Morning Pages:
CHECK. They got done late today, but still done. They felt scattered and I guess that is fair; my mind has felt scattered. I'm officially 2/3rds done with my original goal. And I've already started to think about what I'm going to be doing after. Right now I have a lot of control in myself, but I'm excited about the possibility of keeping the work that I've done, but also allowing myself to be free. Last night, over dinner, someone pointed out to me how nice it will be for me to be able to continue to make the choices in my life that I have been, but without having to think about them before I make them. Essentially, when the choices and changes are fully functioning and working. Change is hard. And to honest, pretty freaking difficult. Also, worth all the work, as far as I can tell. I don't know what my full thoughts are on everything I've been working on, but I want to live a life of moderation. And, I want to stop being so damn hard on myself all the time.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Week 9, Day 1
It just dawned on me that every week is like a new beginning when I title the blog Week X, Day 1. Yes, everyday should actually be day 1, because it is singular and can be whatever you want it to be. This morning, I woke up with the hugest smile on my face. Why? I have no idea, but the fact that there really isn't a "reason" just makes me more happy. I did my morning pages, cleaned the apartment, played guitar, hit the gym, picked up some things I needed and dropped off my laundry. Very productive and it's only 4pm. Yes, 4pm, please take into consideration that I worked until 5am last night. So, getting up at 12 and getting all this done already is a pretty good accomplishment. I've been working a ton lately, but the great thing is that when I have time off, I find myself getting more done and really enjoying the moments that I have.
I forget where I read it, but somewhere along the line I read something that was all about accepting people for who they are. I know that I've talked about this before, but it really has become something that I have been carrying around in my pocket everyday. That and the fact that everyone makes the choices that they make because they sincerely think they are going to be happier because of them. It's so much easier to forgive someone when you really believe that they were just trying to make themselves happy. It sucks when you get crushed by someone else trying to be happy, but I'm sure I've done my fair amount of crushing in my own journey of life too.
I have become disgustingly optimistic. Not every day, but I have my moments, and I love them. On my walk home from the gym today, I couldn't stop smiling. I don't even think I was thinking about anything direct, but I just happen to have a shit eating grin on my face.
Week 9 starts today, and I don't know if I'm going to stop at the end of week 12. I feel like I'm learning so much about myself and I'm amazed at the speed I'm flying by. I'm enjoying the ride, for the first time in a while.
I forget where I read it, but somewhere along the line I read something that was all about accepting people for who they are. I know that I've talked about this before, but it really has become something that I have been carrying around in my pocket everyday. That and the fact that everyone makes the choices that they make because they sincerely think they are going to be happier because of them. It's so much easier to forgive someone when you really believe that they were just trying to make themselves happy. It sucks when you get crushed by someone else trying to be happy, but I'm sure I've done my fair amount of crushing in my own journey of life too.
I have become disgustingly optimistic. Not every day, but I have my moments, and I love them. On my walk home from the gym today, I couldn't stop smiling. I don't even think I was thinking about anything direct, but I just happen to have a shit eating grin on my face.
Week 9 starts today, and I don't know if I'm going to stop at the end of week 12. I feel like I'm learning so much about myself and I'm amazed at the speed I'm flying by. I'm enjoying the ride, for the first time in a while.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Week 8, Day 6
Empathy, Compassion, and Courage.
Yesterday at work a customer asked me what makes me heart beat outside of bartending. He flat out asked me what my passion in life is. And, 2 months ago I would have something completely different then what I said yesterday. Yesterday, I simply said, "I don't know, 2 months ago I'd have had an answer for you. Today, not so much". For the last four years of my life I've been spending tons of money, time, and energy on acting and trying to make become the best actor possible. Now, I'm not sure if acting is going to feed my soul the way that I want it to be fed. I think my actual purpose for life is so how help other people and spread as much love through the World as possible. You can't heal the World, I'm well aware, but every little bit always helps. In the summer, I am toying with the idea of going back to school for psychology and seeing how I like it. I'm 26, I want to have a piece of paper in my hand that says I am intelligent. Not to say I NEED that, but I want it, for myself.
In the yoga class that I've been taking, the yogi has been talking about working with the parts of yourself that scare you and turning them into things that you can grow and learn from. A way to take all the negative and make it work for you. That is stage one, stage two is working on your heart and learning how to make your own capacity for love grow. The third stage is to stop being selfish and be willing to spread and give love. In the last two months I've learned more and more about what real empathy and compassion is made up of. I've had these beautiful moments where I've had opinions and thoughts to express, but held them back because I realized they would only be self-serving. I'm starting to realize that my life isn't ONLY about me. I didn't realize how much I really put myself first all the time. I guess my mentality was always "if I don't put myself first, then who is going to?" Most of that comes from growing up and feeling like I've had to take care of myself fully since 14. But, I'm not 14 anymore and I have to respect where I am now too.
Courage. I'm terrified, most of the time. I usually have a constant shell of self-protection around myself and I rarely let it down. New York City is a tough place to be sensitive, but so is the World. I'm starting to find the courage to accept people for who they are and love them for who they are, not what I think they could be or want them to be. It's scary to start accepting other people as perfect the way they are, because then you have to start to love yourself for who you are and not what you think you could be also.
I'm going through a spiritual awakening of change. Not because I don't want to be who I am right now, but because I think I am actually ready to become the-best-version-of-myself. Whatever that may be. "Control is the skeleton key to change." But, I have to accept that I can't control everything, and some things I have to just let be.
