Baby Steps

Every now and then, I'm finding that I'm figuring out who I am by figuring out who I am not. Sure, it can be a huge process, but not one that come with no pay off. It's tough because I have trouble not looking at something as a failure when in actuality it's all a learning process. If I'm not taking away knowledge from the situation, then it would more of a failure. But, if I am continuing to grow, then what more can one ask for? Besides the World on a platter instead of feeling like it is on my back at times. I can't hate anything that I learn from, but why do the big lessons have to feel so terrible? I never understood the term "growing pains" until recently. I really didn't get where it was coming from or what it meant.

Tomorrow can only become better with the new knowledge I have of today.



"I feel it all" -Feist

I feel it all I feel it all
I feel it all I feel it all
The wings are wide the wings are wide
Wild card inside wild card inside

Oh I'll be the one who'll break my heart
I'll be the one to hold the gun

I know more than I knew before
I know more than I knew before
I didn't rest I didn't stop
Did we fight or did we talk

Oh I'll be the one who'll break my heart
I'll be the one to hold the gun

I love you more
I love you more
I don't know what I knew before
But now I know I wanna win the war

No one likes to take a test
Sometimes you know more is less
Put your weight against the door
Kick drum on the basement floor
Stranded in a fog of words
Loved him like a winter bird
On my head the water pours
Gulf stream through the open door
Fly away
Fly away to what you want to make

I feel it all, I feel it all
I feel it all I feel it all
The wings are wide, the wings are wide
Wild card inside, wild card inside

Oh I'll be the one to break my heart
I'll be the one who'll break my heart
I'll be the one who'll break my heart
I'll end it thought you started it

The truth lies
The truth lied
And lies divide
Lies divide

The Saltwater Room

I was recently introduced to the group Owl City, this is by far one of my favorite songs.



I opened my eyes last night and saw you in the low light
Walking down by the bay, on the shore, staring up at the planes that aren’t there anymore

I was feeling the night grow old and you were looking so cold
like an introvert, I drew my over shirt
Around my arms and began to shiver violently, before
You happened to look and see the tunnels all around me
Running into the dark underground
All the subways around create a great sound
To my motion fatigue: farewell
With your ear to a seashell
You can hear the waves in underwater caves
As if you actually were inside a saltwater room

Time together is just never quite enough
When you and I are alone, I’ve never felt so at home
What will it take to make or break this hint of love?
We need time, only time
When we’re apart whatever are you thinking of?
If this is what I call home, why does it feel so alone?
So tell me darling, do you wish we’d fall in love?
All the time, all the time.


Can you believe that the crew has gone and they wouldn’t let me sign on
All my islands have sunk in the deep, so I can hardly relax or even oversleep
I feel as if i were home, some nights, when we kill all the shiplights
I guess we'll never know why sparrows love the snow
We’ll turn out all of the lights and set this ballroom aglow


So tell me darling, do you wish we’d fall in love?
All the time.

Time together is just never quite enough
When you and I are alone, I’ve never felt so at home
What will it take to make or break this hint of love?
Only time, only time
When we’re apart whatever are you thinking of?
If this is what I call home, why does it feel so alone?
So tell me darling, do you wish we’d fall in love?
All the time, all the time.

Time together is just never quite enough
When we’re apart whatever are you thinking of?
What will it take to make or break this hint of love?
So tell me darling, do you wish we’d fall in love?
All the time.

Honesty

I've always valued honesty, at least recently. It's very hard to love someone for their honesty when their honesty can sting so much. I wonder what honesty I've shared that's left scars.

One Before the Other

At the end of this 12 weeks I expected something amazing to happen, perhaps fireworks out of nowhere. I don't know. I think I expected some sort of great explosion and suddenly the entire World would make sense and I'd have found my direct path to having everything I want out of life. What I have discovered is that my entire life does in fact needed to be dedicated to becoming the best-version-of-myself. For a while that seemed easy, I'd simply ask myself which choice makes me become the best version I can. Do I eat chicken and veggies after the gym, or swing by McDonald's because it is easier? Do I spend $400 on a new phone simply because I want it and it will make me happy for a few moments? Probably not the best idea.

I've discovered that the decisions become harder and harder when they start to become feelings of the heart. Sometimes the most painful things teach you the most. It seems so hard to always try and look for a light, a meaning, a sign, or something you are supposed to learn from a situation. It's hard to remember that everything that everyone does they do because they sincerely think it will make them happy. I've been doing better at thinking before I respond. Not so much as to take a breath and relax, but to stop and really think about the entire picture. Since this is new for me, it takes me a while to weigh things out and the responses don't always come so quickly. I've found that silence is by far becoming my best friend. To simply sit in silence, the World seems to speak directly into your ear. The ability to sit with myself, without the tv, without music, without a phone call or a roommate has become increasingly valuable. I used to think that crying was the best therapy to get emotion out, but I'm slowly discovering silence.

