This morning I finished the book of Matthew. I hadn't realized that the entire birth, life, death and resurrection of Jesus took place in one book. For some reason I figured that it had been more spread out, longer. Perhaps in the following books more is explored. I am actually finding my self more interested then I thought I would be. I love how in the preforming of the miracles Jesus would always tell the person who he preformed the miracle on to not tell people, and of course they would run and the word would spread. It is interesting for me to find out the meanings behind the rituals that I was exposed to as a kid. Until this morning I didn't realize why it was that we really did communion. I knew the meaning behind it was that you are taking the body and blood of the savior, but I hadn't realized that it comes from the last supper with his disciples. I also didn't realize that it was one of his disciples that sold him out, for a few pieces of silver none-the-less. I always remembered the story of one of them denying that they knew Jesus three times before the rooster crows, but I guess I thought that was the same disciple that sold him out, and it wasn't. There are a ton of stories that I learned in Sunday school and they all seemed like such huge big stories and then in the actual context of the Bible, they are such small pieces, some only a quarter of a page. Tomorrow I will start on the book of Mark.
Morning Pages
Today I again found myself writing about the dream I had the night before. In this dream, it was also a family dinner, I'm sensing a theme. This time my mom got upset and left the table, throwing me in the situation of picking either her or the family. One or the other. It reminds me of the time I found myself sitting on my mothers bed at the age of 12 and her asking me who I wanted to live with. My father and her had been going through a nasty divorce for over two years at this point. I guess it comes down sometimes you just saying, "Who do you want to live with?" She was sitting on her bed, in the middle of what used to be our family room. She had taken it over after my father left because she wanted a larger room. The calendar sat in between us, a marker in her hand like the barrel of a gun about to determine my entire future. Before I know it, circles and x's were drawn. I'd be here one day and there the next. It was as if my life was being planned for me, day by day. For the rest of the day I was happy because my sisters seemed to be happy with the half and half plan too. I had no idea at the time that I had just signed myself up for living out of a suitcase for the next 8 years of my life. Sometimes when I have such vivid dreams, I wake up in a frenzy, screaming on the inside and fighting on the outside. It takes me a moment to realize that I'm not standing in that dream, facing my mom, being forced to make a choice, again. I don't blame my mom, at least someone had finally asked me what I wanted.
Thomas, what do you want?
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