Yesterday at work a customer asked me what makes me heart beat outside of bartending. He flat out asked me what my passion in life is. And, 2 months ago I would have something completely different then what I said yesterday. Yesterday, I simply said, "I don't know, 2 months ago I'd have had an answer for you. Today, not so much". For the last four years of my life I've been spending tons of money, time, and energy on acting and trying to make become the best actor possible. Now, I'm not sure if acting is going to feed my soul the way that I want it to be fed. I think my actual purpose for life is so how help other people and spread as much love through the World as possible. You can't heal the World, I'm well aware, but every little bit always helps. In the summer, I am toying with the idea of going back to school for psychology and seeing how I like it. I'm 26, I want to have a piece of paper in my hand that says I am intelligent. Not to say I NEED that, but I want it, for myself.
In the yoga class that I've been taking, the yogi has been talking about working with the parts of yourself that scare you and turning them into things that you can grow and learn from. A way to take all the negative and make it work for you. That is stage one, stage two is working on your heart and learning how to make your own capacity for love grow. The third stage is to stop being selfish and be willing to spread and give love. In the last two months I've learned more and more about what real empathy and compassion is made up of. I've had these beautiful moments where I've had opinions and thoughts to express, but held them back because I realized they would only be self-serving. I'm starting to realize that my life isn't ONLY about me. I didn't realize how much I really put myself first all the time. I guess my mentality was always "if I don't put myself first, then who is going to?" Most of that comes from growing up and feeling like I've had to take care of myself fully since 14. But, I'm not 14 anymore and I have to respect where I am now too.
Courage. I'm terrified, most of the time. I usually have a constant shell of self-protection around myself and I rarely let it down. New York City is a tough place to be sensitive, but so is the World. I'm starting to find the courage to accept people for who they are and love them for who they are, not what I think they could be or want them to be. It's scary to start accepting other people as perfect the way they are, because then you have to start to love yourself for who you are and not what you think you could be also.
I'm going through a spiritual awakening of change. Not because I don't want to be who I am right now, but because I think I am actually ready to become the-best-version-of-myself. Whatever that may be. "Control is the skeleton key to change." But, I have to accept that I can't control everything, and some things I have to just let be.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Week 8, Day 3
"No person, place, or situation benefits from our hurried pushing forward. Everything and everyone benefits from our slowing down - letting go and letting God- so that a natural pace and progression can be discovered."
The above quote comes directly from the writing in week 8. And, I think it's true. I can honestly say that I am someone who a lot of the time has my focus on the finish line. Sometimes I run too fast and I trip, lose sight of my goal, or get lost on the way. I don't know what exactly it is that I'm in such a hurry for, but I need to slow down. This really goes into all aspects of my life. I always just want and expect everything to happen overnight, and that just isn't the case. I need to create some sort of moderation in my life, including the pace of which I prefer to get things done. Maybe my entire life doesn't need to be broken down into months, weeks, days, and hours. I do have an entire life to live, so I should take it slow. Eventually I'm going to hit that finish line, we all do. So, what am I running so desperately fast for?
Morning Pages:
CHECK.. I included another letter to God in these pages. I enjoy praying more now, but I enjoy writing the letters too.
The above quote comes directly from the writing in week 8. And, I think it's true. I can honestly say that I am someone who a lot of the time has my focus on the finish line. Sometimes I run too fast and I trip, lose sight of my goal, or get lost on the way. I don't know what exactly it is that I'm in such a hurry for, but I need to slow down. This really goes into all aspects of my life. I always just want and expect everything to happen overnight, and that just isn't the case. I need to create some sort of moderation in my life, including the pace of which I prefer to get things done. Maybe my entire life doesn't need to be broken down into months, weeks, days, and hours. I do have an entire life to live, so I should take it slow. Eventually I'm going to hit that finish line, we all do. So, what am I running so desperately fast for?
Morning Pages:
CHECK.. I included another letter to God in these pages. I enjoy praying more now, but I enjoy writing the letters too.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Week 8, Day 2
Today I bought an acoustic/electric guitar. The woman across the hall teaches lessons, so I'm going to start taking some. I'm really looking forward to it. I've been wanting to play forever, and now I have the chance to learn. It isn't something that I want to make a career out of, but rather I'd like to be able to sit around a camp fire and play Beatles songs. Yes, Beatles. They might be a little bit before my time, but whatever.
I just did my morning pages tonight, this morning I had to run off quickly and then had a million things to do. I feel exhausted now and it isn't even 11pm yet.
I haven't read any of the chapter for this week yet, but I'm about to now. I hope that this week brings a new break through like the ones most recently.
I just did my morning pages tonight, this morning I had to run off quickly and then had a million things to do. I feel exhausted now and it isn't even 11pm yet.
I haven't read any of the chapter for this week yet, but I'm about to now. I hope that this week brings a new break through like the ones most recently.
Week 8, Day 1
Discovering a Sense of Discernment
Tired. I am tired.
Tonight I went to a bar with friends for the first time, besides to work, since I've started this program. It's interesting to be in an establishment where you've been totally wasted and then be there sober. Working in bars, this happens all the time, but to be in a place you don't work, IDK, it struck me as odd for some reason tonight. I didn't feel the need to drink, I was fine with my bottled water, but I also just didn't have the fun that I usually do. Granted, every night I go out isn't always the best time in the World, alcohol or no alcohol. My energy wasn't very high tonight, so that most likely has more to do with it then anything else. I don't want to be "sober" forever, I miss red wine. I miss red wine at dinner a lot. I think that what I really need to find is a life of moderation. Perhaps in the beginning it is a good idea to completely cut things out, and then you can slowly add them back in later.
Truly, there are no right answers, just trial and error.
Tired. I am tired.
Tonight I went to a bar with friends for the first time, besides to work, since I've started this program. It's interesting to be in an establishment where you've been totally wasted and then be there sober. Working in bars, this happens all the time, but to be in a place you don't work, IDK, it struck me as odd for some reason tonight. I didn't feel the need to drink, I was fine with my bottled water, but I also just didn't have the fun that I usually do. Granted, every night I go out isn't always the best time in the World, alcohol or no alcohol. My energy wasn't very high tonight, so that most likely has more to do with it then anything else. I don't want to be "sober" forever, I miss red wine. I miss red wine at dinner a lot. I think that what I really need to find is a life of moderation. Perhaps in the beginning it is a good idea to completely cut things out, and then you can slowly add them back in later.
