Week 5, Day 2

Morning Pages: CHECK!

I really don't have anything big to report today. I saw Rabbit Hole, not exactly the most uplifting film I've ever seen, but I wasn't really expecting it to be.

I painted for an hour last night. I'm doing a 4X4 canvas for above my bed in my new room. I'm excited about how it's going to turn out. Just the feel of the brush in my hand felt great, it's been too long. I'll post a picture when I'm finished.

Week 5, Day 1

DISCOVERING a SENSE of PERSONAL TERRITORY!!

FIRST THINGS FIRST

Yesterday, before work I wrote all about wanting to dance; how much I miss it. Last night, I danced. I was working with my buddy behind the bar and we danced back and froth for hours. We were just having fun and being ridiculous. I could feel the heart energy radiating off me, I LOVED IT. We were crazy busy, but that didn't stop us from enjoying the moments. One of our favorite past times while working is to mimic what the go-go boys do on the boxes. Before I knew it, I was juggling grape fruit juice cans and eventually limes. :-) I learned how to juggle for a play my freshman year in High School. You'd be surprised the amount of times I do it just to be silly. I should learn a few tricks, it could actually come in pretty handy at some point. I'm not sure exactly when, but hey, ya never know. The point of all this, we danced. I danced and no one died. Who knew?

The title for chapter 1 of Week 5 is, "SEXUALITY VS. CARE-TAKING"

I MEAN, REALLY? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? The whole chapter is about how when you start to go into a relationship or involved in one, that as an artist you have to make sure that you both are taking care of each other and that you one of you is not spending creative energy on simply taking care of the other person. This pertains to my life in a completely unbelievable way. I can't count the amount of times that I have wasted my own personal energy on someone that was undeserving of it, or simply wanted to suck the energy from me. I can't count the amount of times that I've abandoned myself for the care of someone else. The chapter goes on to talk about the connection between sexuality and creativity. It explains how much having love in your life beings light and creativity to you when it is equal. I've never dated an "artist" of any sort. But, I think I should, maybe we would understand each other better? I have friends that are artists and friends that aren't creative at all and don't understand it. You can probably guess which of these groups I talk to about my thoughts, dreams, and goals.

I'm really excited to see where this chapter is going to come and play into my life.

The next chapter is "Stop Being "Nice," and Be Honest." :-)

Week 4, Day 7

CLOSING UP WEEK 4!

I guess today sort of, kind of, constitutes as a month. January isn't over, but it has been 4 complete weeks. I feel like I've hit some sort of rough patch and it's really been tough on me. I just feel frustrated, but I haven't given up. I know that nothing worth anything is easy to get, so I am just choosing to push on and see what happens. This entire week I've been surprised by what the slightest insecurities have caused me to want to do. From drinking, to smoking, to sex, all of which I didn't do. It wasn't until this week that I realized I do have a lot of things that I cling to in order to stay in a feeling and stance of control. When, all of them really just make me in less control. I know all of my answers can be found out there, I just have to look and eventually I think I'll be happy with what I find.

MORNING PAGES! CHECK.

TASK: ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE

I had to finish the phrase, 10 times, "Secretly, I would love to...."

After listing my ten secrets, I picked one to write about for 15 minutes. I wrote about dancing. I miss dancing. It's been a very long time since I've been out to a club (when I wasn't working) and just danced and had fun. It's been so long that I can't even remember the last time. When I was in high school I had a buddy that I would always go out with on the weekends. For hours we would dance and nothing else in the world seemed to matter. Neither of us had any cares, any unmet needs, nothing. All we heard and felt were the vibrations of the music and our feet floating above the floor. For hours we would thrash around uncontrollably and be teenagers. We were free. I miss dancing like that, when the entire world would seem to just rip apart at the seams.

TASK: Invention vs. Convention

This exercise asks you to have a conversation with yourself between what would be considered the artistic side (the emotional side and so forth) and the logical side.

My conversation actually went really well and I felt like I learned a little bit. A lot of the questions that I might be trying to look for, they already exist in myself. I need to be more open to hearing them and letting them guide me.

TOMORROW- Week 5, Discovering a Sense of Personal Territory.

Week 4, Day 6

Today I've felt an underlying pit of anxiety all day and I'm not sure exactly why. It's starting to get rather annoying and I wish it would just go away. I feel like I need to do something really creative to get it out of my system. I have an idea of a painting floating around in my head. Tomorrow for my "artist's date", I plan to go and buy paints, and get it out of my head. There is a 4 ft by 4 ft canvas dancing in my head.

Morning Pages

CHECK.

Tomorrow has come so quickly this week. I have to finish up two exercises along with the artist's date. I think with this process, simply the morning pages are what has really helped me the most.

The urge to drink has pretty much completely gone away, but when I get stressed out, a cigarette is my first craving. I can almost taste the smoke on my lips and feel it lowering my heart rate. I've never really been a smoker, just when I feel something that I want to go away. Escapes become harder when you latch up all the doors.

Week 4, Day 5

A NEW WAY TO DEAL

For pretty much as long as I can remember, I've always been someone that gets attention from someone else when the person I want attention from isn't giving it to me. Right now it is interesting for me because a lot of times in my past that would be sexual attention. Now, because I am choosing to not have sex, what do I do when I want attention and the person I want it from isn't being very giving? Keep in mind, I'm not talking about in a relationship, I don't run off to someone else the second I don't get what I want when actually dating. Sadly, my usual go to as something to make myself feel better about myself is sex. I think that's safe to say for a lot of people, but it is something I'm aware of that I do. It's also something I'm aware of that I'm trying to change. So, the question comes up now, where do I go now when I need to feel better about myself and I'm not using sex, alcohol, or weed? After a long conversation on the phone with a close friend, he simply pointed out, "why don't you do something for yourself instead of doing something for someone else?" DUH! This is actually something that I learned a long LONG long time ago and it some how escaped me.

GOAL for tomorrow- do something special for myself.

MORNING PAGES - CHECK

Week 4, Day 4

I started working at a new job this week, so my schedule is busier then usual. I'm glad about the new job though, because I want to finally pay off my student loans and any credit card debt I have. It would just be awesome to not even have to think about those two things at all. I'd also like to take a few new auditioning classes and such, so every bit helps.

The sketching is coming along. I've never felt sketching was a strong point for myself, but I sort of enjoy my very "abstract" shots.

MORNING PAGES: CHECK!! At this point, the are just habit, I don't even have to think twice to remember to do them.

I have a lot more I'd like to share, but it is very late and I am very tired. Hopefully tomorrow I'll get to dive in further.

NIGHT

Week 4, Day 3

There is snow falling outside in huge chunks which makes me think that maybe this snow fall some will actually stay around for a while. I do enjoy the snow, mainly being from Michigan and all. But, for Walking in this World, it just means that it is also very cold out and I have to do a solid one hour walk sometime this week.

Morning Pages:

As I remember from the Artist's Way, eventually your morning pages become calmer and more legible. For the last few weeks my pages have been filled with swopping letters and words that barely stay within the lines. This week, everything seems more focused, less rushed, more thought out. As I recall, that same thing happened before. My pages have also seemed to become less negative, which is always nice.

SKETCHING!!!

