Task: Identify Your Identity
Through a series of questions this task explores the ideas of who you wanted to be a child. Who supported your dreams and who kept you in line with what they perceived you to be. The questions are set up so that you only have to fill in the blanks and have some sort of resolution. After filling in the blanks, you are supposed to take yourself on a 1 hour artists date/walk and allow any emotions that have come up during the exercise to be explored. I did the exercise, but I haven't gone for the walk yet. To be honest, no big emotions came bubbling to the surface, but I'm still willing to walk with it and see if anything comes up later on.
Morning Pages:
Did em. I didn't have any crazy dreams last night and I kind of stumbled through the pages. No big insights today. But hey, I guess that's ok with me. The day isn't over yet, so there is still time.
Time to walk.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Monday, January 10, 2011
Week 2, Day 2
This morning I finished the book of Matthew. I hadn't realized that the entire birth, life, death and resurrection of Jesus took place in one book. For some reason I figured that it had been more spread out, longer. Perhaps in the following books more is explored. I am actually finding my self more interested then I thought I would be. I love how in the preforming of the miracles Jesus would always tell the person who he preformed the miracle on to not tell people, and of course they would run and the word would spread. It is interesting for me to find out the meanings behind the rituals that I was exposed to as a kid. Until this morning I didn't realize why it was that we really did communion. I knew the meaning behind it was that you are taking the body and blood of the savior, but I hadn't realized that it comes from the last supper with his disciples. I also didn't realize that it was one of his disciples that sold him out, for a few pieces of silver none-the-less. I always remembered the story of one of them denying that they knew Jesus three times before the rooster crows, but I guess I thought that was the same disciple that sold him out, and it wasn't. There are a ton of stories that I learned in Sunday school and they all seemed like such huge big stories and then in the actual context of the Bible, they are such small pieces, some only a quarter of a page. Tomorrow I will start on the book of Mark.
Morning Pages
Today I again found myself writing about the dream I had the night before. In this dream, it was also a family dinner, I'm sensing a theme. This time my mom got upset and left the table, throwing me in the situation of picking either her or the family. One or the other. It reminds me of the time I found myself sitting on my mothers bed at the age of 12 and her asking me who I wanted to live with. My father and her had been going through a nasty divorce for over two years at this point. I guess it comes down sometimes you just saying, "Who do you want to live with?" She was sitting on her bed, in the middle of what used to be our family room. She had taken it over after my father left because she wanted a larger room. The calendar sat in between us, a marker in her hand like the barrel of a gun about to determine my entire future. Before I know it, circles and x's were drawn. I'd be here one day and there the next. It was as if my life was being planned for me, day by day. For the rest of the day I was happy because my sisters seemed to be happy with the half and half plan too. I had no idea at the time that I had just signed myself up for living out of a suitcase for the next 8 years of my life. Sometimes when I have such vivid dreams, I wake up in a frenzy, screaming on the inside and fighting on the outside. It takes me a moment to realize that I'm not standing in that dream, facing my mom, being forced to make a choice, again. I don't blame my mom, at least someone had finally asked me what I wanted.
Thomas, what do you want?
Morning Pages
Today I again found myself writing about the dream I had the night before. In this dream, it was also a family dinner, I'm sensing a theme. This time my mom got upset and left the table, throwing me in the situation of picking either her or the family. One or the other. It reminds me of the time I found myself sitting on my mothers bed at the age of 12 and her asking me who I wanted to live with. My father and her had been going through a nasty divorce for over two years at this point. I guess it comes down sometimes you just saying, "Who do you want to live with?" She was sitting on her bed, in the middle of what used to be our family room. She had taken it over after my father left because she wanted a larger room. The calendar sat in between us, a marker in her hand like the barrel of a gun about to determine my entire future. Before I know it, circles and x's were drawn. I'd be here one day and there the next. It was as if my life was being planned for me, day by day. For the rest of the day I was happy because my sisters seemed to be happy with the half and half plan too. I had no idea at the time that I had just signed myself up for living out of a suitcase for the next 8 years of my life. Sometimes when I have such vivid dreams, I wake up in a frenzy, screaming on the inside and fighting on the outside. It takes me a moment to realize that I'm not standing in that dream, facing my mom, being forced to make a choice, again. I don't blame my mom, at least someone had finally asked me what I wanted.
Thomas, what do you want?
