Every now and then, I'm finding that I'm figuring out who I am by figuring out who I am not. Sure, it can be a huge process, but not one that come with no pay off. It's tough because I have trouble not looking at something as a failure when in actuality it's all a learning process. If I'm not taking away knowledge from the situation, then it would more of a failure. But, if I am continuing to grow, then what more can one ask for? Besides the World on a platter instead of feeling like it is on my back at times. I can't hate anything that I learn from, but why do the big lessons have to feel so terrible? I never understood the term "growing pains" until recently. I really didn't get where it was coming from or what it meant.
Tomorrow can only become better with the new knowledge I have of today.
"I feel it all" -Feist
I feel it all I feel it all
I feel it all I feel it all
The wings are wide the wings are wide
Wild card inside wild card inside
Oh I'll be the one who'll break my heart
I'll be the one to hold the gun
I know more than I knew before
I know more than I knew before
I didn't rest I didn't stop
Did we fight or did we talk
Oh I'll be the one who'll break my heart
I'll be the one to hold the gun
I love you more
I love you more
I don't know what I knew before
But now I know I wanna win the war
No one likes to take a test
Sometimes you know more is less
Put your weight against the door
Kick drum on the basement floor
Stranded in a fog of words
Loved him like a winter bird
On my head the water pours
Gulf stream through the open door
Fly away
Fly away to what you want to make
I feel it all, I feel it all
I feel it all I feel it all
The wings are wide, the wings are wide
Wild card inside, wild card inside
Oh I'll be the one to break my heart
I'll be the one who'll break my heart
I'll be the one who'll break my heart
I'll end it thought you started it
The truth lies
The truth lied
And lies divide
Lies divide
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Thursday, April 7, 2011
The Saltwater Room
I was recently introduced to the group Owl City, this is by far one of my favorite songs.
I opened my eyes last night and saw you in the low light
Walking down by the bay, on the shore, staring up at the planes that aren’t there anymore
I was feeling the night grow old and you were looking so cold
like an introvert, I drew my over shirt
Around my arms and began to shiver violently, before
You happened to look and see the tunnels all around me
Running into the dark underground
All the subways around create a great sound
To my motion fatigue: farewell
With your ear to a seashell
You can hear the waves in underwater caves
As if you actually were inside a saltwater room
Time together is just never quite enough
When you and I are alone, I’ve never felt so at home
What will it take to make or break this hint of love?
We need time, only time
When we’re apart whatever are you thinking of?
If this is what I call home, why does it feel so alone?
So tell me darling, do you wish we’d fall in love?
All the time, all the time.
Can you believe that the crew has gone and they wouldn’t let me sign on
All my islands have sunk in the deep, so I can hardly relax or even oversleep
I feel as if i were home, some nights, when we kill all the shiplights
I guess we'll never know why sparrows love the snow
We’ll turn out all of the lights and set this ballroom aglow
So tell me darling, do you wish we’d fall in love?
All the time.
Time together is just never quite enough
When you and I are alone, I’ve never felt so at home
What will it take to make or break this hint of love?
Only time, only time
When we’re apart whatever are you thinking of?
If this is what I call home, why does it feel so alone?
So tell me darling, do you wish we’d fall in love?
All the time, all the time.
Time together is just never quite enough
When we’re apart whatever are you thinking of?
What will it take to make or break this hint of love?
So tell me darling, do you wish we’d fall in love?
All the time.
I opened my eyes last night and saw you in the low light
Walking down by the bay, on the shore, staring up at the planes that aren’t there anymore
I was feeling the night grow old and you were looking so cold
like an introvert, I drew my over shirt
Around my arms and began to shiver violently, before
You happened to look and see the tunnels all around me
Running into the dark underground
All the subways around create a great sound
To my motion fatigue: farewell
With your ear to a seashell
You can hear the waves in underwater caves
As if you actually were inside a saltwater room
Time together is just never quite enough
When you and I are alone, I’ve never felt so at home
What will it take to make or break this hint of love?
We need time, only time
When we’re apart whatever are you thinking of?
If this is what I call home, why does it feel so alone?
So tell me darling, do you wish we’d fall in love?
All the time, all the time.
Can you believe that the crew has gone and they wouldn’t let me sign on
All my islands have sunk in the deep, so I can hardly relax or even oversleep
I feel as if i were home, some nights, when we kill all the shiplights
I guess we'll never know why sparrows love the snow
We’ll turn out all of the lights and set this ballroom aglow
So tell me darling, do you wish we’d fall in love?
All the time.
Time together is just never quite enough
When you and I are alone, I’ve never felt so at home
What will it take to make or break this hint of love?
Only time, only time
When we’re apart whatever are you thinking of?
If this is what I call home, why does it feel so alone?
So tell me darling, do you wish we’d fall in love?
All the time, all the time.
Time together is just never quite enough
When we’re apart whatever are you thinking of?
What will it take to make or break this hint of love?
So tell me darling, do you wish we’d fall in love?
All the time.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Honesty
I've always valued honesty, at least recently. It's very hard to love someone for their honesty when their honesty can sting so much. I wonder what honesty I've shared that's left scars.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
One Before the Other
At the end of this 12 weeks I expected something amazing to happen, perhaps fireworks out of nowhere. I don't know. I think I expected some sort of great explosion and suddenly the entire World would make sense and I'd have found my direct path to having everything I want out of life. What I have discovered is that my entire life does in fact needed to be dedicated to becoming the best-version-of-myself. For a while that seemed easy, I'd simply ask myself which choice makes me become the best version I can. Do I eat chicken and veggies after the gym, or swing by McDonald's because it is easier? Do I spend $400 on a new phone simply because I want it and it will make me happy for a few moments? Probably not the best idea.
I've discovered that the decisions become harder and harder when they start to become feelings of the heart. Sometimes the most painful things teach you the most. It seems so hard to always try and look for a light, a meaning, a sign, or something you are supposed to learn from a situation. It's hard to remember that everything that everyone does they do because they sincerely think it will make them happy. I've been doing better at thinking before I respond. Not so much as to take a breath and relax, but to stop and really think about the entire picture. Since this is new for me, it takes me a while to weigh things out and the responses don't always come so quickly. I've found that silence is by far becoming my best friend. To simply sit in silence, the World seems to speak directly into your ear. The ability to sit with myself, without the tv, without music, without a phone call or a roommate has become increasingly valuable. I used to think that crying was the best therapy to get emotion out, but I'm slowly discovering silence.
