Playing the guitar makes me cry. Almost every time I practice, I start to cry. Usually only for a moment and then it passes, but it does offer me some sort of safe release. I'm not even sure what it is that I'm tearing up about. I guess sometimes all emotions don't have to have reasons, sometimes I smile and don't know why too. Lately, I've just been feeling very vulnerable and I'm trying to breathe into it, but it's rough. Vulnerability isn't something I am secure with or something that I find safety in. I keep trying to tell myself that it's just an emotion and there is nothing wrong with any emotion, but that doesn't always work. I'm so used to having a lot of walls built up around myself, so to let anything down and let anyone/anything in is pretty difficult for me. I wish I knew some quick fix solution, but the fact is that there are none. Anything worth changing takes time, work and patients. Patients are not my strong point, but I'm trying just the same.
I have a lot of moments where I wish that I knew the answers to everything in life, and who doesn't wish that? Lots of times when I don't have the answers, I find myself just making them up. My imagination runs away with me and suddenly I feel out of control and have to drag myself back in. Would I really want to know everything if I had the chance? I always want to know what everyone else is thinking, what they are feeling, what's going inside them. Over the sumer I was dating someone for a little bit who was very honest with me. His words didn't match his actions, so I choose to listen to his actions because I liked those more. Sometimes you have to listen to both, even when they are mixed, crossed, and make no sense. I remember specifically saying once that I always want to hear the truth, no matter how hard it is to hear. He said, "Everyone always says they want the truth, but it's a lie. No one want to hear what's real." I said I did, I could handle it. His response was, "I like you a lot, but I don't want to be in love. I don't ever want to be in love again. I've already done that and I don't want it in my life, ever again." Maybe he was right, because we didn't talk much after that. Maybe I wanted to be lied to, but why? Only to avoid the inevitable outcome? I always try to see the best in people, but sometimes that means ignoring a lot of the bad in them. Maybe sometimes the bad is worth taking a look at too? I can't imagine not wanting to ever love again. I can't imagine a life without love and passion. But, maybe I've just never let my walls down enough to allow myself to be hurt that badly? I know that isn't true, but it's a nice thought, kind of. If I hadn't been hurt at some point, the walls wouldn't be there I guess. Again, something I don't have all the answers too.
Morning Pages: I feel like I've become annoying in them. I've been complaining a lot. Better to a page then to the World, at least it's coming out.
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