Truly, there are no right answers, just trial and error.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Week 7, Day 7
The end of week 7...
I've done all the tasks for this week. I've walked a ton. I've done all my morning pages. And I HAVEN'T done my artist's date. With that said, I worked 14 hours yesterday and I'm about to do the same today. So, the artist's date may have to wait a couple days.
The morning pages are continuing to be the most powerful tool I've got in my belt. I love them. They allow me to really open myself up and think things out. I think they also just help me to not be so stressed overall. After these 12 weeks, I think I'm going to continue to do them forever. They take 20 minutes and are so worth every moment of it.
I've done all the tasks for this week. I've walked a ton. I've done all my morning pages. And I HAVEN'T done my artist's date. With that said, I worked 14 hours yesterday and I'm about to do the same today. So, the artist's date may have to wait a couple days.
The morning pages are continuing to be the most powerful tool I've got in my belt. I love them. They allow me to really open myself up and think things out. I think they also just help me to not be so stressed overall. After these 12 weeks, I think I'm going to continue to do them forever. They take 20 minutes and are so worth every moment of it.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Week 7, Day 5
Today is one of those days where I don't know exactly where I stand. The ground feels a little shaky and I'm not sure exactly what way I might tumble. But, why do I assume I will tumble? Can't I just take a deep breathe and gain my balance once again? I've heard from a close friend recently that when you choose to make a lot of changes to your life at one time, it can be very unsettling, but eventually it balances out and you just have to give it time. I feel like I might be working towards that balance, but it's a Hell of a ride and I feel like I could collapse at any moment. With that said, I don't feel like I'm anywhere near a breakdown, but a bit emotional.
The other day I came to the realization that the only "working" relationship I saw growing up was the one between my sister and her high school boyfriend. At the age of around 15, what sort of real functioning relationship could they really have had? From what I remember, not one that was built around mutual respect and pure love for one another. That is in no way to say that they had a "bad" relationship, but when you're so young I don't think anyone knows how to have a "good" relationship. And when you're 15, who can really be held accountable for anything you've done? No one. So, here is the fucked up part, I think because that was the only "working" relationship I saw (working meaning lasting for a few years) I feel that I might base all of my relationships on how I saw theirs work. Yes, as an adult, I've possibly based how a working relationship should work on one my sister had when she was 15. FUCKED UP. Clearly, I have to change my perspective and how I see relationship.
Yesterday I was reminded of this verse from the Bible:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. . .And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. - excerpts from 1 Corinthians 13:4-13
And, that seems like a pretty good place to start.
The other day I came to the realization that the only "working" relationship I saw growing up was the one between my sister and her high school boyfriend. At the age of around 15, what sort of real functioning relationship could they really have had? From what I remember, not one that was built around mutual respect and pure love for one another. That is in no way to say that they had a "bad" relationship, but when you're so young I don't think anyone knows how to have a "good" relationship. And when you're 15, who can really be held accountable for anything you've done? No one. So, here is the fucked up part, I think because that was the only "working" relationship I saw (working meaning lasting for a few years) I feel that I might base all of my relationships on how I saw theirs work. Yes, as an adult, I've possibly based how a working relationship should work on one my sister had when she was 15. FUCKED UP. Clearly, I have to change my perspective and how I see relationship.
Yesterday I was reminded of this verse from the Bible:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. . .And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. - excerpts from 1 Corinthians 13:4-13
And, that seems like a pretty good place to start.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Week 7, Day 4
The world is so different without alcohol eyeglasses. My entire life is really starting to make sense and I'm learning how to gauge things that are going on in my life. I am starting to learn what really matters and what I would actually like to do with my life. I think starting this summer I'm going to be going back to school for Psychology. I'd like to be able to help other people the way that my therapist has helped me in so many ways. I think I finally figured out what my purpose in life is, and it is to help people. I think helping people and showing them love is the only thing in my life that is going to leave me feeling fulfilled. And, luckily the world needs a lot of love, so maybe it isn't such a bad thing. This is of course, just an idea, but something I feel pretty good about. I also, don't want to be 40, 35, or even 30 and bar tending. I want more then that for myself.
This entire 7 weeks has been crazy to me, I don't even know how I've gotten to where I am. It's been pretty emotionally up and down, but all good. Every emotion is good, at least as far as I can tell. In the book I'm reading, "The Rhythm of Life," it talks about how everything that everyone does is out of love. Everything that everyone does sincerely thinks that the actions they are doing is going to make them happy. And, I believe it. I know everything I do always has me thinking it's the right choice. If I step back and look at the larger picture though and what I actually want from life, I realize it isn't necessarily true and the choice I want to make changes right in front of me.
Off to my on-camera class!
This entire 7 weeks has been crazy to me, I don't even know how I've gotten to where I am. It's been pretty emotionally up and down, but all good. Every emotion is good, at least as far as I can tell. In the book I'm reading, "The Rhythm of Life," it talks about how everything that everyone does is out of love. Everything that everyone does sincerely thinks that the actions they are doing is going to make them happy. And, I believe it. I know everything I do always has me thinking it's the right choice. If I step back and look at the larger picture though and what I actually want from life, I realize it isn't necessarily true and the choice I want to make changes right in front of me.
Off to my on-camera class!
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Week 7, Day 3
I'm still here, I'm still on board.
I missed updating this page on Sunday and Monday, but I still did the work.