At my therapists office this last week, I was talking about intimacy and how I feel the need to always be talking when I'm with someone I care about. I was explaining my fear of silence and how I feel like I HAVE to fill it, because if I don't, then maybe nothing is there. Silence with my alone doesn't scare me, silence with someone else terrifies me. My therapist asked me if I realized that silence can also be a form of intimacy. And no, I hadn't. As a child I was always trying to fill every pocket of silence with something. I figured that if I didn't fill the silence, then someone or something else would and it might not be pleasant. Over time, I trained myself to jump into action during silence, it always kept all the guns and weapons down. Now, in trying to embrace silence, I find both peace and anxiety. My first course of action in embracing silence is to try and hand over control to it. To a certain extent that means handing over control to nothing, not even someone else, or something else, but to nothing. Can I learn to allow silence to take control of me and lead into more clarity.
I've discovered that the decisions become harder and harder when they start to become feelings of the heart. Sometimes the most painful things teach you the most. It seems so hard to always try and look for a light, a meaning, a sign, or something you are supposed to learn from a situation. It's hard to remember that everything that everyone does they do because they sincerely think it will make them happy. I've been doing better at thinking before I respond. Not so much as to take a breath and relax, but to stop and really think about the entire picture. Since this is new for me, it takes me a while to weigh things out and the responses don't always come so quickly. I've found that silence is by far becoming my best friend. To simply sit in silence, the World seems to speak directly into your ear. The ability to sit with myself, without the tv, without music, without a phone call or a roommate has become increasingly valuable. I used to think that crying was the best therapy to get emotion out, but I'm slowly discovering silence.
At my therapists office this last week, I was talking about intimacy and how I feel the need to always be talking when I'm with someone I care about. I was explaining my fear of silence and how I feel like I HAVE to fill it, because if I don't, then maybe nothing is there. Silence with my alone doesn't scare me, silence with someone else terrifies me. My therapist asked me if I realized that silence can also be a form of intimacy. And no, I hadn't. As a child I was always trying to fill every pocket of silence with something. I figured that if I didn't fill the silence, then someone or something else would and it might not be pleasant. Over time, I trained myself to jump into action during silence, it always kept all the guns and weapons down. Now, in trying to embrace silence, I find both peace and anxiety. My first course of action in embracing silence is to try and hand over control to it. To a certain extent that means handing over control to nothing, not even someone else, or something else, but to nothing. Can I learn to allow silence to take control of me and lead into more clarity.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Week 12, Day 7
I wish I had the perfect first line to start this final 12 week entry; I don't. In fact, it is 5:12am on Saturday night and I'm exhausted. I was just about to turn in for the night and I figured I'd do this last blog tomorrow or on Monday, when the time would be easier. What would I then title it? Week 13, Day 1-Day 2- Day 3, or whatever day I got around to doing it.
Honesty
When I started this, I wanted to prove to myself that I could go for 12 weeks without sex, pot/cigarettes, and alcohol. I just wanted to see what would happen, challenge myself for the Hell of it. I didn't see myself as having issues with any of these things at all. I was wrong.
Alcohol
The alcohol was easy to give up after the first two weeks of simply not allowing myself to have it. After that, day by day it became easier.
Smoking
The smoking was easy for the first week and then harder and harder for a few weeks. Eventually, the yearning for a cigarette has become something that only pops into my head every now and again. I do sort of feel like that will always be there.
Sex
This is perhaps the area in which I thought I didn't the least help and it turned out I needed the most. The only reason that I even decided to add sex into this experiment was because right before hand I had hooked up with someone that I'd had a crush on for years. Afterwards, it was very clear that it was just a hook up and the entire fantasy that I had in my head was shattered at my feet. The fantasy that I had created in my head and some how really thought was going to happen. The fact that this person from that point on would only ever see me as a hook up sort of broke my heart. I started to think about what would happen if I just choose to not have sex with anyone, that maybe it would make my value rise a bit and I'd feel better about myself. I didn't realize how right and how wrong I was, both at the same time. 1. You can't control how someone else sees you and how they see you says more about themselves then even what it could possibly say about you. 2. Value can't be measured by any form of sex, amount or other. At first, it was very difficult, I didn't realize how often I had been using sex simply to make myself feel like someone either cared about me, I was conquering someone, or I was just bored and wanted something to do. I didn't realize that sex had become a game to me. Meanwhile, vocally, I would talk about wanting a relationship and wanting more, but my actions said the complete opposite.
Learning....
Alcohol
1 pint of beer
1.5 cans of beer
1/2 a mojito
The above is all the alcohol I've consumed in the last 12 weeks. I had a pint of beer one night at Dave and Busters, apx. 9 weeks in. I allowed myself to have it because I felt like it. I didn't "want" it or "need" it. I didn't have it because I felt pressured, sad, depressed, or trying to cope with anything. The 1.5 cans of beer I had when I was preparing dinner with a friend. We were chatting and enjoying our time together, so I figured why not? The 1/2 mojito. I was eating at Sea in Brooklyn. I'm pretty sure it's illegal to eat there without having a mojito. All of these experiences I am fine with and I feel confident with my choices because they were just that, choices. Choices that I was completely aware of and knew I was making. It is also my way of slowing starting to try and live a life of moderation.
Smoking
I have had 0 cigarettes and I have taken 3 hits is weed. 2 of those were before I devoured an enormous meal and I had a great time chatting and laughing. The other time was also because I was in the right frame of mind and I felt good about where I was and what I was doing.
Sex
I have had 1 sexual partner during these 12 weeks. This person I didn't meet until week 4 and it seemed to come out of nowhere. Meeting someone during this process was the least expected thing in my mind. We started hanging out and it wasn't until a full month later that we were sexual together. So, around apx week 8. This is the first time, that I can ever remember, where I went on dates with someone for a month before having sex. And, although it wasn't the full 12 weeks, that month was worth the wait. Having sex with someone you feel an actual connection to is so much better. I think at some point becoming an adult, I forgot that. I forgot that I am worth waiting for and I forgot that I do have the respect for myself that I need to. I forgot that I am a special human being. I don't know how, but at some point, I just forgot. As I stand now, I don't know if I ever want to have sex with someone again that i don't at least feel a strong connection with. For a lot of people that seems like a no brainer, I'm sure, but I assure you, it isn't. I feel like I could go on and on about this topic forever, but it is closing in on 6am and I am tired.
I don't know how often I am going to update this blog now. I expected to call it 12 weeks and be done, but I still have a lot to learn.
When I started, I thought I was stumbling around and I needed to learn to walk and really take care of myself. What I learned is that I'm only stumbling because I am running so fast. I need to stop running for all the finish lines that don't exist and really learn to walk. There is so much more to experience and see when you are walking. There is so much more to feel and learn. There is so much more beauty in so many small moments if I'd just allow myself to enjoy them. I am still learning to walk, but at least now I'm more of speed walking instead of running full speed.