I'm about to head to Starbucks for coffee, and to sketch out an image. Then off to the gym and training at a new job later. :-)

Week 4, Day 2

Last night I sketched for the first time in a very very long time. Week 4 asks that you sketch everyday with what you see in front of you, anywhere, anytime. I've always wanted to be better at drawing, and this first sketch proves just how much practice I need.

I had a great moment this morning at Starbucks (yes, Starbucks again) the girl behind the counter was humming a tune from a Zelda game and I called her out on it. A huge smile came to her face, which made me smile more.

Morning Pages: CHECK!

Week 4, Day 1

Discovering a Sense of Adventure

Week 4 is all about allowing yourself to play and be a real person. It's about not getting stuck into an idea of what your goal is and how to get there, but being able to play and learn along the way. At some point, I did start taking life maybe too seriously. There has to be some ground between feet running full force on the pavement and a stand still. When did I stop pausing to smell the roses? When did I become so afraid to make mistakes or try something new? Maybe looking at the huge picture at one time isn't the best way to get from one place to the next, and I should just relax and bit and enjoy the ride. My fear with that is that I will lose sight of my goals and get lost. But, aside from that, when did I stop playing and having fun?

Recently I got an Apple TV for Christmas and it plays the photos from your computer in a slide show effect that runs up and down the screen while you listen to music. Most of the photos are from a while ago, but I look like I was having such a great time. Granted, mostly drunk, but still, a great time. I want to have more adventure in my life, and this week, that's exactly what its about. Not being afraid to "fail".

Morning Pages: CHECK!

ON TO WEEK 4 AND FEELING BETTER THEN EVER.

Week 3, Day 7

Last night I did not drink, smoke, or act out sexually, even though I was tempted and wanted to. I was feeling vulnerable, but I choose to deal with the emotions head on and I feel better for it. The last three weeks have been going by so easily, I needed that kick in the butt to keep myself in check. I feel great about how I handled it. I'm curious to find out what the next block in my path is going to be. One foot before the other.

Artist's Date

This week I choose to make my date very relaxing. I finally got to hanging my vision boards. They had still been in California until a few weeks ago and now they are back up on my wall where I will see them every morning, right where they need to be. I added a few things to my wall, notes of encouragement from friends and other pieces that simply make me smile. 2011, I'M READY! My bedroom is finally almost all put together and it feels awesome, it feels like home. I've learned that home is a feeling, not a place. For the one hour of my artist's date, I turned the music from my computer into shuffle and I've ben making myself listen to everything that comes on. It's AWESOME! I've got to enjoy a lot of music that I've forgotten about. I still love music from the 90's with all my heart. My kids will probably hate it; I plan to torture them the way my mom did with her music. :-)

This is the end of week 3, week 4 starts tomorrow. I'm officially 25% complete with my goal!!

Learning Lessons

It's very easy to stick to your guns when the world seems to working with you. When something falls that you're not expecting, that's when it's hard.

Apparently I did much worse on an audition yesterday then I thought I did. Right now, I want to smoke, I want to drink. I want to have sex with someone just to feel better about getting bad feedback. I guess these are the moments I've been waiting for. The ones that actually make me deal with how I'm feeling instead of just using something to cover it up.

Week 3, Day 6

TASK: Make Something of It.

I finally got to my final task of the week, aside from my Artist's Date. This task asks you to pick a subject that may have been resting on your mind for a while and you can't see to find closure to it. I choose a personal relationship that I've had issues with shutting the door on. The instructions then tell you to pick up a pile of magazines and spend 20 minutes ripping out images that remind you of the person, subject, scenario, or whatever you had decided on. I went through 4 magazines and tore everything I saw that peaked my interest, no matter how relevant I thought it might be. Then, you are to spend 20 minutes places the images in order on a poster board, in the order that seems to make the most sense to you. After that, spend 20 minutes writing about what you discovered. I actually very surprised to see the final product. It wasn't something I had expected. I came to the realization that 80 percent of the board was given to the "other person" and a small corner to myself. I found that everything I had seen in this other person were only my own dreams, wishes, and ideas, but NOTHING that person actually brought to the table. I was shocked to see how little I actually saw myself in the situation, everything was about them.

Morning Pages:

CHECK: I started out with a thank you letter and forget what I ended with. I do enjoy writing thank you's though, even if a lot of the time they aren't going to actually be sent out.

Tomorrow will wrap up week 3 and I have my Artist's Date. I have no idea what I'm going to do for it yet.

I've noticed, this week I've felt better then ever. It's been almost exactly 3 weeks full without drinking, smoking and sex. My head just feels so much more focused and clear. I had a few friends over for dinner this week and it was very difficult to not grab a glass of wine and join in. But, I didn't. I do miss red wine though, a lot.

Week 3, Day 5

This afternoon I auditioned for a role as a christian evangelist. I thought it was really coincidental because I haven't auditioned for something like that before and I just so happen to reading the Bible for the first time. It was actually a lot of fun today, and that's really all I can say about it. The world works in mysterious ways.

Task: ANGER!

Today I did the task Anger As Fuel, which asks you to list 1-50 on paper and then start out each line with "I'm angry" and finish the sentence. At first I thought, "50 things to be angry about? That's a lot of anger." After about 15, I was on a roll. I guess I didn't notice all the little things that apparently make me angry. A lot of them are little things that are easily fixable in my life, and some that would be nearly impossible. A lot of them are physical things with myself, or where I am in my life. I think the point of the exercise is to take note and acknowledge these things, then come up with ways around them, or ways to overcome them. I would definitely rather grow above then stay stagnate in front of.

Task: Mapping Your Interest

For each set of questions, you have to give 5 answers. Five Topics that Interest Me, Five People Who Interest Me, Five Art Forms That Interest Me, and Five Projects I Could Try Out Are.

After doing the first three I found myself thinking more out of the box and really allowing myself to come up with some creative ways that I could do some risk taking and try out a few of my interests. What's holding me back from trying a pottery class, reading about Abraham Lincoln, or learning how to sketch better? I can't imagine really that much. What's the worst that could happen? What am I waiting for?

Morning Pages:
CHECK - I wrote all about this awful dream I had last night. I actually woke up around 7 am sweating and almost in tears. I laid in bed and wrote out in detail everything had happened. I want to pick up one of those books about understanding your dreams and see what I can find out. I've been told by a lot of people that once you understand your dreams you can understand a lot more about yourself. Does everything in a dream really have a meaning, or only what you make of it?

Week 3, Day 4

Last night I had to change the lock on my apartment door which took me much longer then I had anticipated. I'm not sure exactly what made me think that I knew exactly what I was doing, but I was slightly wrong. I ended up taking both locks off and not being able to get either back on. Then, having to call a friend and have him come over to stay in the apartment while I went to the hardware store again. I ended up getting all the right pieces this time and everything now fits perfectly. It took me a few tries, but overall, I'm glad with the outcome. I've done something similar to this before and it worked just fine. I enjoy taking things apart and then putting them back together again. I can't help but wonder, maybe that's the process I'm going through right now with myself? Taking myself apart, changing a few pieces, and putting myself back together.