At my therapists office this last week, I was talking about intimacy and how I feel the need to always be talking when I'm with someone I care about. I was explaining my fear of silence and how I feel like I HAVE to fill it, because if I don't, then maybe nothing is there. Silence with my alone doesn't scare me, silence with someone else terrifies me. My therapist asked me if I realized that silence can also be a form of intimacy. And no, I hadn't. As a child I was always trying to fill every pocket of silence with something. I figured that if I didn't fill the silence, then someone or something else would and it might not be pleasant. Over time, I trained myself to jump into action during silence, it always kept all the guns and weapons down. Now, in trying to embrace silence, I find both peace and anxiety. My first course of action in embracing silence is to try and hand over control to it. To a certain extent that means handing over control to nothing, not even someone else, or something else, but to nothing. Can I learn to allow silence to take control of me and lead into more clarity.

Week 12, Day 7

I wish I had the perfect first line to start this final 12 week entry; I don't. In fact, it is 5:12am on Saturday night and I'm exhausted. I was just about to turn in for the night and I figured I'd do this last blog tomorrow or on Monday, when the time would be easier. What would I then title it? Week 13, Day 1-Day 2- Day 3, or whatever day I got around to doing it.

Honesty

When I started this, I wanted to prove to myself that I could go for 12 weeks without sex, pot/cigarettes, and alcohol. I just wanted to see what would happen, challenge myself for the Hell of it. I didn't see myself as having issues with any of these things at all. I was wrong.

Alcohol

The alcohol was easy to give up after the first two weeks of simply not allowing myself to have it. After that, day by day it became easier.

Smoking

The smoking was easy for the first week and then harder and harder for a few weeks. Eventually, the yearning for a cigarette has become something that only pops into my head every now and again. I do sort of feel like that will always be there.

Sex

This is perhaps the area in which I thought I didn't the least help and it turned out I needed the most. The only reason that I even decided to add sex into this experiment was because right before hand I had hooked up with someone that I'd had a crush on for years. Afterwards, it was very clear that it was just a hook up and the entire fantasy that I had in my head was shattered at my feet. The fantasy that I had created in my head and some how really thought was going to happen. The fact that this person from that point on would only ever see me as a hook up sort of broke my heart. I started to think about what would happen if I just choose to not have sex with anyone, that maybe it would make my value rise a bit and I'd feel better about myself. I didn't realize how right and how wrong I was, both at the same time. 1. You can't control how someone else sees you and how they see you says more about themselves then even what it could possibly say about you. 2. Value can't be measured by any form of sex, amount or other. At first, it was very difficult, I didn't realize how often I had been using sex simply to make myself feel like someone either cared about me, I was conquering someone, or I was just bored and wanted something to do. I didn't realize that sex had become a game to me. Meanwhile, vocally, I would talk about wanting a relationship and wanting more, but my actions said the complete opposite.

Learning....

Alcohol

1 pint of beer
1.5 cans of beer
1/2 a mojito

The above is all the alcohol I've consumed in the last 12 weeks. I had a pint of beer one night at Dave and Busters, apx. 9 weeks in. I allowed myself to have it because I felt like it. I didn't "want" it or "need" it. I didn't have it because I felt pressured, sad, depressed, or trying to cope with anything. The 1.5 cans of beer I had when I was preparing dinner with a friend. We were chatting and enjoying our time together, so I figured why not? The 1/2 mojito. I was eating at Sea in Brooklyn. I'm pretty sure it's illegal to eat there without having a mojito. All of these experiences I am fine with and I feel confident with my choices because they were just that, choices. Choices that I was completely aware of and knew I was making. It is also my way of slowing starting to try and live a life of moderation.

Smoking

I have had 0 cigarettes and I have taken 3 hits is weed. 2 of those were before I devoured an enormous meal and I had a great time chatting and laughing. The other time was also because I was in the right frame of mind and I felt good about where I was and what I was doing.