Honesty
When I started this, I wanted to prove to myself that I could go for 12 weeks without sex, pot/cigarettes, and alcohol. I just wanted to see what would happen, challenge myself for the Hell of it. I didn't see myself as having issues with any of these things at all. I was wrong.
Alcohol
The alcohol was easy to give up after the first two weeks of simply not allowing myself to have it. After that, day by day it became easier.
Smoking
The smoking was easy for the first week and then harder and harder for a few weeks. Eventually, the yearning for a cigarette has become something that only pops into my head every now and again. I do sort of feel like that will always be there.
Sex
This is perhaps the area in which I thought I didn't the least help and it turned out I needed the most. The only reason that I even decided to add sex into this experiment was because right before hand I had hooked up with someone that I'd had a crush on for years. Afterwards, it was very clear that it was just a hook up and the entire fantasy that I had in my head was shattered at my feet. The fantasy that I had created in my head and some how really thought was going to happen. The fact that this person from that point on would only ever see me as a hook up sort of broke my heart. I started to think about what would happen if I just choose to not have sex with anyone, that maybe it would make my value rise a bit and I'd feel better about myself. I didn't realize how right and how wrong I was, both at the same time. 1. You can't control how someone else sees you and how they see you says more about themselves then even what it could possibly say about you. 2. Value can't be measured by any form of sex, amount or other. At first, it was very difficult, I didn't realize how often I had been using sex simply to make myself feel like someone either cared about me, I was conquering someone, or I was just bored and wanted something to do. I didn't realize that sex had become a game to me. Meanwhile, vocally, I would talk about wanting a relationship and wanting more, but my actions said the complete opposite.
Learning....
Alcohol
1 pint of beer
1.5 cans of beer
1/2 a mojito
The above is all the alcohol I've consumed in the last 12 weeks. I had a pint of beer one night at Dave and Busters, apx. 9 weeks in. I allowed myself to have it because I felt like it. I didn't "want" it or "need" it. I didn't have it because I felt pressured, sad, depressed, or trying to cope with anything. The 1.5 cans of beer I had when I was preparing dinner with a friend. We were chatting and enjoying our time together, so I figured why not? The 1/2 mojito. I was eating at Sea in Brooklyn. I'm pretty sure it's illegal to eat there without having a mojito. All of these experiences I am fine with and I feel confident with my choices because they were just that, choices. Choices that I was completely aware of and knew I was making. It is also my way of slowing starting to try and live a life of moderation.
Smoking
I have had 0 cigarettes and I have taken 3 hits is weed. 2 of those were before I devoured an enormous meal and I had a great time chatting and laughing. The other time was also because I was in the right frame of mind and I felt good about where I was and what I was doing.
Sex
I have had 1 sexual partner during these 12 weeks. This person I didn't meet until week 4 and it seemed to come out of nowhere. Meeting someone during this process was the least expected thing in my mind. We started hanging out and it wasn't until a full month later that we were sexual together. So, around apx week 8. This is the first time, that I can ever remember, where I went on dates with someone for a month before having sex. And, although it wasn't the full 12 weeks, that month was worth the wait. Having sex with someone you feel an actual connection to is so much better. I think at some point becoming an adult, I forgot that. I forgot that I am worth waiting for and I forgot that I do have the respect for myself that I need to. I forgot that I am a special human being. I don't know how, but at some point, I just forgot. As I stand now, I don't know if I ever want to have sex with someone again that i don't at least feel a strong connection with. For a lot of people that seems like a no brainer, I'm sure, but I assure you, it isn't. I feel like I could go on and on about this topic forever, but it is closing in on 6am and I am tired.
I don't know how often I am going to update this blog now. I expected to call it 12 weeks and be done, but I still have a lot to learn.
When I started, I thought I was stumbling around and I needed to learn to walk and really take care of myself. What I learned is that I'm only stumbling because I am running so fast. I need to stop running for all the finish lines that don't exist and really learn to walk. There is so much more to experience and see when you are walking. There is so much more to feel and learn. There is so much more beauty in so many small moments if I'd just allow myself to enjoy them. I am still learning to walk, but at least now I'm more of speed walking instead of running full speed.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Week 12, Day 4
I am tired. In fact, just now in getting ready to place the title of this blog, "Week 12, Day 4", I started with Day 3 because I forgot about Tuesday when I was counting on my fingers. Yes, I am tired. I am also fulfilled. For the last almost 8 weeks now I have been working 3 different jobs and on my nights off, I've been having 3 hours rehearsals for a show that is officially going up at The Upright Citizens Brigade on April 14th. I am tired and feeling fulfilled because almost all my credit card debt is paid off and my student loans are caught up on. I am tired and fulfilled because I am busy being vulnerable and consciously aware of everything I'm doing and why. I am tired and fulfilled because I am learning so much about myself that it is exhausting and wonderful at the same time.
I just finished reading the chapter for Week 12, Discovering a Sense of Dignity. I still have the tasks to go back and do, but right now, doing the morning pages has been difficult enough. I am still doing them and feeling a great sense of ease throughout my day because of them. I'm looking forward to continuing to do them, they have become a part of my habit, a part of my life, and something that I will treasure in the future. To a certain degree, they have become me, as any great journal eventually does. They are pages that I don't lie to, that I don't try to paint myself a certain way to, they listen to me, they hear me, and they eventually tell me when to shut up and let something go. They have become a companion and a friend.
My painting is not yet finished. Not even close. Maybe 80 percent done and I know if I had a few hours to sit down and work, it would happily go along and the project would be over before I know it. I don't want it to feel like work though, and I want my heart to be in it. I don't want to have to force myself to sit down for a few hours. Perhaps tomorrow or the next day I can simply switch something out of my schedule and move the painting into the spot.
This week will quickly be coming to an end. Quickly, my 12 weeks will be over and I'll be back to giving myself the huge choice of doing whatever I want to again. But, I will also have the education and experience of these 12 weeks to remember how I now what to live my life. I haven't fully learned how to walk yet, but I'm working on it.
I just finished reading the chapter for Week 12, Discovering a Sense of Dignity. I still have the tasks to go back and do, but right now, doing the morning pages has been difficult enough. I am still doing them and feeling a great sense of ease throughout my day because of them. I'm looking forward to continuing to do them, they have become a part of my habit, a part of my life, and something that I will treasure in the future. To a certain degree, they have become me, as any great journal eventually does. They are pages that I don't lie to, that I don't try to paint myself a certain way to, they listen to me, they hear me, and they eventually tell me when to shut up and let something go. They have become a companion and a friend.