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Week 2, Day 1
Week 2 is all about personal proportion. The idea behind this week is to break down the walls that you've placed around yourself that keeps you blocked from achieving the goals you have. The chapter explains that most of these walls are actually created by other people, but we still keep them firmly planted. It uses the examples of people saying things to you as a child like, "you're getting to big for your britches" and "just who do you think you are?" Both of these are in turn, telling you that you're only allowed to be one size and you have to fit into the box that the person is telling you to. It isn't an uncommon response to think, "I don't know who I am." But, what's also going on is you're saying, if you say I am this size, or I am this one thing, then I must be. In the chapter it also goes into detail about the responses that people usually receive when someone asks them what they do and their response is, "I am an artists." Substitute "artist" for actor, writer, painting, dancer, etc. The usual response is not one of confidence telling you that is great. As someone that is working towards a career in the arts, it is always discouraging to have someone not believe in you.
This week begs the questions of, "who believes in me that is around me", "how big do I see myself", and "who do I allow to keep me in a bubble?" This week is about breaking down the walls and allowing yourself to be whatever size you want to be and really try to find spaces of yourself that you aren't familiar with.
Time to work.
Morning Pages
Very hard this morning. It is Sunday morning and I just worked the last two night. I am exhausted and I really want to get to the gym. But, I made a commitment and I am sticking to it. Why I decided that the perfect first day to begin a new week every week is a Sunday is far beyond me. Sunday mornings are my laziest of all. I almost fell asleep writing my morning pages.
Army of one Thomas, you are an army or one. For now.
This week begs the questions of, "who believes in me that is around me", "how big do I see myself", and "who do I allow to keep me in a bubble?" This week is about breaking down the walls and allowing yourself to be whatever size you want to be and really try to find spaces of yourself that you aren't familiar with.
Time to work.
Morning Pages
Very hard this morning. It is Sunday morning and I just worked the last two night. I am exhausted and I really want to get to the gym. But, I made a commitment and I am sticking to it. Why I decided that the perfect first day to begin a new week every week is a Sunday is far beyond me. Sunday mornings are my laziest of all. I almost fell asleep writing my morning pages.
Army of one Thomas, you are an army or one. For now.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Week 1, Day 7
Walking down the street the other day I came across this. I enjoyed it, so I took a picture.
Week 1 Artist's Date.
All week long I've been cleaning up my apartment, painting, hanging photos and really trying to make this apartment my own. Everyday I've been doing something artistic, so for my artist's date, I decided to take a break from it and allow myself to relax. I went to see Little Fockers, by myself. Going to a movie by myself doesn't bother me in the least, neither does going to a nice restaurant. Doing activities alone just doesn't bother me and isn't a struggle. For a lot of people I can see how it could be really intimidating, but I enjoy it. I got the largest popcorn they had (as I ALWAYS do) and sat down at the AMC on 42nd street. I choose Little Fockers because I enjoyed the first two "Focker" movies so much and I needed a good laugh. Sadly, the movie wasn't as great as I expected. I only laughed out loud once. Still, I enjoyed the break from all the work I've been doing and felt refreshed and ready to go again after.
Task: Do Nothing.
The last task to accomplish this week was the task of "Do Nothing". The instructions said to put on soft music, lay back and for 15 minutes allow yourself to do nothing and let your mind wander. I picked out a few songs from my iTunes, laid back, and tried to clear my mind from the list of things I wanted to accomplish today. Before I knew it, my mind was creating flying colors and mists that collided and danced to the mellow songs I had picked. I very much enjoy modern piano music, but, does anyone know of anyone that records without vocals? I found that in my trance I was taken out of it by the vocals of songs, but drawn in my the beats and rhythms. If this is a task that I have to do next week, I hope to find music that really allows me to crawl out of my skin and go for a ride. Afterwords, I did feel a sort of centeredness, but not as deep as after a yoga class or a meditation. But, I found the creativeness of the "doing nothing" to be far more then that of a yoga class or meditation.
Morning Pages.
I had a very weird dream last night about being at a family function, thanksgiving, christmas, something along those lines. My father wanted to leave and go to Jay's Sporting Goods, a large hunting/athletic store in Clare, MI, and this angered my mom. Here is the twist, the large family was definitely that of my mom's, but the role of my mom was played by my step-mom. Then I noticed part of the family eating was my step-moms. Oh, also, this dinner was more of a picnic and in a park. Tori Amos was preforming too, I mentioned this was a very weird dream, so just roll with it. An entire cart of desserts was rolled out, and I picked a cheesecake jello dessert with vanilla ice cream. Cheesecake and jello? I have no idea where I got that from. In the dream is was delicious but, I can't imagine in real life it would be wroth the fat content. Eventually, Tori stopped playing and was doing a signing. She was kind of a bitch to me, and I don't know why. I've actually met her at a CD signing before and she was delightful, so I have no idea why I'd see her a different way now. Then, I woke up. Why is this relevant you ask? I wasn't sure that it was until I started writing about the dream in my morning pages. When I was a child, and my parents were still married there was a year that my father decided he didn't want to go to my mom's parents house for the holidays anymore. He asked up before how we felt about it and then my sisters and I all brought it up to my mom with my dad. My father has never gotten along with her father, and as a kid I was very shy. I hated being around the large family and I was constantly uncomfortable, always feeling like an outsider looking in. I'm guessing that I was approximately 8 at the time. I remember how upset my mom got when we talked about not wanting to go. Only now can I look at it from her point of view and think about how much that must have hurt her feelings to hear her husband and kids say they didn't want to go to her parents for the holidays anymore. She probably felt ganged up upon and attacked. I think I would have cried too.