Morning Pages

CHECK - At this point, I don't even have to think about doing the morning pages, they just happen. Sometimes I don't have the most enlightening pages, but they are pages none-the-less. For some reason I was remembering the time that right after my parents got a divorce my mom and her friend bought me a Sega. This was when the Sega was still new and a big deal. I opened the car door outside of WalMart and about had a panic attack. It was the coolest thing I had ever gotten. For the next few days, I was happy with everything in my life and all the drama slipped away of my sisters and mom fighting, my parents fighting, and school. I remember I was in 4th grade at the time and I hated my 4th grade teacher. Now, when video game systems come out, I usually run out and buy them, even if I don't really NEED them, but simply want them. I can't help but wonder, maybe I'm just trying to get that feeling back from when I was a kid? Or, maybe it isn't that deep at all and I just like buying things?

Week 3, Day 3

Bless Your Blessing

This is a task this week that asks you to go for a twenty minute walk and just praise the things around. Give thanks to everything that is going on around you. The clothing you are fortunate enough to have, the sky, the sun, everything. It is essentially about realizing all the great things in the world that you probably don't notice on a day to day basis. The goal of this I'm sure is to really look at the world around you and not always get stuck inside the world you create in your head. Yesterday I did this task and I did find that it raised my general spirit for a while. It was hard to stay focused on giving thanks, but I think I got the idea of the exercise. Perhaps the next time I feel down in the dumps I'll go for a walk and focus on everything I have to be happy about.

Luke

Last night I finished reading Mark and this morning started Luke. It gave some details about the relationship of Jesus and John the Baptist, the connection at birth and the angel Gabriel. I have heard of that specific angel many times, but now I know exactly why. It's very interesting for me to hear about all the ties in together and such. I'm enjoying it more and more the further I go. I think I want to study up on religion, all over the board. The topic is very interesting to me, I really enjoy people having faith, and I'm really trying to figure out exactly where mine fits in. It's always important to believe in yourself, but I think it's pretty important to believe in something outside of yourself too.

Morning Pages:

CHECK

This week I have to make a collage of images that I rip out of magazines while I have focused thought on a topic in my life that I might have questions about. The idea is to then place the images together and see what idea and clarity comes from it. I think I might do this tomorrow, but I have to find magazines somewhere!

Week 3, Day 2

Discovering a Sense of Perspective

Yesterday I was filled with plans and not enough time to blog. The day was awesome and I wouldn't change a thing about it. I ended up out in Long Island at a Golden Globes party with a group of great friends.

Week 3 is all about learning how to look at the world. I've heard it said a million times that all you have to do is change how you se things. Everything is real, but it's the angle you use to see them. I know that my day runs smoother when I'm in a better mood and I'm much more forgiving and easier to be around. How easily can you change the way you see the world on a day to day basis? I'm starting to learn that making a long term change really entails simply making the best choices possible over and over again. Nothing longterm is ever overnight and most things are worth working for.

This chapter of the book so far has been about starting to discard the labels you place around yourself and to use your energy to create instead of getting frustrated and irritable. There have been many times in my life where I feel artistically crippled and I remember lashing out at people for reasons that didn't really matter. I would decide that someone or something in my life was making me unhappy and ignore that really it had been that I wasn't expressing myself. Sometimes being creative and allowing yourself to try new things is difficult and scary. What would someone say if they saw? What if it does't look "right"? What if I'm horrible at it? All valid feelings, but what are those unknowns stopping me from doing? Probably a lot more then I realize.

I'm Now Friends With Someone Who Barks

My building in midtown has been known to have a few less-then-centered people that live in here. I'm not including myself in that statement, but I'll understand if you chuckle just the same. There is actually a sort of halfway house across the street and a lot of the people that leave that building move into the surrounding ones so they are still near by. There is one woman who lives in my building that is constantly sitting on the front steps and whenever someone walks by, she growls. Not necessarily a threatening growl, but one none-the-less. I've never seen her bite anyone, but every one of my friends that has come over has noticed. Sometimes I walk past her on the street, or see her at the Starbucks on the corner, and we've never spoken. Until, of course, now, because I'm not wearing headphones. And, well, it's rude to look directly at someone time and time again and not say hi. Now, I can't hide behind my phone, or act like I don't see/hear her because of my music. The first time I smiled and said "Hello", it took her a moment to respond and now, every time I see her, we say hello. She asked me if I had a dog the other day. For no reason I guess. I said, "No, but I really want one. I love dogs." She said I shouldn't get one, that they are horrible. I told her to have a good afternoon and retreated to my apartment. Why does she hate dogs? And furthermore, why does she growl like one if she hates them? I'm curious if maybe she was attacked by one at some point and her growling is her way to protect herself? It certainly keeps people from talking to her, looking at her, and trying to get to know her. Well, most people.

Morning Pages:
CHECK - They've been getting harder because drama is usually easier to write about and right now, I just don't feel like I have that much going on in my life to cause me stress. But, I'm thankful for that, so I'm okay with my morning pages maybe being a little boring.

Week 3 starts today! It's all about art being therapeutic and not therapy. I've had a couple really great insights yesterday and I can't wait to share them. Either tonight or tomorrow morning!

Today is a crazy day or running around, but I'm looking forward to all the surprises.

T

Week 2, Day 7

As week 2 comes to a close, I am noticing somewhat of an energy inside myself that I can control better. It has to do with the feeling out the space around myself. If I concentrate, I feel like I'm allowing myself to grow larger and fill more space. I feel more open, and more in tune with my body and the world. I do believe in energy and being able to control what positive and negative energy you put out. It's been an interesting week.

Morning Pages:

CHECK.

Artist's Date:

This week for my artists date I decided to go looking for white candles for the fireplace in my new room. I would like to fill the space with all sorts of shape and sizes of white candles. It isn't a working fireplace, so an actual fire is out of the question, but flames are okay. Unfortunately, I didn't really find any that I love. Who would think that white candles could be specific? Along my way, I ended up stoping off at the Time Warner Center next to Central Park to possibly pick up a new book. There happens to be a Dali exhibit going on, so I checked it out. I've been a fan of his work for a long time and I hadn't expected to see his bronzed masterpieces in such a space. It's sometimes weird to see art outside of artistic places. To see a piece of work that is so creative and beautiful just thrown out into the hustle and bustle of the world. People casually walked around the pieces as if they were nothing and the people that stopped to read about the pieces were in the minority. Usually "art" is set up in an area around other art, where people are quiet and looking to be moved. But, for art to be the stillness in a crowded busy space, it was almost as if the bronzed statues were watching the people. They were no longer the art, but watching the world as a moving painting. Sometimes I feel like an observer; I love watching people, do anything really. I wonder how it would feel to be standing silently, on display, watching people watch you. In truth, maybe that is exactly what we all are.

Inspirational

Mark 11:24 Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. [25] And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.

Week 2, Day 6

Yesterday was filled with me running all over town and hanging with friends that I needed to catch up with, so I was unable to update from my computer.

Something that I've struggled with for as long as I can remember are the clear boundaries that all relationships must have. It doesn't matter if it is a friendship, dating, or another, there are always boundaries that have to be decided on unconsciously and then vocalized if necessary. I've had it happen multiple times were the boundaries are not clear and then someones feelings get hurt and so forth, so from this point on, I'm choosing to make all my boundaries clear and respect other peoples better. It seems like such a common idea, of course every relationship has places it goes and doesn't go, but when the lines get smudged, it gets messy fast.

