relationships? Can I find the power and safety within myself to trust something outside of myself and just allow the World to unfold? Can I lose control enough to accept that happiness can happen without me trying to make it appear?
Can I have faith and find peace in something outside of myself? I don't have to be that scared little kid any more, I don't have to constantly be waiting for the World to come crashing down. Can I just allow myself to be?
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Week 10, Day 1
Playing the guitar makes me cry. Almost every time I practice, I start to cry. Usually only for a moment and then it passes, but it does offer me some sort of safe release. I'm not even sure what it is that I'm tearing up about. I guess sometimes all emotions don't have to have reasons, sometimes I smile and don't know why too. Lately, I've just been feeling very vulnerable and I'm trying to breathe into it, but it's rough. Vulnerability isn't something I am secure with or something that I find safety in. I keep trying to tell myself that it's just an emotion and there is nothing wrong with any emotion, but that doesn't always work. I'm so used to having a lot of walls built up around myself, so to let anything down and let anyone/anything in is pretty difficult for me. I wish I knew some quick fix solution, but the fact is that there are none. Anything worth changing takes time, work and patients. Patients are not my strong point, but I'm trying just the same.
I have a lot of moments where I wish that I knew the answers to everything in life, and who doesn't wish that? Lots of times when I don't have the answers, I find myself just making them up. My imagination runs away with me and suddenly I feel out of control and have to drag myself back in. Would I really want to know everything if I had the chance? I always want to know what everyone else is thinking, what they are feeling, what's going inside them. Over the sumer I was dating someone for a little bit who was very honest with me. His words didn't match his actions, so I choose to listen to his actions because I liked those more. Sometimes you have to listen to both, even when they are mixed, crossed, and make no sense. I remember specifically saying once that I always want to hear the truth, no matter how hard it is to hear. He said, "Everyone always says they want the truth, but it's a lie. No one want to hear what's real." I said I did, I could handle it. His response was, "I like you a lot, but I don't want to be in love. I don't ever want to be in love again. I've already done that and I don't want it in my life, ever again." Maybe he was right, because we didn't talk much after that. Maybe I wanted to be lied to, but why? Only to avoid the inevitable outcome? I always try to see the best in people, but sometimes that means ignoring a lot of the bad in them. Maybe sometimes the bad is worth taking a look at too? I can't imagine not wanting to ever love again. I can't imagine a life without love and passion. But, maybe I've just never let my walls down enough to allow myself to be hurt that badly? I know that isn't true, but it's a nice thought, kind of. If I hadn't been hurt at some point, the walls wouldn't be there I guess. Again, something I don't have all the answers too.
Morning Pages: I feel like I've become annoying in them. I've been complaining a lot. Better to a page then to the World, at least it's coming out.
I have a lot of moments where I wish that I knew the answers to everything in life, and who doesn't wish that? Lots of times when I don't have the answers, I find myself just making them up. My imagination runs away with me and suddenly I feel out of control and have to drag myself back in. Would I really want to know everything if I had the chance? I always want to know what everyone else is thinking, what they are feeling, what's going inside them. Over the sumer I was dating someone for a little bit who was very honest with me. His words didn't match his actions, so I choose to listen to his actions because I liked those more. Sometimes you have to listen to both, even when they are mixed, crossed, and make no sense. I remember specifically saying once that I always want to hear the truth, no matter how hard it is to hear. He said, "Everyone always says they want the truth, but it's a lie. No one want to hear what's real." I said I did, I could handle it. His response was, "I like you a lot, but I don't want to be in love. I don't ever want to be in love again. I've already done that and I don't want it in my life, ever again." Maybe he was right, because we didn't talk much after that. Maybe I wanted to be lied to, but why? Only to avoid the inevitable outcome? I always try to see the best in people, but sometimes that means ignoring a lot of the bad in them. Maybe sometimes the bad is worth taking a look at too? I can't imagine not wanting to ever love again. I can't imagine a life without love and passion. But, maybe I've just never let my walls down enough to allow myself to be hurt that badly? I know that isn't true, but it's a nice thought, kind of. If I hadn't been hurt at some point, the walls wouldn't be there I guess. Again, something I don't have all the answers too.
Morning Pages: I feel like I've become annoying in them. I've been complaining a lot. Better to a page then to the World, at least it's coming out.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Week 9, Day 6
This week in the book has been all about letting go of your worries, fears, anxieties and not allowing yourself to get trapped in your head by negative thought patterns. The chapter explains how one negative thought leads to another and before you know it, you're in tears for no apparent reason. I've been there. It also explains how using nervous energy to create is one of the best tools you can have. Wed, for example, I felt anxiety almost the entire day, I decided to use it instead of trying to get it to go away. I ended up getting a ton of things done that I otherwise wouldn't have. Always a great feeling to be able to check a few "to-do's" off the list.
Last night, I had a beer.
Yes, a beer. I didn't have a drink because I was stressed out, because I wanted to cope with something, or because I wanted to get out of my head. I had a beer because I wanted to have one. This, isn't an experience I am used to. I used to drink at work all the time to make the time go by faster, or to escape the customers and so on. I would drink because I was sad and wanted to escape that feeling, so to just pass the time of being unsure where my future is going. Last night I had a beer because I wanted one. And, it tasted great. If I want to live a life of moderation, then maybe I should start now, instead of giving myself little time frames to try and learn by. Maybe, I need to start listening to my heart a little bit more, instead of just trying to reach and touch goals that I have set up for myself to control myself. Can I find a safety zone between out of control and total control? Can I find a sense of liberation within the control I have set for myself?
Last night, I had a beer.
Yes, a beer. I didn't have a drink because I was stressed out, because I wanted to cope with something, or because I wanted to get out of my head. I had a beer because I wanted to have one. This, isn't an experience I am used to. I used to drink at work all the time to make the time go by faster, or to escape the customers and so on. I would drink because I was sad and wanted to escape that feeling, so to just pass the time of being unsure where my future is going. Last night I had a beer because I wanted one. And, it tasted great. If I want to live a life of moderation, then maybe I should start now, instead of giving myself little time frames to try and learn by. Maybe, I need to start listening to my heart a little bit more, instead of just trying to reach and touch goals that I have set up for myself to control myself. Can I find a safety zone between out of control and total control? Can I find a sense of liberation within the control I have set for myself?
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Week 9, Day 4
I've never been so moody in my entire life. All in one day. It's a bit much to be honest. I would like to level out, any day now, please.
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