My painting is not yet finished. Not even close. Maybe 80 percent done and I know if I had a few hours to sit down and work, it would happily go along and the project would be over before I know it. I don't want it to feel like work though, and I want my heart to be in it. I don't want to have to force myself to sit down for a few hours. Perhaps tomorrow or the next day I can simply switch something out of my schedule and move the painting into the spot.
This week will quickly be coming to an end. Quickly, my 12 weeks will be over and I'll be back to giving myself the huge choice of doing whatever I want to again. But, I will also have the education and experience of these 12 weeks to remember how I now what to live my life. I haven't fully learned how to walk yet, but I'm working on it.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Week 11, Day 6
Yesterday, for what might be the first time in my entire life, I let another human being know what my needs are. And, the World didn't end. Who'd have known? How many times in my life have I left my own needs unmet because I was simply trying to meet everyone else's? How many times have I ignored myself for the peace of everyone else? How many times have I simply gotten frustrated from situations and walked away because I felt I wasn't being heard, but I wasn't speaking either? Not only to other people, but how many times have I ignored my own needs from myself and decided that it was simpler to just not want and not need?
Growing up, walking into my home was the equivalent of walking into a hurricane. I never had any idea which way was up and I never had any idea what was going to be hiding behind the front door. I assumed nothing was lasting beyond one moment, emotions could flip the world in a moment and leave us all crashing below. It never accord to me that not EVERYONE in the World has emotions that come and go like the ocean tide.
I'm almost up to week 12. It really shocks me how quickly time has flown by and how unbearably slow at times too. There is no finish line here, just one day at a time.
Growing up, walking into my home was the equivalent of walking into a hurricane. I never had any idea which way was up and I never had any idea what was going to be hiding behind the front door. I assumed nothing was lasting beyond one moment, emotions could flip the world in a moment and leave us all crashing below. It never accord to me that not EVERYONE in the World has emotions that come and go like the ocean tide.
I'm almost up to week 12. It really shocks me how quickly time has flown by and how unbearably slow at times too. There is no finish line here, just one day at a time.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Week 11, Day 4
Time flies. I can't believe I'm already half way through week 11. I have one more week to go, and I still have so much I feel that I need/want to learn about myself. New discoveries are happening quickly and at a rate that I haven't felt in a long time. My sense of patience has multiplied a thousand fold and for that I am truly thankful. I feel more empathy, compassion, and love, not only for other people, but also for myself. I don't know why I'm so hard on myself and why I feel the need to meet everyone else's needs, but not my own. At what point did I decide that I should come in second place in my own life? More then once I've had someone say sarcastically, "And you're so humble too." In actuality, I am rather humble, but if you don't pat yourself on the back everyone now and again, or be your own biggest fan, how can you expect anyone else to? I guess that sort of is the same as, "if you don't love yourself, how can you expect anyone else to?"
I've finished all the tasks for week 11, which is great for me. All too often I've been running around Saturday and Sunday trying my best to get everything around. This weeks chapter was all about picking yourself up when you feel thrown down. It's exactly what I needed this week too. In a sense, I feel kicked to the curb and I needed a reminder to stand back up and keep walking. The chapter challenges you to ask, "What's next", instead of, "Why me". It also challenges you to look for a lesson in what's going on, instead of just assuming that you are not in control of anything that is happening in your life.
Well, what's next?
I've finished all the tasks for week 11, which is great for me. All too often I've been running around Saturday and Sunday trying my best to get everything around. This weeks chapter was all about picking yourself up when you feel thrown down. It's exactly what I needed this week too. In a sense, I feel kicked to the curb and I needed a reminder to stand back up and keep walking. The chapter challenges you to ask, "What's next", instead of, "Why me". It also challenges you to look for a lesson in what's going on, instead of just assuming that you are not in control of anything that is happening in your life.
Well, what's next?
Monday, March 14, 2011
Week 11, Day 2
Am I losing my voice?
For the last few weeks there has been a small battle raging in my head that draws the line between my first thoughts and the changes I'm trying to make in my life about how I relate to certain topics, issues, and people. Because I am so aware of what I'm thinking, I've been doing a lot of thinking before I speak. This is something that I've been proud of myself for because all too often I just allow the first thing that pops into my head to come flying out. It was brought to my attention today by my therapist that perhaps I'm not allowing myself to be fully heard because I am censoring myself too much. Once again, I need to find some balance. When do I need to be honest with what I'm feeling and when is it okay to take time and think about how I'm feeling before I respond? I've been doing so well with examining my feelings and thoughts, but now it feels as though maybe they are pilling on top of each other because they aren't getting released at all. I feel frustrated and really the only person to blame is myself, because I've chosen to silence myself.
I'm very good at meeting other peoples needs, when I know what they are. But, am I good also at expressing my own needs and wants? Further more, if I really sit down and think about it, do I really know what my needs are? For a long time I've been focused always on the needs of others that it is a tricky question to ask what I want. Maybe I really don't know, or maybe, I just haven't taken the time to dive in and figure it out.
For the last few weeks there has been a small battle raging in my head that draws the line between my first thoughts and the changes I'm trying to make in my life about how I relate to certain topics, issues, and people. Because I am so aware of what I'm thinking, I've been doing a lot of thinking before I speak. This is something that I've been proud of myself for because all too often I just allow the first thing that pops into my head to come flying out. It was brought to my attention today by my therapist that perhaps I'm not allowing myself to be fully heard because I am censoring myself too much. Once again, I need to find some balance. When do I need to be honest with what I'm feeling and when is it okay to take time and think about how I'm feeling before I respond? I've been doing so well with examining my feelings and thoughts, but now it feels as though maybe they are pilling on top of each other because they aren't getting released at all. I feel frustrated and really the only person to blame is myself, because I've chosen to silence myself.
I'm very good at meeting other peoples needs, when I know what they are. But, am I good also at expressing my own needs and wants? Further more, if I really sit down and think about it, do I really know what my needs are? For a long time I've been focused always on the needs of others that it is a tricky question to ask what I want. Maybe I really don't know, or maybe, I just haven't taken the time to dive in and figure it out.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Week 11, Day 1
I am not behind on the learning scale, but I am behind on the scale of getting through chapter 10 and starting 11. I haven't finished the tasks and I honestly haven't had time. Work has been overwhelming and at moments my emotional life as well. I just feel tired right now. I am forcing myself even at this moment to stammer through this typing. I feel like I have a huge amount of things on my plate right now and I'm wondering why I'm attacking it all so head on right now. I need to give myself a slight vacation from myself.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Week 10, Day 4
A daily dose of the truth.