This morning I finished the last task for week 2, Shape Shifting. This is a 10 question, fill in the blank, assignment. The goal of the exercise is to lead you into admitting areas of your life that you've always had interest in, but never took the time you seek out and explore. After filling in the questions you have to write to your "inner artist" for 15 minutes in the form of a letter. My letter consisted of apologies for ignoring myself, some of my wants and dreams. I made promises to listen to myself more and to explore areas of my life that i've always been interested in, but for one reason or another choose not to check out. There is a pottery class around the corner of my apartment that I've been meaning to check out, so now would be the best time to do it. :-) One of my sisters is great on "the wheel" and I've often been curious about working with clay. It seems like it could be very soothing, and anything that I can relax my mind to sounds like a good time to me.

Morning Pages:
CHECK!

Tomorrow I have to go on my artist's date. I don't know what I'm planning for myself yet, but it's going to be fun.

Week 2, Day 5

I'm updating from my phone as today is a crazy day. I'll give more details later. :-)

Morning Pages: Check.

I also did my 20 question wish list which then asks you to pick one step for each that moves you closer to making your wish come true!

Week 2, Day 4

Identify Your Identity Walk

Yesterday I mentioned about the 1 hours artists walk that was part of the task of uncovering places of encouragement as a child and how it effects you today. How people have told you who you are and just exactly how big you are allowed to be. Today I took my walk with the focus of my thinking shifted to my childhood and things I loved to do. As a small child I played the sports that my parents signed me up for because I was supposed to. I actually had no choice in the matter. In fact, I hated the competition aspect of the games. My older sisters were involved much more in athletics then I was, but after each game they would spend hours picking apart each player, the things they did and what my sisters could have done better. Many times these conversations would end in anger, frustration, and tears. The outcome of playing the games never really seemed that worth it to me. When I was finally old enough to play little league, I enjoyed it enough to want to join the older team. Which, in turn, took all the fun out of the game. The competitiveness was overwhelming and simply left me not wanting to try. I had no friends on the team and more often then not would end up sitting in the outfield during the innings. No one ever hit the ball to the outfield, so I was fine. I'd usually bat once a game and more often then not, strike out. I was never encouraged by my coach or any of the teams players to do better and I honestly didn't care. My parents had started going through their divorce and there were other things on my mind. Catching a ball or hitting one with a bat seemed much less important then the constant arguing that was exploding between every member of my family.

It wasn't until middle school that I realized I had a talent in the art department. We had a new art teacher that would encourage us to work on our own projects and allow us to create for the sake of creating. I remember the principle of my school asking if he could have a painting I'd done of an indian, and to this day as far as I know, it is still hanging in his living room. Towards the end of my 7th grade years, we had a program called middle school connections and I remember not really telling my family about it until the night of. I assumed that because it wasn't sports, my father would have no interest. To my surprise, he was angry that I hadn't shared it with him and ended up coming that night.

In high school I joined the drama club and took drama class. My parents would come to the shows, but I always felt that my father would only come because he felt he had to. My mother would come, but I don't remember her ever really saying anything good or bad about the shows. It was after her brain surgery and I think it was hard for her to sit through an hour and a half show. I remember my father always congratulating me and taping the shows. I never watched them, but I imagine that if I was to now, they would be rather funny.

Now, living in NYC, I did my first black box theater show a few months ago and my father and step-mom came to visit me in NYC and see the show. Afterwards my father congratulated me again and went on to tell me not to ever let go of my dreams. He told me that no one is ever better then me and not to think that way. He told me never to stop doing what I love and reminded me that it just takes one person to believe in you and give you a chance. It wasn't until this that I realized that my father didn't care of I played sports, or if I acted, he cared that I did something I enjoyed. He pushed for the sports to hard because it was something that he loved, and thought he could share that joy with me, his son. I wonder how different some things would have been for me if I'd listened to his support in high school. I wonder if it would have changed anything at all? I always took my fathers support with a grain of salt, and I should have allowed it to have more value.

Yes, all of this came into clear view during my walk today.

Morning Pages:

Check. I wrote another letter to God. It was filled with my dreams and goals. Hey, if you don't ask, how can you expect to receive?

Tomorrow I have to talk a small walk to think about my real goals and what steps I can take to make them a reality. Life is all about one step at a time, so maybe tomorrow I'll take another one in the right direction. Or, figure out a way to take more then one at a time and make my dreams a reality faster then I thought I could.

Week 2, Day 3

Task: Identify Your Identity

Through a series of questions this task explores the ideas of who you wanted to be a child. Who supported your dreams and who kept you in line with what they perceived you to be. The questions are set up so that you only have to fill in the blanks and have some sort of resolution. After filling in the blanks, you are supposed to take yourself on a 1 hour artists date/walk and allow any emotions that have come up during the exercise to be explored. I did the exercise, but I haven't gone for the walk yet. To be honest, no big emotions came bubbling to the surface, but I'm still willing to walk with it and see if anything comes up later on.

Morning Pages:

Did em. I didn't have any crazy dreams last night and I kind of stumbled through the pages. No big insights today. But hey, I guess that's ok with me. The day isn't over yet, so there is still time.

Time to walk.

Week 2, Day 2

This morning I finished the book of Matthew. I hadn't realized that the entire birth, life, death and resurrection of Jesus took place in one book. For some reason I figured that it had been more spread out, longer. Perhaps in the following books more is explored. I am actually finding my self more interested then I thought I would be. I love how in the preforming of the miracles Jesus would always tell the person who he preformed the miracle on to not tell people, and of course they would run and the word would spread. It is interesting for me to find out the meanings behind the rituals that I was exposed to as a kid. Until this morning I didn't realize why it was that we really did communion. I knew the meaning behind it was that you are taking the body and blood of the savior, but I hadn't realized that it comes from the last supper with his disciples. I also didn't realize that it was one of his disciples that sold him out, for a few pieces of silver none-the-less. I always remembered the story of one of them denying that they knew Jesus three times before the rooster crows, but I guess I thought that was the same disciple that sold him out, and it wasn't. There are a ton of stories that I learned in Sunday school and they all seemed like such huge big stories and then in the actual context of the Bible, they are such small pieces, some only a quarter of a page. Tomorrow I will start on the book of Mark.

Morning Pages

Today I again found myself writing about the dream I had the night before. In this dream, it was also a family dinner, I'm sensing a theme. This time my mom got upset and left the table, throwing me in the situation of picking either her or the family. One or the other. It reminds me of the time I found myself sitting on my mothers bed at the age of 12 and her asking me who I wanted to live with. My father and her had been going through a nasty divorce for over two years at this point. I guess it comes down sometimes you just saying, "Who do you want to live with?" She was sitting on her bed, in the middle of what used to be our family room. She had taken it over after my father left because she wanted a larger room. The calendar sat in between us, a marker in her hand like the barrel of a gun about to determine my entire future. Before I know it, circles and x's were drawn. I'd be here one day and there the next. It was as if my life was being planned for me, day by day. For the rest of the day I was happy because my sisters seemed to be happy with the half and half plan too. I had no idea at the time that I had just signed myself up for living out of a suitcase for the next 8 years of my life. Sometimes when I have such vivid dreams, I wake up in a frenzy, screaming on the inside and fighting on the outside. It takes me a moment to realize that I'm not standing in that dream, facing my mom, being forced to make a choice, again. I don't blame my mom, at least someone had finally asked me what I wanted.