I'm not sure exactly where all this falls into place within this journey, but I'm documenting it now and perhaps it will become more relevant and valid later on. Only time can tell.
Week 1 Wrap-up.
This is it. 7 days, 1 week. I haven't drank, smoked or had sex. What's sort of funny is that this morning I woke up and almost felt hungover, even though I haven't drank. Usually a sat morning is greeted with a bit of a hangover. Although I didn't drink last night, it was like my body and mind remembered. How quickly things can become patterns, and know it's time to see how quickly a pattern can be broken.
1 week walking, 11 more to go.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Week 1, Day 6
Through some magical luck, I missed the first two big snow falls in NYC this year. Today, it looks like I may be out of luck. I don't know how much snow we are supposed to get together, but it looks like a good amount from my living room window. I guess it's about time though, I can only hide from it for so long. Snow in NYC is always beautiful, for the first ten minutes. Quickly, the snow melts and starts to fill the streets and gutters, making it impossible to walk a block without stepping into a freezing puddle. This year I sucked it up and bought ugly snow boots, even though I'm sure they look dorky as Hell.
Slowly, as I've become more of an adult, I've noticed myself doing more practical things, simply because they make sense. Ugly snow boots as one, but also thinking things about possibly getting hurt and how would someone else feels. When in Michigan this past Christmas I decided that I wanted to try snowboarding, I've skied for years, but never been on a snowboard. I talked my brother-in-law to go with me and on the first time down the hill we both probably fell more times either of us thought humanly possible. By the time I reached the bottom of the hill, all I think I was, "I don't have health insurance". I continued to snowboard anyways, I'm not one to usually give in. By the end of the day I had gotten much better and even made it down the hill without falling. At one point though, I did run into a girl and knock her off of her skies... it was rather awkward.
Morning Pages
Yup- did 'em. I wrote a letter to God. I'm not sure why, but for me it just feels more real to write something down then it does to just think/pray it. I'm not really sure what the difference between actual prayer and thinking something out to God is. Maybe it is one in the same? But, I enjoy writing, and I doubt he minds a letter. Everyone enjoys to get mail, right?
I have today and tomorrow to get my artist's date in and my final task: DO NOTHING. I am supposed to put on some light music, sit back and DO NOTHING for 15 minutes, allow my head to get lost and go wherever it would like to go. Simple enough.
This song came on my iPhone yesterday, and it's been a long time. So, enjoy.
the butter melts out of habit
the toast isn't even warm
the waitress and the man in the plaid shirt
play out a scene they've played
so many times before
I am watching the sun stumble home in the morning
from a bar on the east side of town
and the coffee is just water dressed in brown
beautiful but boring
he visited me yesterday
he noticed my fingers
and asked me if I would play
I didn't really care a lot
but I couldn't think of a reason why not
I said if you don't come any closer I don't mind if you stay
my thighs have been involved in many accidents
and now I can't get insured
and I don't need to be lured by you
my cunt is built like a wound that won't heal
and now you don't have to ask
because you know how I feel
you know how I feel
art is why I get up in the morning
but my definition ends there
and it doesn't seem fair
that I'm living for something I can't even define
there you are right there
in the meantime
I don't want to play for you anymore
show me what you can do
tell me what are you here for
I want my old friends
I want my old face
I want my old mind
fuck this time and place
the butter melts out of habit
you know, the toast isn't even warm
Slowly, as I've become more of an adult, I've noticed myself doing more practical things, simply because they make sense. Ugly snow boots as one, but also thinking things about possibly getting hurt and how would someone else feels. When in Michigan this past Christmas I decided that I wanted to try snowboarding, I've skied for years, but never been on a snowboard. I talked my brother-in-law to go with me and on the first time down the hill we both probably fell more times either of us thought humanly possible. By the time I reached the bottom of the hill, all I think I was, "I don't have health insurance". I continued to snowboard anyways, I'm not one to usually give in. By the end of the day I had gotten much better and even made it down the hill without falling. At one point though, I did run into a girl and knock her off of her skies... it was rather awkward.