Sex

I have had 1 sexual partner during these 12 weeks. This person I didn't meet until week 4 and it seemed to come out of nowhere. Meeting someone during this process was the least expected thing in my mind. We started hanging out and it wasn't until a full month later that we were sexual together. So, around apx week 8. This is the first time, that I can ever remember, where I went on dates with someone for a month before having sex. And, although it wasn't the full 12 weeks, that month was worth the wait. Having sex with someone you feel an actual connection to is so much better. I think at some point becoming an adult, I forgot that. I forgot that I am worth waiting for and I forgot that I do have the respect for myself that I need to. I forgot that I am a special human being. I don't know how, but at some point, I just forgot. As I stand now, I don't know if I ever want to have sex with someone again that i don't at least feel a strong connection with. For a lot of people that seems like a no brainer, I'm sure, but I assure you, it isn't. I feel like I could go on and on about this topic forever, but it is closing in on 6am and I am tired.

I don't know how often I am going to update this blog now. I expected to call it 12 weeks and be done, but I still have a lot to learn.

When I started, I thought I was stumbling around and I needed to learn to walk and really take care of myself. What I learned is that I'm only stumbling because I am running so fast. I need to stop running for all the finish lines that don't exist and really learn to walk. There is so much more to experience and see when you are walking. There is so much more to feel and learn. There is so much more beauty in so many small moments if I'd just allow myself to enjoy them. I am still learning to walk, but at least now I'm more of speed walking instead of running full speed.

Week 12, Day 4

I am tired. In fact, just now in getting ready to place the title of this blog, "Week 12, Day 4", I started with Day 3 because I forgot about Tuesday when I was counting on my fingers. Yes, I am tired. I am also fulfilled. For the last almost 8 weeks now I have been working 3 different jobs and on my nights off, I've been having 3 hours rehearsals for a show that is officially going up at The Upright Citizens Brigade on April 14th. I am tired and feeling fulfilled because almost all my credit card debt is paid off and my student loans are caught up on. I am tired and fulfilled because I am busy being vulnerable and consciously aware of everything I'm doing and why. I am tired and fulfilled because I am learning so much about myself that it is exhausting and wonderful at the same time.

I just finished reading the chapter for Week 12, Discovering a Sense of Dignity. I still have the tasks to go back and do, but right now, doing the morning pages has been difficult enough. I am still doing them and feeling a great sense of ease throughout my day because of them. I'm looking forward to continuing to do them, they have become a part of my habit, a part of my life, and something that I will treasure in the future. To a certain degree, they have become me, as any great journal eventually does. They are pages that I don't lie to, that I don't try to paint myself a certain way to, they listen to me, they hear me, and they eventually tell me when to shut up and let something go. They have become a companion and a friend.

My painting is not yet finished. Not even close. Maybe 80 percent done and I know if I had a few hours to sit down and work, it would happily go along and the project would be over before I know it. I don't want it to feel like work though, and I want my heart to be in it. I don't want to have to force myself to sit down for a few hours. Perhaps tomorrow or the next day I can simply switch something out of my schedule and move the painting into the spot.

This week will quickly be coming to an end. Quickly, my 12 weeks will be over and I'll be back to giving myself the huge choice of doing whatever I want to again. But, I will also have the education and experience of these 12 weeks to remember how I now what to live my life. I haven't fully learned how to walk yet, but I'm working on it.

Week 11, Day 6

Yesterday, for what might be the first time in my entire life, I let another human being know what my needs are. And, the World didn't end. Who'd have known? How many times in my life have I left my own needs unmet because I was simply trying to meet everyone else's? How many times have I ignored myself for the peace of everyone else? How many times have I simply gotten frustrated from situations and walked away because I felt I wasn't being heard, but I wasn't speaking either? Not only to other people, but how many times have I ignored my own needs from myself and decided that it was simpler to just not want and not need?

Growing up, walking into my home was the equivalent of walking into a hurricane. I never had any idea which way was up and I never had any idea what was going to be hiding behind the front door. I assumed nothing was lasting beyond one moment, emotions could flip the world in a moment and leave us all crashing below. It never accord to me that not EVERYONE in the World has emotions that come and go like the ocean tide.

I'm almost up to week 12. It really shocks me how quickly time has flown by and how unbearably slow at times too. There is no finish line here, just one day at a time.

Week 11, Day 4

Time flies. I can't believe I'm already half way through week 11. I have one more week to go, and I still have so much I feel that I need/want to learn about myself. New discoveries are happening quickly and at a rate that I haven't felt in a long time. My sense of patience has multiplied a thousand fold and for that I am truly thankful. I feel more empathy, compassion, and love, not only for other people, but also for myself. I don't know why I'm so hard on myself and why I feel the need to meet everyone else's needs, but not my own. At what point did I decide that I should come in second place in my own life? More then once I've had someone say sarcastically, "And you're so humble too." In actuality, I am rather humble, but if you don't pat yourself on the back everyone now and again, or be your own biggest fan, how can you expect anyone else to? I guess that sort of is the same as, "if you don't love yourself, how can you expect anyone else to?"