Thomas, what do you want?

I just had a rather delightful conversation with my barista at Starbucks. Why, you ask? Because I wasn't pumping my head with music. I was allowing myself to interact with the real world around me. With that said, I just walked two blocks with my face plastered to my phone while I typed this.

Week 2, Day 1

Week 2 is all about personal proportion. The idea behind this week is to break down the walls that you've placed around yourself that keeps you blocked from achieving the goals you have. The chapter explains that most of these walls are actually created by other people, but we still keep them firmly planted. It uses the examples of people saying things to you as a child like, "you're getting to big for your britches" and "just who do you think you are?" Both of these are in turn, telling you that you're only allowed to be one size and you have to fit into the box that the person is telling you to. It isn't an uncommon response to think, "I don't know who I am." But, what's also going on is you're saying, if you say I am this size, or I am this one thing, then I must be. In the chapter it also goes into detail about the responses that people usually receive when someone asks them what they do and their response is, "I am an artists." Substitute "artist" for actor, writer, painting, dancer, etc. The usual response is not one of confidence telling you that is great. As someone that is working towards a career in the arts, it is always discouraging to have someone not believe in you.

This week begs the questions of, "who believes in me that is around me", "how big do I see myself", and "who do I allow to keep me in a bubble?" This week is about breaking down the walls and allowing yourself to be whatever size you want to be and really try to find spaces of yourself that you aren't familiar with.

Time to work.

Morning Pages

Very hard this morning. It is Sunday morning and I just worked the last two night. I am exhausted and I really want to get to the gym. But, I made a commitment and I am sticking to it. Why I decided that the perfect first day to begin a new week every week is a Sunday is far beyond me. Sunday mornings are my laziest of all. I almost fell asleep writing my morning pages.

Army of one Thomas, you are an army or one. For now.

Week 1, Day 7

Walking down the street the other day I came across this. I enjoyed it, so I took a picture.

Week 1 Artist's Date.

All week long I've been cleaning up my apartment, painting, hanging photos and really trying to make this apartment my own. Everyday I've been doing something artistic, so for my artist's date, I decided to take a break from it and allow myself to relax. I went to see Little Fockers, by myself. Going to a movie by myself doesn't bother me in the least, neither does going to a nice restaurant. Doing activities alone just doesn't bother me and isn't a struggle. For a lot of people I can see how it could be really intimidating, but I enjoy it. I got the largest popcorn they had (as I ALWAYS do) and sat down at the AMC on 42nd street. I choose Little Fockers because I enjoyed the first two "Focker" movies so much and I needed a good laugh. Sadly, the movie wasn't as great as I expected. I only laughed out loud once. Still, I enjoyed the break from all the work I've been doing and felt refreshed and ready to go again after.

Task: Do Nothing.

The last task to accomplish this week was the task of "Do Nothing". The instructions said to put on soft music, lay back and for 15 minutes allow yourself to do nothing and let your mind wander. I picked out a few songs from my iTunes, laid back, and tried to clear my mind from the list of things I wanted to accomplish today. Before I knew it, my mind was creating flying colors and mists that collided and danced to the mellow songs I had picked. I very much enjoy modern piano music, but, does anyone know of anyone that records without vocals? I found that in my trance I was taken out of it by the vocals of songs, but drawn in my the beats and rhythms. If this is a task that I have to do next week, I hope to find music that really allows me to crawl out of my skin and go for a ride. Afterwords, I did feel a sort of centeredness, but not as deep as after a yoga class or a meditation. But, I found the creativeness of the "doing nothing" to be far more then that of a yoga class or meditation.

Morning Pages.

I had a very weird dream last night about being at a family function, thanksgiving, christmas, something along those lines. My father wanted to leave and go to Jay's Sporting Goods, a large hunting/athletic store in Clare, MI, and this angered my mom. Here is the twist, the large family was definitely that of my mom's, but the role of my mom was played by my step-mom. Then I noticed part of the family eating was my step-moms. Oh, also, this dinner was more of a picnic and in a park. Tori Amos was preforming too, I mentioned this was a very weird dream, so just roll with it. An entire cart of desserts was rolled out, and I picked a cheesecake jello dessert with vanilla ice cream. Cheesecake and jello? I have no idea where I got that from. In the dream is was delicious but, I can't imagine in real life it would be wroth the fat content. Eventually, Tori stopped playing and was doing a signing. She was kind of a bitch to me, and I don't know why. I've actually met her at a CD signing before and she was delightful, so I have no idea why I'd see her a different way now. Then, I woke up. Why is this relevant you ask? I wasn't sure that it was until I started writing about the dream in my morning pages. When I was a child, and my parents were still married there was a year that my father decided he didn't want to go to my mom's parents house for the holidays anymore. He asked up before how we felt about it and then my sisters and I all brought it up to my mom with my dad. My father has never gotten along with her father, and as a kid I was very shy. I hated being around the large family and I was constantly uncomfortable, always feeling like an outsider looking in. I'm guessing that I was approximately 8 at the time. I remember how upset my mom got when we talked about not wanting to go. Only now can I look at it from her point of view and think about how much that must have hurt her feelings to hear her husband and kids say they didn't want to go to her parents for the holidays anymore. She probably felt ganged up upon and attacked. I think I would have cried too.

I'm not sure exactly where all this falls into place within this journey, but I'm documenting it now and perhaps it will become more relevant and valid later on. Only time can tell.

Week 1 Wrap-up.

This is it. 7 days, 1 week. I haven't drank, smoked or had sex. What's sort of funny is that this morning I woke up and almost felt hungover, even though I haven't drank. Usually a sat morning is greeted with a bit of a hangover. Although I didn't drink last night, it was like my body and mind remembered. How quickly things can become patterns, and know it's time to see how quickly a pattern can be broken.

1 week walking, 11 more to go.

Week 1, Day 6

Through some magical luck, I missed the first two big snow falls in NYC this year. Today, it looks like I may be out of luck. I don't know how much snow we are supposed to get together, but it looks like a good amount from my living room window. I guess it's about time though, I can only hide from it for so long. Snow in NYC is always beautiful, for the first ten minutes. Quickly, the snow melts and starts to fill the streets and gutters, making it impossible to walk a block without stepping into a freezing puddle. This year I sucked it up and bought ugly snow boots, even though I'm sure they look dorky as Hell.

Slowly, as I've become more of an adult, I've noticed myself doing more practical things, simply because they make sense. Ugly snow boots as one, but also thinking things about possibly getting hurt and how would someone else feels. When in Michigan this past Christmas I decided that I wanted to try snowboarding, I've skied for years, but never been on a snowboard. I talked my brother-in-law to go with me and on the first time down the hill we both probably fell more times either of us thought humanly possible. By the time I reached the bottom of the hill, all I think I was, "I don't have health insurance". I continued to snowboard anyways, I'm not one to usually give in. By the end of the day I had gotten much better and even made it down the hill without falling. At one point though, I did run into a girl and knock her off of her skies... it was rather awkward.

