Week 6, day 2

Morning Pages: CHECK.

I sometimes have the urge to control everything in my life. Even the aspects that are nowhere within control at all. I've had plenty of moments where something has just seemed unmanageable to myself, so my way of controlling it is to just walk away from it. I'm trying really hard to not do that now with a few situations in my life. The funny thing about life is that you can't control everything and sometimes things just need to play out and whatever happens happens. I have a VERY hard time doing that. I want to know why and how come about everything, and RIGHT NOW! I'm not always the best at just rolling with it. Although, I would like to be much better at it. If I could manage to really just live in the moment more, then I guess I wouldn't worry so much about what's going to happen next, and I'd just be able to enjoy whatever in going on in front of me. Sometimes I just think too much about the next step or what tomorrow brings. A lot of times, in my efforts to control things, I end up busting them into a million pieces. It's very hard to keep yourself in check and stop yourself from not doing it. Even trying to give up control gives me a bit of anxiety, I'm learning how to deal with it.

It's rough.

Stalking, I learned all about it from my best friend.

Yesterday was a beautiful day in NYC. It was sunny and beautiful outside, but of course after working, I didn't get up until 1pm. I left my apartment with 45 minutes until rehearsal to grab coffee and take a short stroll. Picking up my coffee at my usually Starbucks, I started walking down 9th avenue. Hitting 44th street, I crossed and began to walk back uptown. In front of me, a couple caught my eye. The girl seems thin, beautiful, in shape and in very fresh clean clothing. The man who's arm she was attached too was wearing ripped jeans, an old jacket and an interesting hat. Something about them struck me as very interesting. Maybe it was the body language, how clearly she was drawn to him and hanging on his every word. I don't know exactly what it was, but I followed them as they walked hand in hand. The rest of the world didn't seem to matter at all to them. When it came to my block to turn left, then continued, so I figured I had a bit of time and tagged along. I ended up following them until they ducked into a restaurant. If I had more time, I may have ducked in too. I've never followed someone before, or a couple and I'm not sure why I felt the need to. But, there was just something beautiful about them, I wanted to learn more.



Today, on my way to the gym, the same woman came rushing by me. Alone. I couldn't help but stop and take in the moment. No, I didn't follow her, but it was interesting to see her in such a hurry, almost panicked and just different then how I had seen her the day before with her lover. I'm infatuated with people that are in love, I want to know everything about who they both are, why they are in love, how it happened. I want to know how they feel when they are apart, who them become. I imagine they both have very exciting creative lives and a terribly romantic relationship. Of course, I could be wrong, I probably am wrong. But, I'd rather think I'm right.

Week 6, Day 1

Discovering a Sense of Boundaries.

I'm exhausted. I had a long weekend and today was a ton of fun.

I do have some things to share, like how I stalked/followed a cute couple on the street today because I was curious about them and where they were going. Yes, I took a picture. I will give you more details tomorrow. :-)

Week 5, Day 7

Week 5... a tough one in review...

This week has really brought a lot of issues, both good and bad to the surface. When I say both good and bad, I guess I mean more so that dealing with them has been easy and hard. Any issue brought to the surface is always good. It's interesting to me that I am choosing to try and really work through any issue in my life, but in actuality, I don't think I have any issues that are really that much worse then any other "average" person. I've never been into hard drugs, been a drunk, never been physically abused or physically abusive, had an eating disorder, or anything too over the top really happen. For some reason, I struggle with things though, and I think a lot of people are in the same boat. Maybe you can't put your finger on it, but there is still something boiling under the surface that is stoping you from reaching what you see your full potential as being.