I've finished all the tasks for week 11, which is great for me. All too often I've been running around Saturday and Sunday trying my best to get everything around. This weeks chapter was all about picking yourself up when you feel thrown down. It's exactly what I needed this week too. In a sense, I feel kicked to the curb and I needed a reminder to stand back up and keep walking. The chapter challenges you to ask, "What's next", instead of, "Why me". It also challenges you to look for a lesson in what's going on, instead of just assuming that you are not in control of anything that is happening in your life.

Well, what's next?

Week 11, Day 2

Am I losing my voice?

For the last few weeks there has been a small battle raging in my head that draws the line between my first thoughts and the changes I'm trying to make in my life about how I relate to certain topics, issues, and people. Because I am so aware of what I'm thinking, I've been doing a lot of thinking before I speak. This is something that I've been proud of myself for because all too often I just allow the first thing that pops into my head to come flying out. It was brought to my attention today by my therapist that perhaps I'm not allowing myself to be fully heard because I am censoring myself too much. Once again, I need to find some balance. When do I need to be honest with what I'm feeling and when is it okay to take time and think about how I'm feeling before I respond? I've been doing so well with examining my feelings and thoughts, but now it feels as though maybe they are pilling on top of each other because they aren't getting released at all. I feel frustrated and really the only person to blame is myself, because I've chosen to silence myself.

I'm very good at meeting other peoples needs, when I know what they are. But, am I good also at expressing my own needs and wants? Further more, if I really sit down and think about it, do I really know what my needs are? For a long time I've been focused always on the needs of others that it is a tricky question to ask what I want. Maybe I really don't know, or maybe, I just haven't taken the time to dive in and figure it out.

Week 11, Day 1

I am not behind on the learning scale, but I am behind on the scale of getting through chapter 10 and starting 11. I haven't finished the tasks and I honestly haven't had time. Work has been overwhelming and at moments my emotional life as well. I just feel tired right now. I am forcing myself even at this moment to stammer through this typing. I feel like I have a huge amount of things on my plate right now and I'm wondering why I'm attacking it all so head on right now. I need to give myself a slight vacation from myself.

Week 10, Day 4

A daily dose of the truth.

For what seems like my entire life, basically as far back as I can remember, I have felt a need to be in control of every aspect of my life. This started as a child with me continually trying to stop my family from fighting. I don't have much of a memory of growing up before the age of 10. It was around that time that my mom had brain surgery and then divorced my dad. At that point, it seems like everything fell apart and my job was to try and put everything together and keep it that way. I remember laying in bed trying to stay awake for hours with anxiety in the pit of my stomach, waiting for the next big fight to break out. I remember my house feeling like glass, just waiting to be dropped and shattered. I felt like I had no one and nothing to hold on to for support and comfort. My ears were constantly scanning every noise, every movement, trying to anticipate the movements of my family and what was going to happen. I started trying to be the clown, to get the attention, to make everyone look at me and ignore any problems that were really peaking around corners. I had learned how to control the World. Or, at least I thought I had. As long as I was on constant duty, I could keep everyone happy, I could keep everyone alive. Yes, alive. For years I literally felt that if I didn't keep everything from boiling over, someone was going to die. These lessons slowly molded me into thinking that I needed to be everywhere, all the time, and I needed to constantly be on watch or the World would fall apart.

Between the ages of 10 and 16 I doubt I slept for more then 5 hours a night at most. I would lay in bed and pray for fences of angels to come and protect every inch of the house, my family, and anything that could possibly break and cause a fall out. I moved out of my home town and to New York when I was 18, a couple weeks after graduating high school. I wanted to get away, from everything, everyone. I wanted to leave my family and no longer feel like I had to keep everyone safe. I took the lessons of control that I had gained and applied them to myself. 7 years later, I am controlling every part of my life to the point that I don't allow myself to breathe. 2 months ago, I decided I wanted to control myself more and I placed rules around myself, no smoking, no drinking, no sex. In placing myself in the situation that I have, I only realize now how much I need to not control myself so much.

When I began this journey I was at a place in my life where I was sleeping with a good amount of people, drinking more then a good amount and smoking just to smoke. When I decided to embark on this journey I knew that I was ready for some changes but what I thought I was ready for was to place more control on myself and to really try and get my life together. What I didn't realize that what I really needed was to allow myself more freedom then I already was. Although that sound contradicting, let me expand. I had become a slave to alcohol, sex, and smoking. Freedom doesn't mean allowing myself to have all the sex I want, all the cigarettes or weed, or all the alcohol, freedom means I have the choice to say no to them, that I am actually free from them. 2 weeks ago I came to the realization that I need to allow myself to be free, and why haven't I? I haven't because I have never experienced freedom and safety at the same time. I have never found freedom anywhere near safety and I don't equate the two as one. Now, the question that seems to be looming over my head is, what am I not free of? I feel like I am free of alcohol, I am free of smoking, I am free of sex (for the most part), but what am I not free of?

