Week 1, Day 3

No Fucking the Fuck Buddy.

There is someone in my life that I dated very briefly a few years ago and part of the reason is because the sex was always so great. Great, is an understatement. But, there really hasn't ever been anything emotional there and the amount time spent was chatting was sadly almost always limited to hello and good-bye. Don't get me wrong, I knew many more things about the person, but the deep inner thoughts and such, not so much. Maybe afterwards we'd chat for a little bit about this or that, but sex was always the priority when we would hang out. This has been going on sporadically for 3 years. I always have safe sex, and I've actually never cheated in a relationship, although, "FB" hasn't always been single. Why do I think that some how I am not the guilty party because I'm not the one in a relationship? I do have to take some responsibility, right? Anyways, now, "FB" is single, and I am abstinent. "FB" also doesn't drink, in general really, and just lives around the corner. The other night, I invited "FB" over for dinner, just to hang out because "FB" has been going through a break up and needed to chat. We actually had a great time, and then last night, we did the same. "FB" kept my company while I cleaned my kitchen and bathroom, which embarrassingly needed it worse then I'd like to admit. We chatted for hours, probably more then we have ever talked in the entire time we've known each other. There was no fucking the fuck buddy, and because the focus wasn't sex, I have found so many new layers to the person and the possibility of a great friendship, which could be better then just great sex. It makes me wonder who else in my life have I not allowed myself to really get to know or have emotions for because my focus became sex and not the connection between two people?

No Music Meant I Had To Stop

There I was yesterday, strolling down the street in my gym clothes, headed to the bank, starbucks in my hand, and no music to avert my attention. That's when it happened. Running into a dreaded ex. Not just any ex, but an ex in which the last conversation you has included screaming, and saying things that you would later say you didn't mean, but know that you totally meant them and still probably do. The EX stops, looks directly at me, "Shit," I think,"ummm, grab your phone, turn up the music. FUCK! You're not playing any music, don't dive into your phone. What's wrong with you? Oh God, don't trip. Do you remember how to walk? Right foot, left foot, right foot, left foot. Oh God, The EX is smiling, there is going to be chatting. Be nice. BE NICE YOU LITTLE ASSHOLE!"

"Hey!" The EX exclaims with a smile.

"Hey, how are you? Happy New Year. What'd you do, work? I worked, it was ok." No, really, it all came out like that. I'm very smooth.

The EX laughs. "It was good". Blah blah blah, boring boring boring.

CUT TO END OF CONVERSATION (30 seconds later but seemed like an eternity).

AWKWARD SILENCE

"I was going to e-mail you the other day because I was thinking about you, but I didn't know if you were mad at me." The EX.

SILENCE

The EX just stares at me. "Are you mad at me?"

"Oh, no, I'm not mad at you... anymore."

SILENCE

"Yeah, I'm not mad at you anymore."

Then I ditched and went to the bank. I'm not sure how well all that came off in what I just typed out, but the point is, it wasn't awful and today I don't feel so much resentment when I think of that person. And, I would have avoided that interaction if I had been listening to music. Instead, I allowed myself to walk in the world and I let the world do what it wanted with me. This situation also makes me wonder if there is anyone that sees me on the street and dives into their cellphones or music and tried to block me out? How many times have I purposely been ignored? And what am I so afraid of that I feel the need to do it too? Yes, NYC is abrasive and sometimes you want your own space, it can be tough, but I don't think those are the reasons I choose to disconnect. I think I do it for self protection, but protection from what?

MORNING PAGES

I did em, they were good. Kind of boring for me today because I was so exited to get on here and share those two experiences. Without the morning pages though, I'm not sure if I would have felt the need to share them. They sort of cleared it all up in my head for me and got me thinking.

BIBLE

The quote from yesterday that I wanted to address was Matthew 6:34 "Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." The verses leading up to this talk about how God always has food for the birds and are humans not more important then the birds, and not to worry about clothing because clothing is something of man, and not of God. Basically it says to focus on God and the kingdom of God and everything else will be taken care of. As much as I find a certain level of peace in this, I don't know what amount of belief or praying to God the starving families and children of Africa would have to do to get God to give them food. I realize that is a drastic and dramatic statement to make, but aren't they more important then the birds too?