Week 5, Day 7

Week 5... a tough one in review...

This week has really brought a lot of issues, both good and bad to the surface. When I say both good and bad, I guess I mean more so that dealing with them has been easy and hard. Any issue brought to the surface is always good. It's interesting to me that I am choosing to try and really work through any issue in my life, but in actuality, I don't think I have any issues that are really that much worse then any other "average" person. I've never been into hard drugs, been a drunk, never been physically abused or physically abusive, had an eating disorder, or anything too over the top really happen. For some reason, I struggle with things though, and I think a lot of people are in the same boat. Maybe you can't put your finger on it, but there is still something boiling under the surface that is stoping you from reaching what you see your full potential as being.

This week has seemed to turn me into an open ended nerve. On multiple occasions this week I've burst into tears for no apparent reason. I'll literally be jumping around to one of my favorite songs, and something will blindside me like a burst of lightening and I start to cry. Admitting this is not my proudest moment, but it also doesn't mean anything negative. I probably have some things going on that I haven't dealt with and my new found vulnerability is making it easier and easier for things to set me off. I feel very creative, and I've been painting a ton. The piece I'm working on is coming together awesomely, and everyday I sit down for at least 20 minutes and paint away. I have found myself painting in both quiet and with music and being moved. There is something so calming and interesting in watching a brush move across canvas and leaving a trail behind.

Abstinence

It is getting more and more difficult, but also easier. In the beginning of this "journey", I had decided that for 3 weeks I would abstain from sex and now, I'm thinking that I will until I'm in a relationship. I guess I'm really starting to think that I'm worth waiting for, sort of how I did as a kid. And, it's true. I've had plenty of sex and I still would argue that it is always better when it is with someone you care about. Granted, I've had great sex with people I didn't care about, but the feeling after is of course never the same.

This week I was tested in exactly how dedicated I am. I was making out with someone that I've been spending a decent amount of time with recently and for the first time in a long time, I actually really really enjoyed it. That isn't to say that I haven't enjoyed kissing anyone, or that there is something about this person that makes it any better or blah blah blah. But, just knowing that it wasn't going to lead to sex allowed me to just enjoy it and have fun. I wasn't thinking anything stupid about what underwear I was wearing, would the person like this or that, or anything else that goes through your mind before you have sex. It was as if that scared or nervous part wasn't there, and it was nice. Also, I felt like the person was actually kissing "me", not just kissing another person, but "me".

Drinking and Smoking

I miss having a cigarette on the way to work. I miss having shots at work. I miss drinking red wine at dinner, and I miss just being able to relax behind the bar. A little liquid courage always made the night go a little faster. But, I haven't slipped up, even when I've been stressed out and wanted to. With all the little issues popping up, it seems like nature to grab something to ease your mind from thinking about things, and it's very hard not to just light up, or throw one back and feel better. It's getting easier. It's getting a lot easier.

Yoga

I started yoga this week. I did a class yesterday and one today. I loved them both and I feel calmer and more centered. How much inner work is too much to do at one time? HAHA.

ONE TO WEEK 6!