For what seems like my entire life, basically as far back as I can remember, I have felt a need to be in control of every aspect of my life. This started as a child with me continually trying to stop my family from fighting. I don't have much of a memory of growing up before the age of 10. It was around that time that my mom had brain surgery and then divorced my dad. At that point, it seems like everything fell apart and my job was to try and put everything together and keep it that way. I remember laying in bed trying to stay awake for hours with anxiety in the pit of my stomach, waiting for the next big fight to break out. I remember my house feeling like glass, just waiting to be dropped and shattered. I felt like I had no one and nothing to hold on to for support and comfort. My ears were constantly scanning every noise, every movement, trying to anticipate the movements of my family and what was going to happen. I started trying to be the clown, to get the attention, to make everyone look at me and ignore any problems that were really peaking around corners. I had learned how to control the World. Or, at least I thought I had. As long as I was on constant duty, I could keep everyone happy, I could keep everyone alive. Yes, alive. For years I literally felt that if I didn't keep everything from boiling over, someone was going to die. These lessons slowly molded me into thinking that I needed to be everywhere, all the time, and I needed to constantly be on watch or the World would fall apart.
Between the ages of 10 and 16 I doubt I slept for more then 5 hours a night at most. I would lay in bed and pray for fences of angels to come and protect every inch of the house, my family, and anything that could possibly break and cause a fall out. I moved out of my home town and to New York when I was 18, a couple weeks after graduating high school. I wanted to get away, from everything, everyone. I wanted to leave my family and no longer feel like I had to keep everyone safe. I took the lessons of control that I had gained and applied them to myself. 7 years later, I am controlling every part of my life to the point that I don't allow myself to breathe. 2 months ago, I decided I wanted to control myself more and I placed rules around myself, no smoking, no drinking, no sex. In placing myself in the situation that I have, I only realize now how much I need to not control myself so much.
When I began this journey I was at a place in my life where I was sleeping with a good amount of people, drinking more then a good amount and smoking just to smoke. When I decided to embark on this journey I knew that I was ready for some changes but what I thought I was ready for was to place more control on myself and to really try and get my life together. What I didn't realize that what I really needed was to allow myself more freedom then I already was. Although that sound contradicting, let me expand. I had become a slave to alcohol, sex, and smoking. Freedom doesn't mean allowing myself to have all the sex I want, all the cigarettes or weed, or all the alcohol, freedom means I have the choice to say no to them, that I am actually free from them. 2 weeks ago I came to the realization that I need to allow myself to be free, and why haven't I? I haven't because I have never experienced freedom and safety at the same time. I have never found freedom anywhere near safety and I don't equate the two as one. Now, the question that seems to be looming over my head is, what am I not free of? I feel like I am free of alcohol, I am free of smoking, I am free of sex (for the most part), but what am I not free of?
I am not free of control. I would like to find a strong sense of self-discipline within myself, but not feel like I have to control my every move. One place where I struggle immensely with control is with personal relationships. I have a hard time trusting that everything will be ok. I have a hard time not trying to push and run for the finish line. The finish line that really doesn't exist. There is no finish line for any form of relationship, so what is it that I think I'm running so desperately hard for? If there is no finish line, is there a course? If there is a course, what happens when the path changes? Is there a true point A to point B? I don't think there is logically, but emotionally I do try to keep everything always going the way I want it to. Can I find a sense of comfort in not trying to control the flow of personal relationships? Can I find the power and safety within myself to trust something outside of myself and just allow the World to unfold? Can I lose control enough to accept that happiness can happen without me trying to make it appear?
Can I have faith and find peace in something outside of myself? I don't have to be that scared little kid any more, I don't have to constantly be waiting for the World to come crashing down. Can I just allow myself to be?
For what seems like my entire life, basically as far back as I can remember, I have felt a need to be in control of every aspect of my life. This started as a child with me continually trying to stop my family from fighting. I don't have much of a memory of growing up before the age of 10. It was around that time that my mom had brain surgery and then divorced my dad. At that point, it seems like everything fell apart and my job was to try and put everything together and keep it that way. I remember laying in bed trying to stay awake for hours with anxiety in the pit of my stomach, waiting for the next big fight to break out. I remember my house feeling like glass, just waiting to be dropped and shattered. I felt like I had no one and nothing to hold on to for support and comfort. My ears were constantly scanning every noise, every movement, trying to anticipate the movements of my family and what was going to happen. I started trying to be the clown, to get the attention, to make everyone look at me and ignore any problems that were really peaking around corners. I had learned how to control the World. Or, at least I thought I had. As long as I was on constant duty, I could keep everyone happy, I could keep everyone alive. Yes, alive. For years I literally felt that if I didn't keep everything from boiling over, someone was going to die. These lessons slowly molded me into thinking that I needed to be everywhere, all the time, and I needed to constantly be on watch or the World would fall apart.
Between the ages of 10 and 16 I doubt I slept for more then 5 hours a night at most. I would lay in bed and pray for fences of angels to come and protect every inch of the house, my family, and anything that could possibly break and cause a fall out. I moved out of my home town and to New York when I was 18, a couple weeks after graduating high school. I wanted to get away, from everything, everyone. I wanted to leave my family and no longer feel like I had to keep everyone safe. I took the lessons of control that I had gained and applied them to myself. 7 years later, I am controlling every part of my life to the point that I don't allow myself to breathe. 2 months ago, I decided I wanted to control myself more and I placed rules around myself, no smoking, no drinking, no sex. In placing myself in the situation that I have, I only realize now how much I need to not control myself so much.
When I began this journey I was at a place in my life where I was sleeping with a good amount of people, drinking more then a good amount and smoking just to smoke. When I decided to embark on this journey I knew that I was ready for some changes but what I thought I was ready for was to place more control on myself and to really try and get my life together. What I didn't realize that what I really needed was to allow myself more freedom then I already was. Although that sound contradicting, let me expand. I had become a slave to alcohol, sex, and smoking. Freedom doesn't mean allowing myself to have all the sex I want, all the cigarettes or weed, or all the alcohol, freedom means I have the choice to say no to them, that I am actually free from them. 2 weeks ago I came to the realization that I need to allow myself to be free, and why haven't I? I haven't because I have never experienced freedom and safety at the same time. I have never found freedom anywhere near safety and I don't equate the two as one. Now, the question that seems to be looming over my head is, what am I not free of? I feel like I am free of alcohol, I am free of smoking, I am free of sex (for the most part), but what am I not free of?
