Day 1

Week 1, Day 1

Yesterday I walked to and from the gym without my headphones on or my face in my cellphone. I ran into someone on the street that I've had a mild back burner crush on for a while and we said hello, instead of just a gentle wave to acknowledge that you knew the other one existed. We then shared a moment of rolling out eyes at the tourists together on the street that were all crowded around a NYC tour bus. At the Food Emporium on 49th street and 8th avenue, as I checking out, the clerk started to tell me the difference between a sweet potato and a yam. She actually started, and then realized that she didn't know. I told her that I planned to cut the sweet potato up into chunks, oil them, salt and pepper, then cook in the oven. "Wow, that sounds great, I haven't done that before," she exclaimed.

Two simple moments that actually made my entire day a little more special and both would have been completely ignored had I been blasting my own soundtrack into my ears. At this moment, I am sitting silently in my living room and the window is open to the chilling winter air. (We can't control the heat in my apt building, so this is really the only way to not burn up alive). The snow has been melting for days from the snow storm right after Christmas and is almost gone. There is constant dripping from the roof and all over the streets outside. From my open window, it sounds like the slow rhythmic rain of a warm afternoon. A plane flies over head and there is clock ticking on the wall to my left. Basically, its a fucking Bjork cd in my apartment and it's really soothing right now.

Morning Pages

This morning I found myself writing something about "everything happens for a reason". And, it does, right? It then dawned on me that, "Does everything happen for a reason, or am I just lying to myself to avoid taking responsibility?" I don't know if this really pertains to one area of my life right now, or if it is just an overall statement. I would have to read what else I wrote around that in my morning pages, and I'm not allowed to go back and do that until sometime in the future.

No, No, No

Last night I didn't drink while I was working and I actually had a great time. I did a 25 minute meditation a couple hours before work and it really just lightened me up and completely changed my outlook for the night. I don't think I always listen to my mind or my body as much as I should. Work flew by with my dancing around behind the bar, being pleasant to the customers, and basically just having a good time. Because I didn't drink, I didn't smoke, although part way through the night when I would have normally went out to have a cigarette, I did want one. I wanted to step outside into the night air, away from the blasting music and the screaming crowd. I wanted to have my alone time for a few moments. It didn't last to long, and eventually the night was over. Sex. I can't stop thinking about it, and it isn't as if I would have even gotten laid yesterday, but simply knowing that I'm not allowing myself to have sex right now makes me think about it even more then usual. Exactly how much porn is on the internet these days? I'll let you know when I have a full count.

TEXT UPDATES!

Blogspot has this great thing now where I can text in updates, so I might take part in that. Instead of having to remember everything until the next time I write, I can just do it from my phone. But, will that take me away from whatever the next moment is if it should happen right in front of my face?

Moratorium - I listened to this yesterday and it instantly made me feel more understood and at least that I am in a boat that someone else has sailed before.

"Moratorium" -Alanis Morissette



I've never been this accountable-less and within
I've never known focuslessness on any form
I've never had this lack of ache for dalliance
To let go and let god in ways I have never even imagined

I declare a moratorium on things relationship
I declare a respite from the toils of liaison
I do need a breather from the flavors of entanglement
I declare a full time out from all things commitment

I've never let my grasp soften fingers like this
I've never been careless otherless like autonomy's twin

I declare a moratorium on things relationship
I declare a respite from the toils of liaison
I do need a breather from the flavors of entanglement
I declare a full time out from all things commitment

Ah to breathe
Stop looking outside
stop searching in corners of rooms
Not my business or timing
Ahhh

I've never known freedom from intertwining
I start again this time for keeps in my skin I'm residing

I declare a moratorium on things relationship
I declare a respite from the toils of liaison
I do need a breather from the flavors of entanglement
I declare a full time out from all things commitment

I declare a moratorium on things relationship
I declare a respite from the toils of liaison
I do need a breather from the flavors of entanglement
I declare a full time out from all things commitment