Sunday was an awesome day and I did put the morning pages off until about 3am. I almost fell asleep writing them. But, I have to find some sort of balance between putting all of this work first and having fun in my life too. I've been spending a lot of time trying to figure things out for myself, which has been awesome, but I need to really find a safe balance to make sure that I'm not using this work to ignore other things in my life. Perhaps reading two books at the same time, taking an on-camera class, doing the blog, and starting a new job is a little much all at the same time. I am half way through though, no stopping now.
Abstinence is changing my life and total way of thinking and looking at relationships. The other day, I reached a level of intimacy with someone that I hadn't experienced in a very long time. It was strange to me to feel so connected and in tune with someone and not have actual sex be involved. It was a very interesting lesson to learn and I really don't know how to explain it. But, I can't believe that I hadn't experienced it earlier on in life.
Some of the lessons I've been learning for the past few weeks have been tough, and hard to hear at best. I'm glad that I'm figuring so many things out though. The other day I my entire life's emotional timeline fell into place and I realized exactly what and why I've been doing things since I was 10 years old. There was an enormous moment of gratitude and silence. Everything just clicked and I loved it. I can only hope and pray for many more moments exactly like that.
I missed updating this page on Sunday and Monday, but I still did the work.
Sunday was an awesome day and I did put the morning pages off until about 3am. I almost fell asleep writing them. But, I have to find some sort of balance between putting all of this work first and having fun in my life too. I've been spending a lot of time trying to figure things out for myself, which has been awesome, but I need to really find a safe balance to make sure that I'm not using this work to ignore other things in my life. Perhaps reading two books at the same time, taking an on-camera class, doing the blog, and starting a new job is a little much all at the same time. I am half way through though, no stopping now.
Abstinence is changing my life and total way of thinking and looking at relationships. The other day, I reached a level of intimacy with someone that I hadn't experienced in a very long time. It was strange to me to feel so connected and in tune with someone and not have actual sex be involved. It was a very interesting lesson to learn and I really don't know how to explain it. But, I can't believe that I hadn't experienced it earlier on in life.
Some of the lessons I've been learning for the past few weeks have been tough, and hard to hear at best. I'm glad that I'm figuring so many things out though. The other day I my entire life's emotional timeline fell into place and I realized exactly what and why I've been doing things since I was 10 years old. There was an enormous moment of gratitude and silence. Everything just clicked and I loved it. I can only hope and pray for many more moments exactly like that.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Week 6, Day 7
Today ends week 6, Discovering a Sense of Boundaries.
I don't know if I've had any boundary issues this week. I've had my boundaries sexually respected, which was actually really nice. The person said, I respect your choice. To be honest, if I were with someone who said they were currently practicing abstinence I don't know if I'd be able to help myself from pressing the envelope. It's a great feeling to hear someone say, "I respect you." I realize how weird that sounds, everyone should respect each other, and I know that I don't always do it myself. The experience makes me want to reexamine past situations I've been in and understand how respectful I am or am not to everyone else.
This week has been rough for me emotionally. I really have such massive ups and downs with emotions. When I get stressed out, I get anxiety and I STILL want to smoke. I literally was only smoking maybe 1 or 2 cigarettes a day for maybe 8 weeks. I was nowhere near a pack a day or anything close to that. But, still after 6 full weeks I feel a draw to smoke when I get stressed. Perhaps I was addicted to nicotine a bit? I still haven't drank, which has been very difficult because of the bartending. But, overall, I'm getting much more done productivity wise with my life.
My painting is coming along nicely. And I'm excited to have it eventually hanging in my room.
Tomorrow begins week 7, Discovering a Sense of Momentum....
I don't know if I've had any boundary issues this week. I've had my boundaries sexually respected, which was actually really nice. The person said, I respect your choice. To be honest, if I were with someone who said they were currently practicing abstinence I don't know if I'd be able to help myself from pressing the envelope. It's a great feeling to hear someone say, "I respect you." I realize how weird that sounds, everyone should respect each other, and I know that I don't always do it myself. The experience makes me want to reexamine past situations I've been in and understand how respectful I am or am not to everyone else.
This week has been rough for me emotionally. I really have such massive ups and downs with emotions. When I get stressed out, I get anxiety and I STILL want to smoke. I literally was only smoking maybe 1 or 2 cigarettes a day for maybe 8 weeks. I was nowhere near a pack a day or anything close to that. But, still after 6 full weeks I feel a draw to smoke when I get stressed. Perhaps I was addicted to nicotine a bit? I still haven't drank, which has been very difficult because of the bartending. But, overall, I'm getting much more done productivity wise with my life.
My painting is coming along nicely. And I'm excited to have it eventually hanging in my room.
Tomorrow begins week 7, Discovering a Sense of Momentum....
Week 6, Day 6
Today I worked my first double shift bartending in years. I used to do it all the time when I worked a little bar in HK, but this is a little different.
I woke up after an awesome night and wrote my morning pages.
Tomorrow I have a good amount of work to do as well to finish off this week.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Week 6, Day 5
Dear Morning Pages,
Thank You.
Love,
Thomas.
Doing the morning pages everyday has helped me in so many different ways. It has really allowed me to think things out thoroughly and make more logical and emotionally sound choices. I don't have the same thoughts a million times over and over and over again all day any more. Granted, there are still times where I obsess about issues in my life, but for the most part, I haven't been too much.
Week 6 is coming to a close shortly, but my painting is coming along nicely. I've been writing a ton and I feel more connected to myself. Right now, I feel pretty damn happy.
Thank You.
Love,
Thomas.
Doing the morning pages everyday has helped me in so many different ways. It has really allowed me to think things out thoroughly and make more logical and emotionally sound choices. I don't have the same thoughts a million times over and over and over again all day any more. Granted, there are still times where I obsess about issues in my life, but for the most part, I haven't been too much.