I am not free of control. I would like to find a strong sense of self-discipline within myself, but not feel like I have to control my every move. One place where I struggle immensely with control is with personal relationships. I have a hard time trusting that everything will be ok. I have a hard time not trying to push and run for the finish line. The finish line that really doesn't exist. There is no finish line for any form of relationship, so what is it that I think I'm running so desperately hard for? If there is no finish line, is there a course? If there is a course, what happens when the path changes? Is there a true point A to point B? I don't think there is logically, but emotionally I do try to keep everything always going the way I want it to. Can I find a sense of comfort in not trying to control the flow of personal relationships? Can I find the power and safety within myself to trust something outside of myself and just allow the World to unfold? Can I lose control enough to accept that happiness can happen without me trying to make it appear?
Can I have faith and find peace in something outside of myself? I don't have to be that scared little kid any more, I don't have to constantly be waiting for the World to come crashing down. Can I just allow myself to be?
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Week 10, Day 1
Playing the guitar makes me cry. Almost every time I practice, I start to cry. Usually only for a moment and then it passes, but it does offer me some sort of safe release. I'm not even sure what it is that I'm tearing up about. I guess sometimes all emotions don't have to have reasons, sometimes I smile and don't know why too. Lately, I've just been feeling very vulnerable and I'm trying to breathe into it, but it's rough. Vulnerability isn't something I am secure with or something that I find safety in. I keep trying to tell myself that it's just an emotion and there is nothing wrong with any emotion, but that doesn't always work. I'm so used to having a lot of walls built up around myself, so to let anything down and let anyone/anything in is pretty difficult for me. I wish I knew some quick fix solution, but the fact is that there are none. Anything worth changing takes time, work and patients. Patients are not my strong point, but I'm trying just the same.
I have a lot of moments where I wish that I knew the answers to everything in life, and who doesn't wish that? Lots of times when I don't have the answers, I find myself just making them up. My imagination runs away with me and suddenly I feel out of control and have to drag myself back in. Would I really want to know everything if I had the chance? I always want to know what everyone else is thinking, what they are feeling, what's going inside them. Over the sumer I was dating someone for a little bit who was very honest with me. His words didn't match his actions, so I choose to listen to his actions because I liked those more. Sometimes you have to listen to both, even when they are mixed, crossed, and make no sense. I remember specifically saying once that I always want to hear the truth, no matter how hard it is to hear. He said, "Everyone always says they want the truth, but it's a lie. No one want to hear what's real." I said I did, I could handle it. His response was, "I like you a lot, but I don't want to be in love. I don't ever want to be in love again. I've already done that and I don't want it in my life, ever again." Maybe he was right, because we didn't talk much after that. Maybe I wanted to be lied to, but why? Only to avoid the inevitable outcome? I always try to see the best in people, but sometimes that means ignoring a lot of the bad in them. Maybe sometimes the bad is worth taking a look at too? I can't imagine not wanting to ever love again. I can't imagine a life without love and passion. But, maybe I've just never let my walls down enough to allow myself to be hurt that badly? I know that isn't true, but it's a nice thought, kind of. If I hadn't been hurt at some point, the walls wouldn't be there I guess. Again, something I don't have all the answers too.
Morning Pages: I feel like I've become annoying in them. I've been complaining a lot. Better to a page then to the World, at least it's coming out.
I have a lot of moments where I wish that I knew the answers to everything in life, and who doesn't wish that? Lots of times when I don't have the answers, I find myself just making them up. My imagination runs away with me and suddenly I feel out of control and have to drag myself back in. Would I really want to know everything if I had the chance? I always want to know what everyone else is thinking, what they are feeling, what's going inside them. Over the sumer I was dating someone for a little bit who was very honest with me. His words didn't match his actions, so I choose to listen to his actions because I liked those more. Sometimes you have to listen to both, even when they are mixed, crossed, and make no sense. I remember specifically saying once that I always want to hear the truth, no matter how hard it is to hear. He said, "Everyone always says they want the truth, but it's a lie. No one want to hear what's real." I said I did, I could handle it. His response was, "I like you a lot, but I don't want to be in love. I don't ever want to be in love again. I've already done that and I don't want it in my life, ever again." Maybe he was right, because we didn't talk much after that. Maybe I wanted to be lied to, but why? Only to avoid the inevitable outcome? I always try to see the best in people, but sometimes that means ignoring a lot of the bad in them. Maybe sometimes the bad is worth taking a look at too? I can't imagine not wanting to ever love again. I can't imagine a life without love and passion. But, maybe I've just never let my walls down enough to allow myself to be hurt that badly? I know that isn't true, but it's a nice thought, kind of. If I hadn't been hurt at some point, the walls wouldn't be there I guess. Again, something I don't have all the answers too.
Morning Pages: I feel like I've become annoying in them. I've been complaining a lot. Better to a page then to the World, at least it's coming out.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Week 9, Day 6
This week in the book has been all about letting go of your worries, fears, anxieties and not allowing yourself to get trapped in your head by negative thought patterns. The chapter explains how one negative thought leads to another and before you know it, you're in tears for no apparent reason. I've been there. It also explains how using nervous energy to create is one of the best tools you can have. Wed, for example, I felt anxiety almost the entire day, I decided to use it instead of trying to get it to go away. I ended up getting a ton of things done that I otherwise wouldn't have. Always a great feeling to be able to check a few "to-do's" off the list.
Last night, I had a beer.
Yes, a beer. I didn't have a drink because I was stressed out, because I wanted to cope with something, or because I wanted to get out of my head. I had a beer because I wanted to have one. This, isn't an experience I am used to. I used to drink at work all the time to make the time go by faster, or to escape the customers and so on. I would drink because I was sad and wanted to escape that feeling, so to just pass the time of being unsure where my future is going. Last night I had a beer because I wanted one. And, it tasted great. If I want to live a life of moderation, then maybe I should start now, instead of giving myself little time frames to try and learn by. Maybe, I need to start listening to my heart a little bit more, instead of just trying to reach and touch goals that I have set up for myself to control myself. Can I find a safety zone between out of control and total control? Can I find a sense of liberation within the control I have set for myself?
Last night, I had a beer.
Yes, a beer. I didn't have a drink because I was stressed out, because I wanted to cope with something, or because I wanted to get out of my head. I had a beer because I wanted to have one. This, isn't an experience I am used to. I used to drink at work all the time to make the time go by faster, or to escape the customers and so on. I would drink because I was sad and wanted to escape that feeling, so to just pass the time of being unsure where my future is going. Last night I had a beer because I wanted one. And, it tasted great. If I want to live a life of moderation, then maybe I should start now, instead of giving myself little time frames to try and learn by. Maybe, I need to start listening to my heart a little bit more, instead of just trying to reach and touch goals that I have set up for myself to control myself. Can I find a safety zone between out of control and total control? Can I find a sense of liberation within the control I have set for myself?
