Learning How To Walk

One Before The Other

Approximately a year ago I embarked on The Artist's Way, a 12-week course to creative and spiritual enlightenment. The book completely changed my life in a lot of ways, but over time I have started to fall into the same habits that I had before. I stopped doing the work once I started to see the results that I had been working towards. It is clear to me now that you can't expect to see the same results if you don't continue to put in the same effort. Instead of starting again with the Artist's Way again I am choosing to move on to the second 12-week course by Julia Cameron, Walking in This World. Many of the elements are the same, but the tasks each week are different. I did complete the 12- week Artist's Way and one of the ways that I stayed on track was to blog about my experience daily. I did this until almost the tenth week and then I stopped blogging. I forget exactly why, but I stopped wanting to share my experience with others. Perhaps the blogging added onto the already some what time consuming tasks also had to do with it. The blog is still up at http://2artistsway.blogspot.com.

The Next 12-Weeks

Goals - No Drinking, No Smoking, No SEX
- For the next 12 weeks I have decided to give up alcohol, smoking (pot and cigarettes), and sex. In all honesty, I haven't smoked pot in probably 6 months. Not because I've been trying not to, but just because I haven't. Cigarettes I only smoke when I drink, and since drinking is out of the equation, that should be simple too. The not drinking part might be tricky, especially since I bartend. You'd be surprised the difference a couple shots make when you are dealing with ridiculously drunk people all night long.I have gone for 6 months before without drinking, so I know I can do it. The no drinking is because I want to stay focused and get my life in the place that I want it to be in. I hate being hungover and it actually effects me more emotionally then anything else. I've been known to watch trashy talk shows when I'm hungover and, in those times, throw things at the TV because I get emotional over whatever made up story Montel is broadcasting. (I don't know if they are actually made up, but I'm guessing). Sex. No sex for at least 12-weeks. This is going to be the hardest of all of the challenges for me. I'm not trying to cut out masturbation (I'm not crazy), but the act of actually having sex with someone else is out of the question. Why you ask? Because, it has come to my attention that I have sex for 'the wrong reasons'. When I was 15 I remember thinking that I only wanted to have sex with one person my entire life. When I was almost 16 I had sex for the first time. At the time I thought that at least I loved the person, so it was OK. After that I decided that I'd only sleep with someone I was in love with. That lasted until I was 21. Now, it's hard for me to think of the last time I had sex with someone for the first time because I was genuinely attracted to their spirit. This isn't to say that I haven't cared about the people I've slept with, or that those feelings didn't develop later, but they weren't there in the beginning. When did I start thinking that I wasn't worth waiting for? Over the last couple years, I've dated people that are much older then me, in relationships, and people that I didn't give a shit about. I think that I use sex to lie to myself that someone cares about me when they don't. I have slept with people that are emotionally unavailable or have no interest in a relationship. I have also slept with amazing people that I think I've had a possible real future with, only to lose interest at the drop of a hat and have no idea why. The loss of interest doesn't mean that I've stopped caring, but more so that I self-sabotage and drop the ball. When did I start thinking I'm not worth more then just a hook-up? This sounds as though I've slept with a million people, but that's not that case. Many of these people fall under the same headings. Does that make it better? Not really, just worst choices on my part. But, at least I realize a bad choice when I make one. Half the battle.

Over the next 12-weeks, I want to answer a lot of questions about myself and I'm ready for the journey to begin.

The Work - The 3 tasks you must do everyday/week.

Morning Pages
- Morning pages are three pages, hand written, that you wake up each morning and start writing stream of consciousness. Anything that is on the top of your head. Anything weighting you down, anything. It doesn't matter the content, but just that I take the approximately 30 minutes and free flow from my head. My experience with this in the past is that it actually keeps you grounded throughout the day and you don't keep thinking the same 5 thoughts on repeat all day long.

The Artist's Date
- Every week I have to take myself on a one hour date. Something special, fun, whatever I want. But, I have to plan ahead and treat it like an appointment that I can't miss. It could be as simple as drawing for an hour.

Weekly Walks
- One 20 minute walk every week. I live in NYC, this is a piece of cake. I walk at least that every single day. The idea behind it is that you free your head and allow yourself to really enjoy what's going on around you. I'm going to stop wearing my headphones when I'm walking down the street and keep my face out of my phone, texting. NYC has a million sounds, I don't really need music on top of it all. I will be setting aside a specific 20 minutes every week though for a walk that doesn't include my gym bag, a trip to the laundromat, or any other day to day task.

Each week there are additional tasks that correspond with the focus for that week. Those will be posted along with my progress.

Above are the mentioned areas of the book and I'm also adding in one more element, for myself.

GOD
- I am going to spend 10 minutes everyday reading The Bible. 10 minutes might not sound like much, but when you add it onto the 0 minutes I spend a day now reading The Bible, it makes a difference. I don't know if I believe in God. When I say that, I mean Jesus, the christian religion. I believe in a higher power, but from my youth to my current age, I've been questioning my religious up bringing a lot. I realize that I don't really know that much about God. I've believed in "him" my entire life, but why? Because someone told me to? I've been hearing a lot about having a personal relationship with God, so I figure I might as well give it a shot. And if I decide I still want to rebel against it, then at least I will know what exactly it is that I'm rebelling against. As a kid, I was told the sky is blue, the grass is green, and God created it all. When I went home for Christmas this last week, I was sitting at the table with my adorable 6 year old niece. We were doing a puzzle of Australia and she asked me, "Is Australia was bigger then Clare?", my home town in Michigan. I said, "Yes, it is much bigger." She then asked, "Is Australia bigger then the world?" I said, "No, Australia is on the World, so the world is bigger." The next question was, "Is the World bigger then space?" "No, the World in Space, and Space is huge." The final question, "And God lives in space, right?" My response, "You should probably ask your mom that one." I wanted to say something like, "God lives inside all of us." Or, "Well, God isn't really human with a 'home'." But, I didn't want to give her the 'wrong' information. And further more, where do I think God lives? I don't really believe he is sitting on a throne in the clouds and I don't see 'him' as being a human being either, or anything like that, but what do I think 'he' is?

Well, there it is, in a nutshell.

Today is Day 0, tomorrow is Week 1, Day 1.