Week 6 is coming to a close shortly, but my painting is coming along nicely. I've been writing a ton and I feel more connected to myself. Right now, I feel pretty damn happy.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Week 6, Day 4
It's been a really busy week. I've had rehearsal or work every day along with starting a new class. I haven't even had time to finish reading this weeks chapter, which is a rarity for me. I'm about to read a bit now before bed.
Morning Pages: CHECK!
Morning Pages: CHECK!
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Week 6, Day 3
LONG DAY!
I need to update this in the morning again and no longer at night. I'm too tired to think right now.
I need to update this in the morning again and no longer at night. I'm too tired to think right now.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Week 6, day 2
Morning Pages: CHECK.
I sometimes have the urge to control everything in my life. Even the aspects that are nowhere within control at all. I've had plenty of moments where something has just seemed unmanageable to myself, so my way of controlling it is to just walk away from it. I'm trying really hard to not do that now with a few situations in my life. The funny thing about life is that you can't control everything and sometimes things just need to play out and whatever happens happens. I have a VERY hard time doing that. I want to know why and how come about everything, and RIGHT NOW! I'm not always the best at just rolling with it. Although, I would like to be much better at it. If I could manage to really just live in the moment more, then I guess I wouldn't worry so much about what's going to happen next, and I'd just be able to enjoy whatever in going on in front of me. Sometimes I just think too much about the next step or what tomorrow brings. A lot of times, in my efforts to control things, I end up busting them into a million pieces. It's very hard to keep yourself in check and stop yourself from not doing it. Even trying to give up control gives me a bit of anxiety, I'm learning how to deal with it.
It's rough.
Stalking, I learned all about it from my best friend.
Yesterday was a beautiful day in NYC. It was sunny and beautiful outside, but of course after working, I didn't get up until 1pm. I left my apartment with 45 minutes until rehearsal to grab coffee and take a short stroll. Picking up my coffee at my usually Starbucks, I started walking down 9th avenue. Hitting 44th street, I crossed and began to walk back uptown. In front of me, a couple caught my eye. The girl seems thin, beautiful, in shape and in very fresh clean clothing. The man who's arm she was attached too was wearing ripped jeans, an old jacket and an interesting hat. Something about them struck me as very interesting. Maybe it was the body language, how clearly she was drawn to him and hanging on his every word. I don't know exactly what it was, but I followed them as they walked hand in hand. The rest of the world didn't seem to matter at all to them. When it came to my block to turn left, then continued, so I figured I had a bit of time and tagged along. I ended up following them until they ducked into a restaurant. If I had more time, I may have ducked in too. I've never followed someone before, or a couple and I'm not sure why I felt the need to. But, there was just something beautiful about them, I wanted to learn more.
Today, on my way to the gym, the same woman came rushing by me. Alone. I couldn't help but stop and take in the moment. No, I didn't follow her, but it was interesting to see her in such a hurry, almost panicked and just different then how I had seen her the day before with her lover. I'm infatuated with people that are in love, I want to know everything about who they both are, why they are in love, how it happened. I want to know how they feel when they are apart, who them become. I imagine they both have very exciting creative lives and a terribly romantic relationship. Of course, I could be wrong, I probably am wrong. But, I'd rather think I'm right.
I sometimes have the urge to control everything in my life. Even the aspects that are nowhere within control at all. I've had plenty of moments where something has just seemed unmanageable to myself, so my way of controlling it is to just walk away from it. I'm trying really hard to not do that now with a few situations in my life. The funny thing about life is that you can't control everything and sometimes things just need to play out and whatever happens happens. I have a VERY hard time doing that. I want to know why and how come about everything, and RIGHT NOW! I'm not always the best at just rolling with it. Although, I would like to be much better at it. If I could manage to really just live in the moment more, then I guess I wouldn't worry so much about what's going to happen next, and I'd just be able to enjoy whatever in going on in front of me. Sometimes I just think too much about the next step or what tomorrow brings. A lot of times, in my efforts to control things, I end up busting them into a million pieces. It's very hard to keep yourself in check and stop yourself from not doing it. Even trying to give up control gives me a bit of anxiety, I'm learning how to deal with it.
It's rough.
Stalking, I learned all about it from my best friend.
Yesterday was a beautiful day in NYC. It was sunny and beautiful outside, but of course after working, I didn't get up until 1pm. I left my apartment with 45 minutes until rehearsal to grab coffee and take a short stroll. Picking up my coffee at my usually Starbucks, I started walking down 9th avenue. Hitting 44th street, I crossed and began to walk back uptown. In front of me, a couple caught my eye. The girl seems thin, beautiful, in shape and in very fresh clean clothing. The man who's arm she was attached too was wearing ripped jeans, an old jacket and an interesting hat. Something about them struck me as very interesting. Maybe it was the body language, how clearly she was drawn to him and hanging on his every word. I don't know exactly what it was, but I followed them as they walked hand in hand. The rest of the world didn't seem to matter at all to them. When it came to my block to turn left, then continued, so I figured I had a bit of time and tagged along. I ended up following them until they ducked into a restaurant. If I had more time, I may have ducked in too. I've never followed someone before, or a couple and I'm not sure why I felt the need to. But, there was just something beautiful about them, I wanted to learn more.
Today, on my way to the gym, the same woman came rushing by me. Alone. I couldn't help but stop and take in the moment. No, I didn't follow her, but it was interesting to see her in such a hurry, almost panicked and just different then how I had seen her the day before with her lover. I'm infatuated with people that are in love, I want to know everything about who they both are, why they are in love, how it happened. I want to know how they feel when they are apart, who them become. I imagine they both have very exciting creative lives and a terribly romantic relationship. Of course, I could be wrong, I probably am wrong. But, I'd rather think I'm right.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Week 6, Day 1
Discovering a Sense of Boundaries.