This week has seemed to turn me into an open ended nerve. On multiple occasions this week I've burst into tears for no apparent reason. I'll literally be jumping around to one of my favorite songs, and something will blindside me like a burst of lightening and I start to cry. Admitting this is not my proudest moment, but it also doesn't mean anything negative. I probably have some things going on that I haven't dealt with and my new found vulnerability is making it easier and easier for things to set me off. I feel very creative, and I've been painting a ton. The piece I'm working on is coming together awesomely, and everyday I sit down for at least 20 minutes and paint away. I have found myself painting in both quiet and with music and being moved. There is something so calming and interesting in watching a brush move across canvas and leaving a trail behind.

Abstinence

It is getting more and more difficult, but also easier. In the beginning of this "journey", I had decided that for 3 weeks I would abstain from sex and now, I'm thinking that I will until I'm in a relationship. I guess I'm really starting to think that I'm worth waiting for, sort of how I did as a kid. And, it's true. I've had plenty of sex and I still would argue that it is always better when it is with someone you care about. Granted, I've had great sex with people I didn't care about, but the feeling after is of course never the same.

This week I was tested in exactly how dedicated I am. I was making out with someone that I've been spending a decent amount of time with recently and for the first time in a long time, I actually really really enjoyed it. That isn't to say that I haven't enjoyed kissing anyone, or that there is something about this person that makes it any better or blah blah blah. But, just knowing that it wasn't going to lead to sex allowed me to just enjoy it and have fun. I wasn't thinking anything stupid about what underwear I was wearing, would the person like this or that, or anything else that goes through your mind before you have sex. It was as if that scared or nervous part wasn't there, and it was nice. Also, I felt like the person was actually kissing "me", not just kissing another person, but "me".

Drinking and Smoking

I miss having a cigarette on the way to work. I miss having shots at work. I miss drinking red wine at dinner, and I miss just being able to relax behind the bar. A little liquid courage always made the night go a little faster. But, I haven't slipped up, even when I've been stressed out and wanted to. With all the little issues popping up, it seems like nature to grab something to ease your mind from thinking about things, and it's very hard not to just light up, or throw one back and feel better. It's getting easier. It's getting a lot easier.

Yoga

I started yoga this week. I did a class yesterday and one today. I loved them both and I feel calmer and more centered. How much inner work is too much to do at one time? HAHA.

ONE TO WEEK 6!

Week 5, Day 6

It's been a rough one

It was brought to my attention today that perhaps I need to start thinking logically and not just emotionally. Life is about choices, so that makes sense.

Week 5, Day 5

Weekly Walk

Tonight I decided it was a good night to go for my weekly walk. I've sort of had a lot in my head this evening, so I figured it was a good time to walk it out. It's 29 degrees outside, but my toes would argue much colder. I bundled up and decided I'd take a stroll through Time Square. As someone that would call them self a "New Yorker", Time Square is very much a zone that you avoid at all costs. If you live in New York City, the only time you actually go there on purpose is if you have a purpose. Tonight, I did. I wanted to catch a glimpse into what it is that makes so many people gather and stare. I've forgotten what it is like to be amazed by so many bright lights.

When I first moved here, almost 8 years ago at this point, one of my friends from Michigan actually lived downtown. We met up one night to go for a walk aimlessly and ended up in Time Square. I remember thinking how awesome it was that I lived so close to such an awesome place. I was in awe of all the lights and people, the cars, the craziness. I was also filled with pride for myself for following my dream to New York.

Now, I live only a few measly blocks from the center of Time Square and I try my best not to have to go there. I walk around it, or take a different subway stop, I avoid the crowds and people standing in the middle of the side walk to just stare up. It feels like maybe NYC has lost some of it's charm to me. Or, maybe I've just grown past what used to charm me?

Tonight, I walked across 50th street, and directly into the top of Time Square. I slowly walked down Broadway and actually took the time to look around. And, it is true, Time Square has lost the magic to me. There weren't a ton of people all over. There was plenty of space to move around and no one standing in my way. I remember sparkling shinning lights, and now all I see are huge screens with flashing images. The Virgin Megastore is closed and a Forever 21 in it's place. I don't what I expected to feel, or to see, but this wasn't it.