Morning Pages

Yup- did 'em. I wrote a letter to God. I'm not sure why, but for me it just feels more real to write something down then it does to just think/pray it. I'm not really sure what the difference between actual prayer and thinking something out to God is. Maybe it is one in the same? But, I enjoy writing, and I doubt he minds a letter. Everyone enjoys to get mail, right?

I have today and tomorrow to get my artist's date in and my final task: DO NOTHING. I am supposed to put on some light music, sit back and DO NOTHING for 15 minutes, allow my head to get lost and go wherever it would like to go. Simple enough.

This song came on my iPhone yesterday, and it's been a long time. So, enjoy.



the butter melts out of habit
the toast isn't even warm
the waitress and the man in the plaid shirt
play out a scene they've played
so many times before
I am watching the sun stumble home in the morning
from a bar on the east side of town
and the coffee is just water dressed in brown
beautiful but boring
he visited me yesterday
he noticed my fingers
and asked me if I would play
I didn't really care a lot
but I couldn't think of a reason why not
I said if you don't come any closer I don't mind if you stay
my thighs have been involved in many accidents
and now I can't get insured
and I don't need to be lured by you
my cunt is built like a wound that won't heal
and now you don't have to ask
because you know how I feel
you know how I feel

art is why I get up in the morning
but my definition ends there
and it doesn't seem fair
that I'm living for something I can't even define
there you are right there
in the meantime

I don't want to play for you anymore
show me what you can do
tell me what are you here for
I want my old friends
I want my old face
I want my old mind
fuck this time and place

the butter melts out of habit
you know, the toast isn't even warm

Week 1, Day 5

Morning Pages

This morning I woke up in a great mood and ready to really dive in and start the day. That quickly faded when I started doing my morning pages. For whatever reason I started to rant, then started to talk about a horrible dream I had last night. Before I knew it, I was ripping myself apart. In the book, Julia explains that this happens a lot, and to just continue working. She says that usually the morning pages in the beginning consist of a lot of complaining and worrying. I guess that's exactly what happened. I feel better having gotten the dream out of my head and onto paper but the residing emotion still sits there.

Walking

Yesterday, I did my first planned walking. The "task" says that you should plan to walk at least 20 minutes and until your mind starts to unwind. I ended up walking for closer to an hour and really tried to work a couple issues out in my head. I don't know if it worked as well as I had hoped. But, like I've said before, walking and thinking isn't something new to me because I live in NYC. I probably walk everyday for an hour without even trying. I already spend a lot of time thinking, just now without music. Something that might work better for me is to every week pick a part of the city that I haven't been to in a while and walk there. That way I'd be opening up myself more to new ideas and imagination. I hardly ever go over to the East side, so maybe that's a good place to start?

Artists Date

I haven't "officially" done my artists date, but yesterday I spent 3 hours painting my new bedroom. That is artistic, but messy, and I don't love it. I've been so busy all week, but what I'd really like to do is go to a movie. I haven't been to the movies in a few weeks and it is killing me. I love going to the movies. So, I think either late tonight or tomorrow afternoon I'm going to take myself to the movies. Little Fockers looks great, and I'd love to just sit and laugh for a while. I need to unwind.

Week 1, Day 4

Morning Pages

Today my morning pages consisted of all my thoughts about when I stopped believing in God and how that happened. I had plans today of writing out this long personal essay explaining it all, but right now I just don't feel the urge to get it out. I feel guilty for not wanting to share it at this moment, but I also feel responsible to gather all my thoughts before presenting them.

As I've been diving into the book of Matthew I'm actually finding it more enjoyable then I had thought I originally would. Some of it seems a little repetitive, but maybe that just means certain things are more important. Is there a Cliff's Notes version?

Cooking

Last night I decided to go ahead and create a dish that I hadn't cooked before. I found recipe in a book I got for Christmas from my mom for stuffed chicken. I mixed red apple chucks, red onion, cinnamon, mushrooms, bread crumbs, and egg whites. Flattened the chicken breast, stuffed the mix in and then sautéed them on the stove with 1/4 cup white wine and 1/4 water. I didn't drink the wine, just cooked the chicken in it, which the alcohol boils off. I'm ok with that. It did actually feel like a pretty creative dish, I don't know about artistic really, but creative none the less. AND, it turned out to be delicious.

Today I am planning my 20 minute focused walk for myself. As much as I already walk all the time and have been doing it without music, I'm curious to see what things might pop up in my head today. I'll, of course, let you know.

Week 1, Day 3

No Fucking the Fuck Buddy.

There is someone in my life that I dated very briefly a few years ago and part of the reason is because the sex was always so great. Great, is an understatement. But, there really hasn't ever been anything emotional there and the amount time spent was chatting was sadly almost always limited to hello and good-bye. Don't get me wrong, I knew many more things about the person, but the deep inner thoughts and such, not so much. Maybe afterwards we'd chat for a little bit about this or that, but sex was always the priority when we would hang out. This has been going on sporadically for 3 years. I always have safe sex, and I've actually never cheated in a relationship, although, "FB" hasn't always been single. Why do I think that some how I am not the guilty party because I'm not the one in a relationship? I do have to take some responsibility, right? Anyways, now, "FB" is single, and I am abstinent. "FB" also doesn't drink, in general really, and just lives around the corner. The other night, I invited "FB" over for dinner, just to hang out because "FB" has been going through a break up and needed to chat. We actually had a great time, and then last night, we did the same. "FB" kept my company while I cleaned my kitchen and bathroom, which embarrassingly needed it worse then I'd like to admit. We chatted for hours, probably more then we have ever talked in the entire time we've known each other. There was no fucking the fuck buddy, and because the focus wasn't sex, I have found so many new layers to the person and the possibility of a great friendship, which could be better then just great sex. It makes me wonder who else in my life have I not allowed myself to really get to know or have emotions for because my focus became sex and not the connection between two people?

No Music Meant I Had To Stop

There I was yesterday, strolling down the street in my gym clothes, headed to the bank, starbucks in my hand, and no music to avert my attention. That's when it happened. Running into a dreaded ex. Not just any ex, but an ex in which the last conversation you has included screaming, and saying things that you would later say you didn't mean, but know that you totally meant them and still probably do. The EX stops, looks directly at me, "Shit," I think,"ummm, grab your phone, turn up the music. FUCK! You're not playing any music, don't dive into your phone. What's wrong with you? Oh God, don't trip. Do you remember how to walk? Right foot, left foot, right foot, left foot. Oh God, The EX is smiling, there is going to be chatting. Be nice. BE NICE YOU LITTLE ASSHOLE!"

"Hey!" The EX exclaims with a smile.

"Hey, how are you? Happy New Year. What'd you do, work? I worked, it was ok." No, really, it all came out like that. I'm very smooth.

The EX laughs. "It was good". Blah blah blah, boring boring boring.

CUT TO END OF CONVERSATION (30 seconds later but seemed like an eternity).

AWKWARD SILENCE

"I was going to e-mail you the other day because I was thinking about you, but I didn't know if you were mad at me." The EX.

SILENCE

The EX just stares at me. "Are you mad at me?"

"Oh, no, I'm not mad at you... anymore."

SILENCE

"Yeah, I'm not mad at you anymore."