I am not free of control. I would like to find a strong sense of self-discipline within myself, but not feel like I have to control my every move. One place where I struggle immensely with control is with personal relationships. I have a hard time trusting that everything will be ok. I have a hard time not trying to push and run for the finish line. The finish line that really doesn't exist. There is no finish line for any form of relationship, so what is it that I think I'm running so desperately hard for? If there is no finish line, is there a course? If there is a course, what happens when the path changes? Is there a true point A to point B? I don't think there is logically, but emotionally I do try to keep everything always going the way I want it to. Can I find a sense of comfort in not trying to control the flow of personal relationships? Can I find the power and safety within myself to trust something outside of myself and just allow the World to unfold? Can I lose control enough to accept that happiness can happen without me trying to make it appear?

Can I have faith and find peace in something outside of myself? I don't have to be that scared little kid any more, I don't have to constantly be waiting for the World to come crashing down. Can I just allow myself to be?

Week 10, Day 1

Playing the guitar makes me cry. Almost every time I practice, I start to cry. Usually only for a moment and then it passes, but it does offer me some sort of safe release. I'm not even sure what it is that I'm tearing up about. I guess sometimes all emotions don't have to have reasons, sometimes I smile and don't know why too. Lately, I've just been feeling very vulnerable and I'm trying to breathe into it, but it's rough. Vulnerability isn't something I am secure with or something that I find safety in. I keep trying to tell myself that it's just an emotion and there is nothing wrong with any emotion, but that doesn't always work. I'm so used to having a lot of walls built up around myself, so to let anything down and let anyone/anything in is pretty difficult for me. I wish I knew some quick fix solution, but the fact is that there are none. Anything worth changing takes time, work and patients. Patients are not my strong point, but I'm trying just the same.

I have a lot of moments where I wish that I knew the answers to everything in life, and who doesn't wish that? Lots of times when I don't have the answers, I find myself just making them up. My imagination runs away with me and suddenly I feel out of control and have to drag myself back in. Would I really want to know everything if I had the chance? I always want to know what everyone else is thinking, what they are feeling, what's going inside them. Over the sumer I was dating someone for a little bit who was very honest with me. His words didn't match his actions, so I choose to listen to his actions because I liked those more. Sometimes you have to listen to both, even when they are mixed, crossed, and make no sense. I remember specifically saying once that I always want to hear the truth, no matter how hard it is to hear. He said, "Everyone always says they want the truth, but it's a lie. No one want to hear what's real." I said I did, I could handle it. His response was, "I like you a lot, but I don't want to be in love. I don't ever want to be in love again. I've already done that and I don't want it in my life, ever again." Maybe he was right, because we didn't talk much after that. Maybe I wanted to be lied to, but why? Only to avoid the inevitable outcome? I always try to see the best in people, but sometimes that means ignoring a lot of the bad in them. Maybe sometimes the bad is worth taking a look at too? I can't imagine not wanting to ever love again. I can't imagine a life without love and passion. But, maybe I've just never let my walls down enough to allow myself to be hurt that badly? I know that isn't true, but it's a nice thought, kind of. If I hadn't been hurt at some point, the walls wouldn't be there I guess. Again, something I don't have all the answers too.

Morning Pages: I feel like I've become annoying in them. I've been complaining a lot. Better to a page then to the World, at least it's coming out.

Week 9, Day 6

This week in the book has been all about letting go of your worries, fears, anxieties and not allowing yourself to get trapped in your head by negative thought patterns. The chapter explains how one negative thought leads to another and before you know it, you're in tears for no apparent reason. I've been there. It also explains how using nervous energy to create is one of the best tools you can have. Wed, for example, I felt anxiety almost the entire day, I decided to use it instead of trying to get it to go away. I ended up getting a ton of things done that I otherwise wouldn't have. Always a great feeling to be able to check a few "to-do's" off the list.

Last night, I had a beer.