I'm exhausted. I had a long weekend and today was a ton of fun.
I do have some things to share, like how I stalked/followed a cute couple on the street today because I was curious about them and where they were going. Yes, I took a picture. I will give you more details tomorrow. :-)
I'm exhausted. I had a long weekend and today was a ton of fun.
I do have some things to share, like how I stalked/followed a cute couple on the street today because I was curious about them and where they were going. Yes, I took a picture. I will give you more details tomorrow. :-)
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Week 5, Day 7
Week 5... a tough one in review...
This week has really brought a lot of issues, both good and bad to the surface. When I say both good and bad, I guess I mean more so that dealing with them has been easy and hard. Any issue brought to the surface is always good. It's interesting to me that I am choosing to try and really work through any issue in my life, but in actuality, I don't think I have any issues that are really that much worse then any other "average" person. I've never been into hard drugs, been a drunk, never been physically abused or physically abusive, had an eating disorder, or anything too over the top really happen. For some reason, I struggle with things though, and I think a lot of people are in the same boat. Maybe you can't put your finger on it, but there is still something boiling under the surface that is stoping you from reaching what you see your full potential as being.
This week has seemed to turn me into an open ended nerve. On multiple occasions this week I've burst into tears for no apparent reason. I'll literally be jumping around to one of my favorite songs, and something will blindside me like a burst of lightening and I start to cry. Admitting this is not my proudest moment, but it also doesn't mean anything negative. I probably have some things going on that I haven't dealt with and my new found vulnerability is making it easier and easier for things to set me off. I feel very creative, and I've been painting a ton. The piece I'm working on is coming together awesomely, and everyday I sit down for at least 20 minutes and paint away. I have found myself painting in both quiet and with music and being moved. There is something so calming and interesting in watching a brush move across canvas and leaving a trail behind.
Abstinence
It is getting more and more difficult, but also easier. In the beginning of this "journey", I had decided that for 3 weeks I would abstain from sex and now, I'm thinking that I will until I'm in a relationship. I guess I'm really starting to think that I'm worth waiting for, sort of how I did as a kid. And, it's true. I've had plenty of sex and I still would argue that it is always better when it is with someone you care about. Granted, I've had great sex with people I didn't care about, but the feeling after is of course never the same.
This week I was tested in exactly how dedicated I am. I was making out with someone that I've been spending a decent amount of time with recently and for the first time in a long time, I actually really really enjoyed it. That isn't to say that I haven't enjoyed kissing anyone, or that there is something about this person that makes it any better or blah blah blah. But, just knowing that it wasn't going to lead to sex allowed me to just enjoy it and have fun. I wasn't thinking anything stupid about what underwear I was wearing, would the person like this or that, or anything else that goes through your mind before you have sex. It was as if that scared or nervous part wasn't there, and it was nice. Also, I felt like the person was actually kissing "me", not just kissing another person, but "me".
Drinking and Smoking
I miss having a cigarette on the way to work. I miss having shots at work. I miss drinking red wine at dinner, and I miss just being able to relax behind the bar. A little liquid courage always made the night go a little faster. But, I haven't slipped up, even when I've been stressed out and wanted to. With all the little issues popping up, it seems like nature to grab something to ease your mind from thinking about things, and it's very hard not to just light up, or throw one back and feel better. It's getting easier. It's getting a lot easier.
Yoga
I started yoga this week. I did a class yesterday and one today. I loved them both and I feel calmer and more centered. How much inner work is too much to do at one time? HAHA.
ONE TO WEEK 6!
This week has really brought a lot of issues, both good and bad to the surface. When I say both good and bad, I guess I mean more so that dealing with them has been easy and hard. Any issue brought to the surface is always good. It's interesting to me that I am choosing to try and really work through any issue in my life, but in actuality, I don't think I have any issues that are really that much worse then any other "average" person. I've never been into hard drugs, been a drunk, never been physically abused or physically abusive, had an eating disorder, or anything too over the top really happen. For some reason, I struggle with things though, and I think a lot of people are in the same boat. Maybe you can't put your finger on it, but there is still something boiling under the surface that is stoping you from reaching what you see your full potential as being.
This week has seemed to turn me into an open ended nerve. On multiple occasions this week I've burst into tears for no apparent reason. I'll literally be jumping around to one of my favorite songs, and something will blindside me like a burst of lightening and I start to cry. Admitting this is not my proudest moment, but it also doesn't mean anything negative. I probably have some things going on that I haven't dealt with and my new found vulnerability is making it easier and easier for things to set me off. I feel very creative, and I've been painting a ton. The piece I'm working on is coming together awesomely, and everyday I sit down for at least 20 minutes and paint away. I have found myself painting in both quiet and with music and being moved. There is something so calming and interesting in watching a brush move across canvas and leaving a trail behind.
Abstinence
It is getting more and more difficult, but also easier. In the beginning of this "journey", I had decided that for 3 weeks I would abstain from sex and now, I'm thinking that I will until I'm in a relationship. I guess I'm really starting to think that I'm worth waiting for, sort of how I did as a kid. And, it's true. I've had plenty of sex and I still would argue that it is always better when it is with someone you care about. Granted, I've had great sex with people I didn't care about, but the feeling after is of course never the same.
This week I was tested in exactly how dedicated I am. I was making out with someone that I've been spending a decent amount of time with recently and for the first time in a long time, I actually really really enjoyed it. That isn't to say that I haven't enjoyed kissing anyone, or that there is something about this person that makes it any better or blah blah blah. But, just knowing that it wasn't going to lead to sex allowed me to just enjoy it and have fun. I wasn't thinking anything stupid about what underwear I was wearing, would the person like this or that, or anything else that goes through your mind before you have sex. It was as if that scared or nervous part wasn't there, and it was nice. Also, I felt like the person was actually kissing "me", not just kissing another person, but "me".