Morning Pages
Yup- did 'em. I wrote a letter to God. I'm not sure why, but for me it just feels more real to write something down then it does to just think/pray it. I'm not really sure what the difference between actual prayer and thinking something out to God is. Maybe it is one in the same? But, I enjoy writing, and I doubt he minds a letter. Everyone enjoys to get mail, right?
I have today and tomorrow to get my artist's date in and my final task: DO NOTHING. I am supposed to put on some light music, sit back and DO NOTHING for 15 minutes, allow my head to get lost and go wherever it would like to go. Simple enough.
This song came on my iPhone yesterday, and it's been a long time. So, enjoy.
the butter melts out of habit
the toast isn't even warm
the waitress and the man in the plaid shirt
play out a scene they've played
so many times before
I am watching the sun stumble home in the morning
from a bar on the east side of town
and the coffee is just water dressed in brown
beautiful but boring
he visited me yesterday
he noticed my fingers
and asked me if I would play
I didn't really care a lot
but I couldn't think of a reason why not
I said if you don't come any closer I don't mind if you stay
my thighs have been involved in many accidents
and now I can't get insured
and I don't need to be lured by you
my cunt is built like a wound that won't heal
and now you don't have to ask
because you know how I feel
you know how I feel
art is why I get up in the morning
but my definition ends there
and it doesn't seem fair
that I'm living for something I can't even define
there you are right there
in the meantime
I don't want to play for you anymore
show me what you can do
tell me what are you here for
I want my old friends
I want my old face
I want my old mind
fuck this time and place
the butter melts out of habit
you know, the toast isn't even warm
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Week 1, Day 5
Morning Pages
This morning I woke up in a great mood and ready to really dive in and start the day. That quickly faded when I started doing my morning pages. For whatever reason I started to rant, then started to talk about a horrible dream I had last night. Before I knew it, I was ripping myself apart. In the book, Julia explains that this happens a lot, and to just continue working. She says that usually the morning pages in the beginning consist of a lot of complaining and worrying. I guess that's exactly what happened. I feel better having gotten the dream out of my head and onto paper but the residing emotion still sits there.
Walking
Yesterday, I did my first planned walking. The "task" says that you should plan to walk at least 20 minutes and until your mind starts to unwind. I ended up walking for closer to an hour and really tried to work a couple issues out in my head. I don't know if it worked as well as I had hoped. But, like I've said before, walking and thinking isn't something new to me because I live in NYC. I probably walk everyday for an hour without even trying. I already spend a lot of time thinking, just now without music. Something that might work better for me is to every week pick a part of the city that I haven't been to in a while and walk there. That way I'd be opening up myself more to new ideas and imagination. I hardly ever go over to the East side, so maybe that's a good place to start?
Artists Date
I haven't "officially" done my artists date, but yesterday I spent 3 hours painting my new bedroom. That is artistic, but messy, and I don't love it. I've been so busy all week, but what I'd really like to do is go to a movie. I haven't been to the movies in a few weeks and it is killing me. I love going to the movies. So, I think either late tonight or tomorrow afternoon I'm going to take myself to the movies. Little Fockers looks great, and I'd love to just sit and laugh for a while. I need to unwind.
This morning I woke up in a great mood and ready to really dive in and start the day. That quickly faded when I started doing my morning pages. For whatever reason I started to rant, then started to talk about a horrible dream I had last night. Before I knew it, I was ripping myself apart. In the book, Julia explains that this happens a lot, and to just continue working. She says that usually the morning pages in the beginning consist of a lot of complaining and worrying. I guess that's exactly what happened. I feel better having gotten the dream out of my head and onto paper but the residing emotion still sits there.
Walking
Yesterday, I did my first planned walking. The "task" says that you should plan to walk at least 20 minutes and until your mind starts to unwind. I ended up walking for closer to an hour and really tried to work a couple issues out in my head. I don't know if it worked as well as I had hoped. But, like I've said before, walking and thinking isn't something new to me because I live in NYC. I probably walk everyday for an hour without even trying. I already spend a lot of time thinking, just now without music. Something that might work better for me is to every week pick a part of the city that I haven't been to in a while and walk there. That way I'd be opening up myself more to new ideas and imagination. I hardly ever go over to the East side, so maybe that's a good place to start?
Artists Date
I haven't "officially" done my artists date, but yesterday I spent 3 hours painting my new bedroom. That is artistic, but messy, and I don't love it. I've been so busy all week, but what I'd really like to do is go to a movie. I haven't been to the movies in a few weeks and it is killing me. I love going to the movies. So, I think either late tonight or tomorrow afternoon I'm going to take myself to the movies. Little Fockers looks great, and I'd love to just sit and laugh for a while. I need to unwind.
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