Yes, a beer. I didn't have a drink because I was stressed out, because I wanted to cope with something, or because I wanted to get out of my head. I had a beer because I wanted to have one. This, isn't an experience I am used to. I used to drink at work all the time to make the time go by faster, or to escape the customers and so on. I would drink because I was sad and wanted to escape that feeling, so to just pass the time of being unsure where my future is going. Last night I had a beer because I wanted one. And, it tasted great. If I want to live a life of moderation, then maybe I should start now, instead of giving myself little time frames to try and learn by. Maybe, I need to start listening to my heart a little bit more, instead of just trying to reach and touch goals that I have set up for myself to control myself. Can I find a safety zone between out of control and total control? Can I find a sense of liberation within the control I have set for myself?

Week 9, Day 4

I've never been so moody in my entire life. All in one day. It's a bit much to be honest. I would like to level out, any day now, please.

Week 9, Day 2

Morning Pages:

CHECK. They got done late today, but still done. They felt scattered and I guess that is fair; my mind has felt scattered. I'm officially 2/3rds done with my original goal. And I've already started to think about what I'm going to be doing after. Right now I have a lot of control in myself, but I'm excited about the possibility of keeping the work that I've done, but also allowing myself to be free. Last night, over dinner, someone pointed out to me how nice it will be for me to be able to continue to make the choices in my life that I have been, but without having to think about them before I make them. Essentially, when the choices and changes are fully functioning and working. Change is hard. And to honest, pretty freaking difficult. Also, worth all the work, as far as I can tell. I don't know what my full thoughts are on everything I've been working on, but I want to live a life of moderation. And, I want to stop being so damn hard on myself all the time.

Week 9, Day 1

It just dawned on me that every week is like a new beginning when I title the blog Week X, Day 1. Yes, everyday should actually be day 1, because it is singular and can be whatever you want it to be. This morning, I woke up with the hugest smile on my face. Why? I have no idea, but the fact that there really isn't a "reason" just makes me more happy. I did my morning pages, cleaned the apartment, played guitar, hit the gym, picked up some things I needed and dropped off my laundry. Very productive and it's only 4pm. Yes, 4pm, please take into consideration that I worked until 5am last night. So, getting up at 12 and getting all this done already is a pretty good accomplishment. I've been working a ton lately, but the great thing is that when I have time off, I find myself getting more done and really enjoying the moments that I have.

I forget where I read it, but somewhere along the line I read something that was all about accepting people for who they are. I know that I've talked about this before, but it really has become something that I have been carrying around in my pocket everyday. That and the fact that everyone makes the choices that they make because they sincerely think they are going to be happier because of them. It's so much easier to forgive someone when you really believe that they were just trying to make themselves happy. It sucks when you get crushed by someone else trying to be happy, but I'm sure I've done my fair amount of crushing in my own journey of life too.

I have become disgustingly optimistic. Not every day, but I have my moments, and I love them. On my walk home from the gym today, I couldn't stop smiling. I don't even think I was thinking about anything direct, but I just happen to have a shit eating grin on my face.

Week 9 starts today, and I don't know if I'm going to stop at the end of week 12. I feel like I'm learning so much about myself and I'm amazed at the speed I'm flying by. I'm enjoying the ride, for the first time in a while.

Week 8, Day 6

Empathy, Compassion, and Courage.

Yesterday at work a customer asked me what makes me heart beat outside of bartending. He flat out asked me what my passion in life is. And, 2 months ago I would have something completely different then what I said yesterday. Yesterday, I simply said, "I don't know, 2 months ago I'd have had an answer for you. Today, not so much". For the last four years of my life I've been spending tons of money, time, and energy on acting and trying to make become the best actor possible. Now, I'm not sure if acting is going to feed my soul the way that I want it to be fed. I think my actual purpose for life is so how help other people and spread as much love through the World as possible. You can't heal the World, I'm well aware, but every little bit always helps. In the summer, I am toying with the idea of going back to school for psychology and seeing how I like it. I'm 26, I want to have a piece of paper in my hand that says I am intelligent. Not to say I NEED that, but I want it, for myself.

In the yoga class that I've been taking, the yogi has been talking about working with the parts of yourself that scare you and turning them into things that you can grow and learn from. A way to take all the negative and make it work for you. That is stage one, stage two is working on your heart and learning how to make your own capacity for love grow. The third stage is to stop being selfish and be willing to spread and give love. In the last two months I've learned more and more about what real empathy and compassion is made up of. I've had these beautiful moments where I've had opinions and thoughts to express, but held them back because I realized they would only be self-serving. I'm starting to realize that my life isn't ONLY about me. I didn't realize how much I really put myself first all the time. I guess my mentality was always "if I don't put myself first, then who is going to?" Most of that comes from growing up and feeling like I've had to take care of myself fully since 14. But, I'm not 14 anymore and I have to respect where I am now too.