Drinking and Smoking
I miss having a cigarette on the way to work. I miss having shots at work. I miss drinking red wine at dinner, and I miss just being able to relax behind the bar. A little liquid courage always made the night go a little faster. But, I haven't slipped up, even when I've been stressed out and wanted to. With all the little issues popping up, it seems like nature to grab something to ease your mind from thinking about things, and it's very hard not to just light up, or throw one back and feel better. It's getting easier. It's getting a lot easier.
Yoga
I started yoga this week. I did a class yesterday and one today. I loved them both and I feel calmer and more centered. How much inner work is too much to do at one time? HAHA.
ONE TO WEEK 6!
Friday, February 4, 2011
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Week 5, Day 5
Weekly Walk
Tonight I decided it was a good night to go for my weekly walk. I've sort of had a lot in my head this evening, so I figured it was a good time to walk it out. It's 29 degrees outside, but my toes would argue much colder. I bundled up and decided I'd take a stroll through Time Square. As someone that would call them self a "New Yorker", Time Square is very much a zone that you avoid at all costs. If you live in New York City, the only time you actually go there on purpose is if you have a purpose. Tonight, I did. I wanted to catch a glimpse into what it is that makes so many people gather and stare. I've forgotten what it is like to be amazed by so many bright lights.
When I first moved here, almost 8 years ago at this point, one of my friends from Michigan actually lived downtown. We met up one night to go for a walk aimlessly and ended up in Time Square. I remember thinking how awesome it was that I lived so close to such an awesome place. I was in awe of all the lights and people, the cars, the craziness. I was also filled with pride for myself for following my dream to New York.
Now, I live only a few measly blocks from the center of Time Square and I try my best not to have to go there. I walk around it, or take a different subway stop, I avoid the crowds and people standing in the middle of the side walk to just stare up. It feels like maybe NYC has lost some of it's charm to me. Or, maybe I've just grown past what used to charm me?
Tonight, I walked across 50th street, and directly into the top of Time Square. I slowly walked down Broadway and actually took the time to look around. And, it is true, Time Square has lost the magic to me. There weren't a ton of people all over. There was plenty of space to move around and no one standing in my way. I remember sparkling shinning lights, and now all I see are huge screens with flashing images. The Virgin Megastore is closed and a Forever 21 in it's place. I don't what I expected to feel, or to see, but this wasn't it.
Sometimes you just don't get to see what you expect, or what you want. Sometimes it's just out of your control. I think I often expect things to be a certain way and become very disappointed when everything isn't perfect. I have a hard time giving over control and just trusting that everything will be ok. I want to where, when, why and how come about everything.
MORNING PAGES
CHECK.
Tonight I decided it was a good night to go for my weekly walk. I've sort of had a lot in my head this evening, so I figured it was a good time to walk it out. It's 29 degrees outside, but my toes would argue much colder. I bundled up and decided I'd take a stroll through Time Square. As someone that would call them self a "New Yorker", Time Square is very much a zone that you avoid at all costs. If you live in New York City, the only time you actually go there on purpose is if you have a purpose. Tonight, I did. I wanted to catch a glimpse into what it is that makes so many people gather and stare. I've forgotten what it is like to be amazed by so many bright lights.
When I first moved here, almost 8 years ago at this point, one of my friends from Michigan actually lived downtown. We met up one night to go for a walk aimlessly and ended up in Time Square. I remember thinking how awesome it was that I lived so close to such an awesome place. I was in awe of all the lights and people, the cars, the craziness. I was also filled with pride for myself for following my dream to New York.
Now, I live only a few measly blocks from the center of Time Square and I try my best not to have to go there. I walk around it, or take a different subway stop, I avoid the crowds and people standing in the middle of the side walk to just stare up. It feels like maybe NYC has lost some of it's charm to me. Or, maybe I've just grown past what used to charm me?
Tonight, I walked across 50th street, and directly into the top of Time Square. I slowly walked down Broadway and actually took the time to look around. And, it is true, Time Square has lost the magic to me. There weren't a ton of people all over. There was plenty of space to move around and no one standing in my way. I remember sparkling shinning lights, and now all I see are huge screens with flashing images. The Virgin Megastore is closed and a Forever 21 in it's place. I don't what I expected to feel, or to see, but this wasn't it.
Sometimes you just don't get to see what you expect, or what you want. Sometimes it's just out of your control. I think I often expect things to be a certain way and become very disappointed when everything isn't perfect. I have a hard time giving over control and just trusting that everything will be ok. I want to where, when, why and how come about everything.
MORNING PAGES
CHECK.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Week 5, Day 4
MORNING PAGES!!
Today I couldn't stop myself from writing. Usually I write 2 pages and struggle through the 3rd. Today, I flew past the third and continued to finish the 4th. It was actually a nice experience to just keep going. I wasn't pushing it, but just letting it happen organically. I think a lot of times in life I push push push, instead of just allowing things to be. I get really distracted on wanting them to be "right", and I forget to just enjoy whatever it is I'm doing.
My painting is coming along really wonderfully. I have a full vision in my head of exactly what I want it to look like and I can't wait to have it finished and hanging above my bed.
BIBLE
I'm still reading the Bible as much as I can. Lately it hasn't been every morning and every night, but today I did read for almost an hour, so that makes up for some of it. There are a couple books I'm diving into right now, so I'm trying to take bits and pieces from them all at the same time.
:-)
Today I couldn't stop myself from writing. Usually I write 2 pages and struggle through the 3rd. Today, I flew past the third and continued to finish the 4th. It was actually a nice experience to just keep going. I wasn't pushing it, but just letting it happen organically. I think a lot of times in life I push push push, instead of just allowing things to be. I get really distracted on wanting them to be "right", and I forget to just enjoy whatever it is I'm doing.