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Week 9, Day 4
I've never been so moody in my entire life. All in one day. It's a bit much to be honest. I would like to level out, any day now, please.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Week 9, Day 2
Morning Pages:
CHECK. They got done late today, but still done. They felt scattered and I guess that is fair; my mind has felt scattered. I'm officially 2/3rds done with my original goal. And I've already started to think about what I'm going to be doing after. Right now I have a lot of control in myself, but I'm excited about the possibility of keeping the work that I've done, but also allowing myself to be free. Last night, over dinner, someone pointed out to me how nice it will be for me to be able to continue to make the choices in my life that I have been, but without having to think about them before I make them. Essentially, when the choices and changes are fully functioning and working. Change is hard. And to honest, pretty freaking difficult. Also, worth all the work, as far as I can tell. I don't know what my full thoughts are on everything I've been working on, but I want to live a life of moderation. And, I want to stop being so damn hard on myself all the time.
CHECK. They got done late today, but still done. They felt scattered and I guess that is fair; my mind has felt scattered. I'm officially 2/3rds done with my original goal. And I've already started to think about what I'm going to be doing after. Right now I have a lot of control in myself, but I'm excited about the possibility of keeping the work that I've done, but also allowing myself to be free. Last night, over dinner, someone pointed out to me how nice it will be for me to be able to continue to make the choices in my life that I have been, but without having to think about them before I make them. Essentially, when the choices and changes are fully functioning and working. Change is hard. And to honest, pretty freaking difficult. Also, worth all the work, as far as I can tell. I don't know what my full thoughts are on everything I've been working on, but I want to live a life of moderation. And, I want to stop being so damn hard on myself all the time.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Week 9, Day 1
It just dawned on me that every week is like a new beginning when I title the blog Week X, Day 1. Yes, everyday should actually be day 1, because it is singular and can be whatever you want it to be. This morning, I woke up with the hugest smile on my face. Why? I have no idea, but the fact that there really isn't a "reason" just makes me more happy. I did my morning pages, cleaned the apartment, played guitar, hit the gym, picked up some things I needed and dropped off my laundry. Very productive and it's only 4pm. Yes, 4pm, please take into consideration that I worked until 5am last night. So, getting up at 12 and getting all this done already is a pretty good accomplishment. I've been working a ton lately, but the great thing is that when I have time off, I find myself getting more done and really enjoying the moments that I have.
I forget where I read it, but somewhere along the line I read something that was all about accepting people for who they are. I know that I've talked about this before, but it really has become something that I have been carrying around in my pocket everyday. That and the fact that everyone makes the choices that they make because they sincerely think they are going to be happier because of them. It's so much easier to forgive someone when you really believe that they were just trying to make themselves happy. It sucks when you get crushed by someone else trying to be happy, but I'm sure I've done my fair amount of crushing in my own journey of life too.
I have become disgustingly optimistic. Not every day, but I have my moments, and I love them. On my walk home from the gym today, I couldn't stop smiling. I don't even think I was thinking about anything direct, but I just happen to have a shit eating grin on my face.
Week 9 starts today, and I don't know if I'm going to stop at the end of week 12. I feel like I'm learning so much about myself and I'm amazed at the speed I'm flying by. I'm enjoying the ride, for the first time in a while.
I forget where I read it, but somewhere along the line I read something that was all about accepting people for who they are. I know that I've talked about this before, but it really has become something that I have been carrying around in my pocket everyday. That and the fact that everyone makes the choices that they make because they sincerely think they are going to be happier because of them. It's so much easier to forgive someone when you really believe that they were just trying to make themselves happy. It sucks when you get crushed by someone else trying to be happy, but I'm sure I've done my fair amount of crushing in my own journey of life too.
I have become disgustingly optimistic. Not every day, but I have my moments, and I love them. On my walk home from the gym today, I couldn't stop smiling. I don't even think I was thinking about anything direct, but I just happen to have a shit eating grin on my face.
Week 9 starts today, and I don't know if I'm going to stop at the end of week 12. I feel like I'm learning so much about myself and I'm amazed at the speed I'm flying by. I'm enjoying the ride, for the first time in a while.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Week 8, Day 6
Empathy, Compassion, and Courage.
Yesterday at work a customer asked me what makes me heart beat outside of bartending. He flat out asked me what my passion in life is. And, 2 months ago I would have something completely different then what I said yesterday. Yesterday, I simply said, "I don't know, 2 months ago I'd have had an answer for you. Today, not so much". For the last four years of my life I've been spending tons of money, time, and energy on acting and trying to make become the best actor possible. Now, I'm not sure if acting is going to feed my soul the way that I want it to be fed. I think my actual purpose for life is so how help other people and spread as much love through the World as possible. You can't heal the World, I'm well aware, but every little bit always helps. In the summer, I am toying with the idea of going back to school for psychology and seeing how I like it. I'm 26, I want to have a piece of paper in my hand that says I am intelligent. Not to say I NEED that, but I want it, for myself.
In the yoga class that I've been taking, the yogi has been talking about working with the parts of yourself that scare you and turning them into things that you can grow and learn from. A way to take all the negative and make it work for you. That is stage one, stage two is working on your heart and learning how to make your own capacity for love grow. The third stage is to stop being selfish and be willing to spread and give love. In the last two months I've learned more and more about what real empathy and compassion is made up of. I've had these beautiful moments where I've had opinions and thoughts to express, but held them back because I realized they would only be self-serving. I'm starting to realize that my life isn't ONLY about me. I didn't realize how much I really put myself first all the time. I guess my mentality was always "if I don't put myself first, then who is going to?" Most of that comes from growing up and feeling like I've had to take care of myself fully since 14. But, I'm not 14 anymore and I have to respect where I am now too.
Courage. I'm terrified, most of the time. I usually have a constant shell of self-protection around myself and I rarely let it down. New York City is a tough place to be sensitive, but so is the World. I'm starting to find the courage to accept people for who they are and love them for who they are, not what I think they could be or want them to be. It's scary to start accepting other people as perfect the way they are, because then you have to start to love yourself for who you are and not what you think you could be also.
I'm going through a spiritual awakening of change. Not because I don't want to be who I am right now, but because I think I am actually ready to become the-best-version-of-myself. Whatever that may be. "Control is the skeleton key to change." But, I have to accept that I can't control everything, and some things I have to just let be.