Then I ditched and went to the bank. I'm not sure how well all that came off in what I just typed out, but the point is, it wasn't awful and today I don't feel so much resentment when I think of that person. And, I would have avoided that interaction if I had been listening to music. Instead, I allowed myself to walk in the world and I let the world do what it wanted with me. This situation also makes me wonder if there is anyone that sees me on the street and dives into their cellphones or music and tried to block me out? How many times have I purposely been ignored? And what am I so afraid of that I feel the need to do it too? Yes, NYC is abrasive and sometimes you want your own space, it can be tough, but I don't think those are the reasons I choose to disconnect. I think I do it for self protection, but protection from what?

MORNING PAGES

I did em, they were good. Kind of boring for me today because I was so exited to get on here and share those two experiences. Without the morning pages though, I'm not sure if I would have felt the need to share them. They sort of cleared it all up in my head for me and got me thinking.

BIBLE

The quote from yesterday that I wanted to address was Matthew 6:34 "Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." The verses leading up to this talk about how God always has food for the birds and are humans not more important then the birds, and not to worry about clothing because clothing is something of man, and not of God. Basically it says to focus on God and the kingdom of God and everything else will be taken care of. As much as I find a certain level of peace in this, I don't know what amount of belief or praying to God the starving families and children of Africa would have to do to get God to give them food. I realize that is a drastic and dramatic statement to make, but aren't they more important then the birds too?

Week 1, Day 2

Week 1, Day 2

Morning Pages

After indulging in a long game of Super Mario Galaxy 2 and catching up on reading The Moonlite Earth by Christopher Rice, I found myself laying in bed at 2am. I still couldn't sleep, so I started to watch an episode of The Middle on my iphone in bed. Finally passing out, I woke up at 7am. I very rarely have trouble sleeping, but I just haven't been able to get my mind to flip off for the last few days when I go to sleep. After 30 minutes of laying in bed trying, I finally decided that maybe I should just do my morning pages now and write about whatever it was that was sitting on the top of my brain.

BINGO- 20 minutes later and I'm passed out cold. I didn't open my eyes again until 10am. My usual technique for trying to fall asleep has been clearing my head and taking deep breaths to calm my body and head. But, this worked so much better and when I did open my eyes again I had a fresh new look at the world.

Tasks

What the Hell, You Might As Well

- This task asks that you make a list of 20 things that you could do that are artistic and simple. The point being to make a list of other simple projects you could do instead of being stuck on one that you can't seem to stay on board with. Essentially, if you get blocked, then do something fun and easy that is artistic too.

My list included such gems as-
- Turn the spare bedroom (my roommate just moved out, so I have a spare for a month) into Camp Crystal Lake and invite friends over for a "camp out". Tell ghost stories and eat s'mores. Sound like little kid shit and stupid? Go fuck yourself, you probably weren't invited anyways.
- Paint new bedroom. I'm thinking I might paint the wall behind my bed bright red.
- Cook something new that you have never made before.

Those are just a few of them, but probably the most fun.

Express Yourself

- This task asked you to write down adjectives to describe yourself and then put them into the form of a personal about yourself. The exercise urges you to use whatever adjectives come to mind. If 'intense' comes to mind, use it. Stop looking at the aspects of yourself that you think might be seen as negative and accept them. Some people enjoy 'intense'.

Bible

Last night I started reading the New Testament. Namely, the book of Matthew. It was brought to my attention that when starting to read the Bible for essentially the first time, it is great to start at the New Testament and then head to the Old Testament. Something I didn't realize was that the New Testament literally starts at the birth of Jesus. Then his father takes him away from where he is born because someone is trying to kill him and BANG, he is an adult. Granted, I am only part way through the book of Matthew, but how did Jesus learn he was the "son of God"? Perhaps this will be answered later on. It also strikes me as odd that I went to church every single sunday until I was 16 and I have no freaking clue about any of this.

Anyways, there is one thing that I'd like to share. AND NOW MY KINDLE ISN'T TURNING ON, SO I CAN'T SHARE THE VERSE WITH YOU! I'll fill you in next time. It was about anxiety and not worrying and blah blah blah. Either way, I really liked it and now I can't share it and that is giving me anxiety. HAHA.

So, umm, yeah. That's been my day two so far. Damn it.

"You've got to make a choice,
If the music drowns you out.
And raise your voice,
Every single time they try and shut your mouth."
-My Chemical Romance 'Sing'

"mobile"

Day 1

Week 1, Day 1

Yesterday I walked to and from the gym without my headphones on or my face in my cellphone. I ran into someone on the street that I've had a mild back burner crush on for a while and we said hello, instead of just a gentle wave to acknowledge that you knew the other one existed. We then shared a moment of rolling out eyes at the tourists together on the street that were all crowded around a NYC tour bus. At the Food Emporium on 49th street and 8th avenue, as I checking out, the clerk started to tell me the difference between a sweet potato and a yam. She actually started, and then realized that she didn't know. I told her that I planned to cut the sweet potato up into chunks, oil them, salt and pepper, then cook in the oven. "Wow, that sounds great, I haven't done that before," she exclaimed.

Two simple moments that actually made my entire day a little more special and both would have been completely ignored had I been blasting my own soundtrack into my ears. At this moment, I am sitting silently in my living room and the window is open to the chilling winter air. (We can't control the heat in my apt building, so this is really the only way to not burn up alive). The snow has been melting for days from the snow storm right after Christmas and is almost gone. There is constant dripping from the roof and all over the streets outside. From my open window, it sounds like the slow rhythmic rain of a warm afternoon. A plane flies over head and there is clock ticking on the wall to my left. Basically, its a fucking Bjork cd in my apartment and it's really soothing right now.

Morning Pages

This morning I found myself writing something about "everything happens for a reason". And, it does, right? It then dawned on me that, "Does everything happen for a reason, or am I just lying to myself to avoid taking responsibility?" I don't know if this really pertains to one area of my life right now, or if it is just an overall statement. I would have to read what else I wrote around that in my morning pages, and I'm not allowed to go back and do that until sometime in the future.

No, No, No

Last night I didn't drink while I was working and I actually had a great time. I did a 25 minute meditation a couple hours before work and it really just lightened me up and completely changed my outlook for the night. I don't think I always listen to my mind or my body as much as I should. Work flew by with my dancing around behind the bar, being pleasant to the customers, and basically just having a good time. Because I didn't drink, I didn't smoke, although part way through the night when I would have normally went out to have a cigarette, I did want one. I wanted to step outside into the night air, away from the blasting music and the screaming crowd. I wanted to have my alone time for a few moments. It didn't last to long, and eventually the night was over. Sex. I can't stop thinking about it, and it isn't as if I would have even gotten laid yesterday, but simply knowing that I'm not allowing myself to have sex right now makes me think about it even more then usual. Exactly how much porn is on the internet these days? I'll let you know when I have a full count.

TEXT UPDATES!

Blogspot has this great thing now where I can text in updates, so I might take part in that. Instead of having to remember everything until the next time I write, I can just do it from my phone. But, will that take me away from whatever the next moment is if it should happen right in front of my face?

Moratorium - I listened to this yesterday and it instantly made me feel more understood and at least that I am in a boat that someone else has sailed before.