Sometimes you just don't get to see what you expect, or what you want. Sometimes it's just out of your control. I think I often expect things to be a certain way and become very disappointed when everything isn't perfect. I have a hard time giving over control and just trusting that everything will be ok. I want to where, when, why and how come about everything.

MORNING PAGES

CHECK.

Week 5, Day 4

MORNING PAGES!!

Today I couldn't stop myself from writing. Usually I write 2 pages and struggle through the 3rd. Today, I flew past the third and continued to finish the 4th. It was actually a nice experience to just keep going. I wasn't pushing it, but just letting it happen organically. I think a lot of times in life I push push push, instead of just allowing things to be. I get really distracted on wanting them to be "right", and I forget to just enjoy whatever it is I'm doing.

My painting is coming along really wonderfully. I have a full vision in my head of exactly what I want it to look like and I can't wait to have it finished and hanging above my bed.

BIBLE

I'm still reading the Bible as much as I can. Lately it hasn't been every morning and every night, but today I did read for almost an hour, so that makes up for some of it. There are a couple books I'm diving into right now, so I'm trying to take bits and pieces from them all at the same time.

:-)

Week 5, Day 3

The only way out is through...

This week I feel like I've been on an emotional roller coaster with extremes in either direction from one hour to the next. As much as it sucks, I think it is all part of progress and simply means that changes are happening, my energy is realigning and everything is going to be okay. I of course know that everything is always going to be okay, but that isn't always enough comfort to make yourself feel better. Recently I've found some comfort in knowing thinking that everything is in God's hands and there is no reason to have anxiety. This too, doesn't always make everything feel okay. We are humans, and humans are highly emotional brings. Granted, I know some people that seem to have way less emotions and some that have way more, but overall, you get the idea. I don't know exactly where I want to go with this entry, but I feel sort of exhausted and tired. I just feel warn out, partially from thinking too much.

MORNING PAGES!!

I've noticed the depth of my pages have really increased. In the beginning I was basically rambling about the errands of the day, little things that happened or didn't happen. My thoughts were all of the place. Now, I find myself writing about the same topic the entire 3 pages and in controlled legible print. Yesterday I wrote about an experience I had in the lunch room in 5th grade. It was a very random memory, but I could remember every detail, even what I was eating. I love that I'm going places with my writing, below just the surface of a list of the events of the day. I'm excited to see what I'll be writing tomorrow morning.




Every time you raise your voice
I see the greener grass
Every time you run for cover
I see this pasture
Every time we're in a funk
I picture a different choice
Every time we're in a rut
This distant grandeur

My tendency to want to do away feels natural and
My urgency to dream of softer places feels understandable

The only way out is through
The faster we're in the better
The only way out is through ultimately
The only way out is through
The only way we'll feel better
The only way out is through ultimately

Every time I'm confused
I think there must be easier ways
Every time our horns are locked I'm towel throwing
Every time we're at a loss, we've bolted from difficulty
Anytime we're in stalemate of final bowing

My tendency to want to hide away feels easier and
The immediacy is picturing another place comforting to go

The only way out is through
The faster we're in the better
The only way out is through ultimately
The only way out is through
The only way we'll feel better
The only way out is through ultimately

We could just walk away and hide our heads in the sand
We could just call it quits, only to start all over again
With somebody else

Every time we're stuck in struggle, I'm down for the count that day
Every time I dream of quick fix I'm assuaged
Now I know it's hard when it's through
And I'm damned if I don't know quick fix way
But formerly mistreat me silence now outdated

My tendency to want to run feels unnatural now
The urgency to want to give to you I don't want most feels good

The only way out is through
The faster we're in the better
The only way out is through ultimately
The only way out is through
The only way we'll feel better
The only way out is through ultimately

The only way out is through
The faster we're in the better
The only way out is through ultimately
The only way out is through
The only way we'll get better
The only way out is through ultimately