My painting is coming along really wonderfully. I have a full vision in my head of exactly what I want it to look like and I can't wait to have it finished and hanging above my bed.
BIBLE
I'm still reading the Bible as much as I can. Lately it hasn't been every morning and every night, but today I did read for almost an hour, so that makes up for some of it. There are a couple books I'm diving into right now, so I'm trying to take bits and pieces from them all at the same time.
:-)
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Week 5, Day 3
The only way out is through...
This week I feel like I've been on an emotional roller coaster with extremes in either direction from one hour to the next. As much as it sucks, I think it is all part of progress and simply means that changes are happening, my energy is realigning and everything is going to be okay. I of course know that everything is always going to be okay, but that isn't always enough comfort to make yourself feel better. Recently I've found some comfort in knowing thinking that everything is in God's hands and there is no reason to have anxiety. This too, doesn't always make everything feel okay. We are humans, and humans are highly emotional brings. Granted, I know some people that seem to have way less emotions and some that have way more, but overall, you get the idea. I don't know exactly where I want to go with this entry, but I feel sort of exhausted and tired. I just feel warn out, partially from thinking too much.
MORNING PAGES!!
I've noticed the depth of my pages have really increased. In the beginning I was basically rambling about the errands of the day, little things that happened or didn't happen. My thoughts were all of the place. Now, I find myself writing about the same topic the entire 3 pages and in controlled legible print. Yesterday I wrote about an experience I had in the lunch room in 5th grade. It was a very random memory, but I could remember every detail, even what I was eating. I love that I'm going places with my writing, below just the surface of a list of the events of the day. I'm excited to see what I'll be writing tomorrow morning.
Every time you raise your voice
I see the greener grass
Every time you run for cover
I see this pasture
Every time we're in a funk
I picture a different choice
Every time we're in a rut
This distant grandeur
My tendency to want to do away feels natural and
My urgency to dream of softer places feels understandable
The only way out is through
The faster we're in the better
The only way out is through ultimately
The only way out is through
The only way we'll feel better
The only way out is through ultimately
Every time I'm confused
I think there must be easier ways
Every time our horns are locked I'm towel throwing
Every time we're at a loss, we've bolted from difficulty
Anytime we're in stalemate of final bowing
My tendency to want to hide away feels easier and
The immediacy is picturing another place comforting to go
The only way out is through
The faster we're in the better
The only way out is through ultimately
The only way out is through
The only way we'll feel better
The only way out is through ultimately
We could just walk away and hide our heads in the sand
We could just call it quits, only to start all over again
With somebody else
Every time we're stuck in struggle, I'm down for the count that day
Every time I dream of quick fix I'm assuaged
Now I know it's hard when it's through
And I'm damned if I don't know quick fix way
But formerly mistreat me silence now outdated
My tendency to want to run feels unnatural now
The urgency to want to give to you I don't want most feels good
The only way out is through
The faster we're in the better
The only way out is through ultimately
The only way out is through
The only way we'll feel better
The only way out is through ultimately
The only way out is through
The faster we're in the better
The only way out is through ultimately
The only way out is through
The only way we'll get better
The only way out is through ultimately
This week I feel like I've been on an emotional roller coaster with extremes in either direction from one hour to the next. As much as it sucks, I think it is all part of progress and simply means that changes are happening, my energy is realigning and everything is going to be okay. I of course know that everything is always going to be okay, but that isn't always enough comfort to make yourself feel better. Recently I've found some comfort in knowing thinking that everything is in God's hands and there is no reason to have anxiety. This too, doesn't always make everything feel okay. We are humans, and humans are highly emotional brings. Granted, I know some people that seem to have way less emotions and some that have way more, but overall, you get the idea. I don't know exactly where I want to go with this entry, but I feel sort of exhausted and tired. I just feel warn out, partially from thinking too much.
MORNING PAGES!!
I've noticed the depth of my pages have really increased. In the beginning I was basically rambling about the errands of the day, little things that happened or didn't happen. My thoughts were all of the place. Now, I find myself writing about the same topic the entire 3 pages and in controlled legible print. Yesterday I wrote about an experience I had in the lunch room in 5th grade. It was a very random memory, but I could remember every detail, even what I was eating. I love that I'm going places with my writing, below just the surface of a list of the events of the day. I'm excited to see what I'll be writing tomorrow morning.
Every time you raise your voice
I see the greener grass
Every time you run for cover
I see this pasture
Every time we're in a funk
I picture a different choice
Every time we're in a rut
This distant grandeur
My tendency to want to do away feels natural and
My urgency to dream of softer places feels understandable
The only way out is through
The faster we're in the better
The only way out is through ultimately
The only way out is through
The only way we'll feel better
The only way out is through ultimately
Every time I'm confused
I think there must be easier ways
Every time our horns are locked I'm towel throwing
Every time we're at a loss, we've bolted from difficulty
Anytime we're in stalemate of final bowing
My tendency to want to hide away feels easier and
The immediacy is picturing another place comforting to go
The only way out is through
The faster we're in the better
The only way out is through ultimately
The only way out is through
The only way we'll feel better
The only way out is through ultimately
We could just walk away and hide our heads in the sand
We could just call it quits, only to start all over again
With somebody else
Every time we're stuck in struggle, I'm down for the count that day
Every time I dream of quick fix I'm assuaged
Now I know it's hard when it's through
And I'm damned if I don't know quick fix way
But formerly mistreat me silence now outdated
My tendency to want to run feels unnatural now
The urgency to want to give to you I don't want most feels good
The only way out is through
The faster we're in the better
The only way out is through ultimately
The only way out is through
The only way we'll feel better
The only way out is through ultimately
The only way out is through
The faster we're in the better
The only way out is through ultimately
The only way out is through
The only way we'll get better
The only way out is through ultimately
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