Yesterday at work a customer asked me what makes me heart beat outside of bartending. He flat out asked me what my passion in life is. And, 2 months ago I would have something completely different then what I said yesterday. Yesterday, I simply said, "I don't know, 2 months ago I'd have had an answer for you. Today, not so much". For the last four years of my life I've been spending tons of money, time, and energy on acting and trying to make become the best actor possible. Now, I'm not sure if acting is going to feed my soul the way that I want it to be fed. I think my actual purpose for life is so how help other people and spread as much love through the World as possible. You can't heal the World, I'm well aware, but every little bit always helps. In the summer, I am toying with the idea of going back to school for psychology and seeing how I like it. I'm 26, I want to have a piece of paper in my hand that says I am intelligent. Not to say I NEED that, but I want it, for myself.
In the yoga class that I've been taking, the yogi has been talking about working with the parts of yourself that scare you and turning them into things that you can grow and learn from. A way to take all the negative and make it work for you. That is stage one, stage two is working on your heart and learning how to make your own capacity for love grow. The third stage is to stop being selfish and be willing to spread and give love. In the last two months I've learned more and more about what real empathy and compassion is made up of. I've had these beautiful moments where I've had opinions and thoughts to express, but held them back because I realized they would only be self-serving. I'm starting to realize that my life isn't ONLY about me. I didn't realize how much I really put myself first all the time. I guess my mentality was always "if I don't put myself first, then who is going to?" Most of that comes from growing up and feeling like I've had to take care of myself fully since 14. But, I'm not 14 anymore and I have to respect where I am now too.
Courage. I'm terrified, most of the time. I usually have a constant shell of self-protection around myself and I rarely let it down. New York City is a tough place to be sensitive, but so is the World. I'm starting to find the courage to accept people for who they are and love them for who they are, not what I think they could be or want them to be. It's scary to start accepting other people as perfect the way they are, because then you have to start to love yourself for who you are and not what you think you could be also.
I'm going through a spiritual awakening of change. Not because I don't want to be who I am right now, but because I think I am actually ready to become the-best-version-of-myself. Whatever that may be. "Control is the skeleton key to change." But, I have to accept that I can't control everything, and some things I have to just let be.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Week 8, Day 3
"No person, place, or situation benefits from our hurried pushing forward. Everything and everyone benefits from our slowing down - letting go and letting God- so that a natural pace and progression can be discovered."
The above quote comes directly from the writing in week 8. And, I think it's true. I can honestly say that I am someone who a lot of the time has my focus on the finish line. Sometimes I run too fast and I trip, lose sight of my goal, or get lost on the way. I don't know what exactly it is that I'm in such a hurry for, but I need to slow down. This really goes into all aspects of my life. I always just want and expect everything to happen overnight, and that just isn't the case. I need to create some sort of moderation in my life, including the pace of which I prefer to get things done. Maybe my entire life doesn't need to be broken down into months, weeks, days, and hours. I do have an entire life to live, so I should take it slow. Eventually I'm going to hit that finish line, we all do. So, what am I running so desperately fast for?
Morning Pages:
CHECK.. I included another letter to God in these pages. I enjoy praying more now, but I enjoy writing the letters too.
The above quote comes directly from the writing in week 8. And, I think it's true. I can honestly say that I am someone who a lot of the time has my focus on the finish line. Sometimes I run too fast and I trip, lose sight of my goal, or get lost on the way. I don't know what exactly it is that I'm in such a hurry for, but I need to slow down. This really goes into all aspects of my life. I always just want and expect everything to happen overnight, and that just isn't the case. I need to create some sort of moderation in my life, including the pace of which I prefer to get things done. Maybe my entire life doesn't need to be broken down into months, weeks, days, and hours. I do have an entire life to live, so I should take it slow. Eventually I'm going to hit that finish line, we all do. So, what am I running so desperately fast for?
Morning Pages:
CHECK.. I included another letter to God in these pages. I enjoy praying more now, but I enjoy writing the letters too.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Week 8, Day 2
Today I bought an acoustic/electric guitar. The woman across the hall teaches lessons, so I'm going to start taking some. I'm really looking forward to it. I've been wanting to play forever, and now I have the chance to learn. It isn't something that I want to make a career out of, but rather I'd like to be able to sit around a camp fire and play Beatles songs. Yes, Beatles. They might be a little bit before my time, but whatever.
I just did my morning pages tonight, this morning I had to run off quickly and then had a million things to do. I feel exhausted now and it isn't even 11pm yet.
I haven't read any of the chapter for this week yet, but I'm about to now. I hope that this week brings a new break through like the ones most recently.
I just did my morning pages tonight, this morning I had to run off quickly and then had a million things to do. I feel exhausted now and it isn't even 11pm yet.
I haven't read any of the chapter for this week yet, but I'm about to now. I hope that this week brings a new break through like the ones most recently.
Week 8, Day 1
Discovering a Sense of Discernment
Tired. I am tired.
Tonight I went to a bar with friends for the first time, besides to work, since I've started this program. It's interesting to be in an establishment where you've been totally wasted and then be there sober. Working in bars, this happens all the time, but to be in a place you don't work, IDK, it struck me as odd for some reason tonight. I didn't feel the need to drink, I was fine with my bottled water, but I also just didn't have the fun that I usually do. Granted, every night I go out isn't always the best time in the World, alcohol or no alcohol. My energy wasn't very high tonight, so that most likely has more to do with it then anything else. I don't want to be "sober" forever, I miss red wine. I miss red wine at dinner a lot. I think that what I really need to find is a life of moderation. Perhaps in the beginning it is a good idea to completely cut things out, and then you can slowly add them back in later.
Truly, there are no right answers, just trial and error.
Tired. I am tired.
Tonight I went to a bar with friends for the first time, besides to work, since I've started this program. It's interesting to be in an establishment where you've been totally wasted and then be there sober. Working in bars, this happens all the time, but to be in a place you don't work, IDK, it struck me as odd for some reason tonight. I didn't feel the need to drink, I was fine with my bottled water, but I also just didn't have the fun that I usually do. Granted, every night I go out isn't always the best time in the World, alcohol or no alcohol. My energy wasn't very high tonight, so that most likely has more to do with it then anything else. I don't want to be "sober" forever, I miss red wine. I miss red wine at dinner a lot. I think that what I really need to find is a life of moderation. Perhaps in the beginning it is a good idea to completely cut things out, and then you can slowly add them back in later.
Truly, there are no right answers, just trial and error.
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