"Moratorium" -Alanis Morissette



I've never been this accountable-less and within
I've never known focuslessness on any form
I've never had this lack of ache for dalliance
To let go and let god in ways I have never even imagined

I declare a moratorium on things relationship
I declare a respite from the toils of liaison
I do need a breather from the flavors of entanglement
I declare a full time out from all things commitment

I've never let my grasp soften fingers like this
I've never been careless otherless like autonomy's twin

I declare a moratorium on things relationship
I declare a respite from the toils of liaison
I do need a breather from the flavors of entanglement
I declare a full time out from all things commitment

Ah to breathe
Stop looking outside
stop searching in corners of rooms
Not my business or timing
Ahhh

I've never known freedom from intertwining
I start again this time for keeps in my skin I'm residing

I declare a moratorium on things relationship
I declare a respite from the toils of liaison
I do need a breather from the flavors of entanglement
I declare a full time out from all things commitment

I declare a moratorium on things relationship
I declare a respite from the toils of liaison
I do need a breather from the flavors of entanglement
I declare a full time out from all things commitment

Learning How To Walk

One Before The Other

Approximately a year ago I embarked on The Artist's Way, a 12-week course to creative and spiritual enlightenment. The book completely changed my life in a lot of ways, but over time I have started to fall into the same habits that I had before. I stopped doing the work once I started to see the results that I had been working towards. It is clear to me now that you can't expect to see the same results if you don't continue to put in the same effort. Instead of starting again with the Artist's Way again I am choosing to move on to the second 12-week course by Julia Cameron, Walking in This World. Many of the elements are the same, but the tasks each week are different. I did complete the 12- week Artist's Way and one of the ways that I stayed on track was to blog about my experience daily. I did this until almost the tenth week and then I stopped blogging. I forget exactly why, but I stopped wanting to share my experience with others. Perhaps the blogging added onto the already some what time consuming tasks also had to do with it. The blog is still up at http://2artistsway.blogspot.com.

The Next 12-Weeks

Goals - No Drinking, No Smoking, No SEX
- For the next 12 weeks I have decided to give up alcohol, smoking (pot and cigarettes), and sex. In all honesty, I haven't smoked pot in probably 6 months. Not because I've been trying not to, but just because I haven't. Cigarettes I only smoke when I drink, and since drinking is out of the equation, that should be simple too. The not drinking part might be tricky, especially since I bartend. You'd be surprised the difference a couple shots make when you are dealing with ridiculously drunk people all night long.I have gone for 6 months before without drinking, so I know I can do it. The no drinking is because I want to stay focused and get my life in the place that I want it to be in. I hate being hungover and it actually effects me more emotionally then anything else. I've been known to watch trashy talk shows when I'm hungover and, in those times, throw things at the TV because I get emotional over whatever made up story Montel is broadcasting. (I don't know if they are actually made up, but I'm guessing). Sex. No sex for at least 12-weeks. This is going to be the hardest of all of the challenges for me. I'm not trying to cut out masturbation (I'm not crazy), but the act of actually having sex with someone else is out of the question. Why you ask? Because, it has come to my attention that I have sex for 'the wrong reasons'. When I was 15 I remember thinking that I only wanted to have sex with one person my entire life. When I was almost 16 I had sex for the first time. At the time I thought that at least I loved the person, so it was OK. After that I decided that I'd only sleep with someone I was in love with. That lasted until I was 21. Now, it's hard for me to think of the last time I had sex with someone for the first time because I was genuinely attracted to their spirit. This isn't to say that I haven't cared about the people I've slept with, or that those feelings didn't develop later, but they weren't there in the beginning. When did I start thinking that I wasn't worth waiting for? Over the last couple years, I've dated people that are much older then me, in relationships, and people that I didn't give a shit about. I think that I use sex to lie to myself that someone cares about me when they don't. I have slept with people that are emotionally unavailable or have no interest in a relationship. I have also slept with amazing people that I think I've had a possible real future with, only to lose interest at the drop of a hat and have no idea why. The loss of interest doesn't mean that I've stopped caring, but more so that I self-sabotage and drop the ball. When did I start thinking I'm not worth more then just a hook-up? This sounds as though I've slept with a million people, but that's not that case. Many of these people fall under the same headings. Does that make it better? Not really, just worst choices on my part. But, at least I realize a bad choice when I make one. Half the battle.

Over the next 12-weeks, I want to answer a lot of questions about myself and I'm ready for the journey to begin.

The Work - The 3 tasks you must do everyday/week.

Morning Pages
- Morning pages are three pages, hand written, that you wake up each morning and start writing stream of consciousness. Anything that is on the top of your head. Anything weighting you down, anything. It doesn't matter the content, but just that I take the approximately 30 minutes and free flow from my head. My experience with this in the past is that it actually keeps you grounded throughout the day and you don't keep thinking the same 5 thoughts on repeat all day long.

The Artist's Date
- Every week I have to take myself on a one hour date. Something special, fun, whatever I want. But, I have to plan ahead and treat it like an appointment that I can't miss. It could be as simple as drawing for an hour.

Weekly Walks
- One 20 minute walk every week. I live in NYC, this is a piece of cake. I walk at least that every single day. The idea behind it is that you free your head and allow yourself to really enjoy what's going on around you. I'm going to stop wearing my headphones when I'm walking down the street and keep my face out of my phone, texting. NYC has a million sounds, I don't really need music on top of it all. I will be setting aside a specific 20 minutes every week though for a walk that doesn't include my gym bag, a trip to the laundromat, or any other day to day task.

Each week there are additional tasks that correspond with the focus for that week. Those will be posted along with my progress.

Above are the mentioned areas of the book and I'm also adding in one more element, for myself.

GOD
- I am going to spend 10 minutes everyday reading The Bible. 10 minutes might not sound like much, but when you add it onto the 0 minutes I spend a day now reading The Bible, it makes a difference. I don't know if I believe in God. When I say that, I mean Jesus, the christian religion. I believe in a higher power, but from my youth to my current age, I've been questioning my religious up bringing a lot. I realize that I don't really know that much about God. I've believed in "him" my entire life, but why? Because someone told me to? I've been hearing a lot about having a personal relationship with God, so I figure I might as well give it a shot. And if I decide I still want to rebel against it, then at least I will know what exactly it is that I'm rebelling against. As a kid, I was told the sky is blue, the grass is green, and God created it all. When I went home for Christmas this last week, I was sitting at the table with my adorable 6 year old niece. We were doing a puzzle of Australia and she asked me, "Is Australia was bigger then Clare?", my home town in Michigan. I said, "Yes, it is much bigger." She then asked, "Is Australia bigger then the world?" I said, "No, Australia is on the World, so the world is bigger." The next question was, "Is the World bigger then space?" "No, the World in Space, and Space is huge." The final question, "And God lives in space, right?" My response, "You should probably ask your mom that one." I wanted to say something like, "God lives inside all of us." Or, "Well, God isn't really human with a 'home'." But, I didn't want to give her the 'wrong' information. And further more, where do I think God lives? I don't really believe he is sitting on a throne in the clouds and I don't see 'him' as being a human being either, or anything like that, but what do I think 'he' is?

Well, there it is, in a nutshell.

Today is Day 0, tomorrow is Week 1, Day 1.