Courage. I'm terrified, most of the time. I usually have a constant shell of self-protection around myself and I rarely let it down. New York City is a tough place to be sensitive, but so is the World. I'm starting to find the courage to accept people for who they are and love them for who they are, not what I think they could be or want them to be. It's scary to start accepting other people as perfect the way they are, because then you have to start to love yourself for who you are and not what you think you could be also.

I'm going through a spiritual awakening of change. Not because I don't want to be who I am right now, but because I think I am actually ready to become the-best-version-of-myself. Whatever that may be. "Control is the skeleton key to change." But, I have to accept that I can't control everything, and some things I have to just let be.

Week 8, Day 3

"No person, place, or situation benefits from our hurried pushing forward. Everything and everyone benefits from our slowing down - letting go and letting God- so that a natural pace and progression can be discovered."

The above quote comes directly from the writing in week 8. And, I think it's true. I can honestly say that I am someone who a lot of the time has my focus on the finish line. Sometimes I run too fast and I trip, lose sight of my goal, or get lost on the way. I don't know what exactly it is that I'm in such a hurry for, but I need to slow down. This really goes into all aspects of my life. I always just want and expect everything to happen overnight, and that just isn't the case. I need to create some sort of moderation in my life, including the pace of which I prefer to get things done. Maybe my entire life doesn't need to be broken down into months, weeks, days, and hours. I do have an entire life to live, so I should take it slow. Eventually I'm going to hit that finish line, we all do. So, what am I running so desperately fast for?

Morning Pages:
CHECK.. I included another letter to God in these pages. I enjoy praying more now, but I enjoy writing the letters too.

Week 8, Day 2

Today I bought an acoustic/electric guitar. The woman across the hall teaches lessons, so I'm going to start taking some. I'm really looking forward to it. I've been wanting to play forever, and now I have the chance to learn. It isn't something that I want to make a career out of, but rather I'd like to be able to sit around a camp fire and play Beatles songs. Yes, Beatles. They might be a little bit before my time, but whatever.

I just did my morning pages tonight, this morning I had to run off quickly and then had a million things to do. I feel exhausted now and it isn't even 11pm yet.

I haven't read any of the chapter for this week yet, but I'm about to now. I hope that this week brings a new break through like the ones most recently.

Week 8, Day 1

Discovering a Sense of Discernment

Tired. I am tired.

Tonight I went to a bar with friends for the first time, besides to work, since I've started this program. It's interesting to be in an establishment where you've been totally wasted and then be there sober. Working in bars, this happens all the time, but to be in a place you don't work, IDK, it struck me as odd for some reason tonight. I didn't feel the need to drink, I was fine with my bottled water, but I also just didn't have the fun that I usually do. Granted, every night I go out isn't always the best time in the World, alcohol or no alcohol. My energy wasn't very high tonight, so that most likely has more to do with it then anything else. I don't want to be "sober" forever, I miss red wine. I miss red wine at dinner a lot. I think that what I really need to find is a life of moderation. Perhaps in the beginning it is a good idea to completely cut things out, and then you can slowly add them back in later.

Truly, there are no right answers, just trial and error.

Week 7, Day 7

The end of week 7...

I've done all the tasks for this week. I've walked a ton. I've done all my morning pages. And I HAVEN'T done my artist's date. With that said, I worked 14 hours yesterday and I'm about to do the same today. So, the artist's date may have to wait a couple days.

The morning pages are continuing to be the most powerful tool I've got in my belt. I love them. They allow me to really open myself up and think things out. I think they also just help me to not be so stressed overall. After these 12 weeks, I think I'm going to continue to do them forever. They take 20 minutes and are so worth every moment of it.

Week 7, Day 5

Today is one of those days where I don't know exactly where I stand. The ground feels a little shaky and I'm not sure exactly what way I might tumble. But, why do I assume I will tumble? Can't I just take a deep breathe and gain my balance once again? I've heard from a close friend recently that when you choose to make a lot of changes to your life at one time, it can be very unsettling, but eventually it balances out and you just have to give it time. I feel like I might be working towards that balance, but it's a Hell of a ride and I feel like I could collapse at any moment. With that said, I don't feel like I'm anywhere near a breakdown, but a bit emotional.

The other day I came to the realization that the only "working" relationship I saw growing up was the one between my sister and her high school boyfriend. At the age of around 15, what sort of real functioning relationship could they really have had? From what I remember, not one that was built around mutual respect and pure love for one another. That is in no way to say that they had a "bad" relationship, but when you're so young I don't think anyone knows how to have a "good" relationship. And when you're 15, who can really be held accountable for anything you've done? No one. So, here is the fucked up part, I think because that was the only "working" relationship I saw (working meaning lasting for a few years) I feel that I might base all of my relationships on how I saw theirs work. Yes, as an adult, I've possibly based how a working relationship should work on one my sister had when she was 15. FUCKED UP. Clearly, I have to change my perspective and how I see relationship.

Yesterday I was reminded of this verse from the Bible:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. . .And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. - excerpts from 1 Corinthians 13:4-13

And, that seems like a pretty good place to start.

Week 7, Day 4

The world is so different without alcohol eyeglasses. My entire life is really starting to make sense and I'm learning how to gauge things that are going on in my life. I am starting to learn what really matters and what I would actually like to do with my life. I think starting this summer I'm going to be going back to school for Psychology. I'd like to be able to help other people the way that my therapist has helped me in so many ways. I think I finally figured out what my purpose in life is, and it is to help people. I think helping people and showing them love is the only thing in my life that is going to leave me feeling fulfilled. And, luckily the world needs a lot of love, so maybe it isn't such a bad thing. This is of course, just an idea, but something I feel pretty good about. I also, don't want to be 40, 35, or even 30 and bar tending. I want more then that for myself.

This entire 7 weeks has been crazy to me, I don't even know how I've gotten to where I am. It's been pretty emotionally up and down, but all good. Every emotion is good, at least as far as I can tell. In the book I'm reading, "The Rhythm of Life," it talks about how everything that everyone does is out of love. Everything that everyone does sincerely thinks that the actions they are doing is going to make them happy. And, I believe it. I know everything I do always has me thinking it's the right choice. If I step back and look at the larger picture though and what I actually want from life, I realize it isn't necessarily true and the choice I want to make changes right in front of me.

Off to my on-camera class!

Week 7, Day 3

I'm still here, I'm still on board.

I missed updating this page on Sunday and Monday, but I still did the work.

Sunday was an awesome day and I did put the morning pages off until about 3am. I almost fell asleep writing them. But, I have to find some sort of balance between putting all of this work first and having fun in my life too. I've been spending a lot of time trying to figure things out for myself, which has been awesome, but I need to really find a safe balance to make sure that I'm not using this work to ignore other things in my life. Perhaps reading two books at the same time, taking an on-camera class, doing the blog, and starting a new job is a little much all at the same time. I am half way through though, no stopping now.

Abstinence is changing my life and total way of thinking and looking at relationships. The other day, I reached a level of intimacy with someone that I hadn't experienced in a very long time. It was strange to me to feel so connected and in tune with someone and not have actual sex be involved. It was a very interesting lesson to learn and I really don't know how to explain it. But, I can't believe that I hadn't experienced it earlier on in life.

Some of the lessons I've been learning for the past few weeks have been tough, and hard to hear at best. I'm glad that I'm figuring so many things out though. The other day I my entire life's emotional timeline fell into place and I realized exactly what and why I've been doing things since I was 10 years old. There was an enormous moment of gratitude and silence. Everything just clicked and I loved it. I can only hope and pray for many more moments exactly like that.

Week 6, Day 7

Today ends week 6, Discovering a Sense of Boundaries.

I don't know if I've had any boundary issues this week. I've had my boundaries sexually respected, which was actually really nice. The person said, I respect your choice. To be honest, if I were with someone who said they were currently practicing abstinence I don't know if I'd be able to help myself from pressing the envelope. It's a great feeling to hear someone say, "I respect you." I realize how weird that sounds, everyone should respect each other, and I know that I don't always do it myself. The experience makes me want to reexamine past situations I've been in and understand how respectful I am or am not to everyone else.

This week has been rough for me emotionally. I really have such massive ups and downs with emotions. When I get stressed out, I get anxiety and I STILL want to smoke. I literally was only smoking maybe 1 or 2 cigarettes a day for maybe 8 weeks. I was nowhere near a pack a day or anything close to that. But, still after 6 full weeks I feel a draw to smoke when I get stressed. Perhaps I was addicted to nicotine a bit? I still haven't drank, which has been very difficult because of the bartending. But, overall, I'm getting much more done productivity wise with my life.

My painting is coming along nicely. And I'm excited to have it eventually hanging in my room.

Tomorrow begins week 7, Discovering a Sense of Momentum....

Week 6, Day 6

Today I worked my first double shift bartending in years. I used to do it all the time when I worked a little bar in HK, but this is a little different.

I woke up after an awesome night and wrote my morning pages.

Tomorrow I have a good amount of work to do as well to finish off this week.

Week 6, Day 5

Dear Morning Pages,

Thank You.

Love,
Thomas.

Doing the morning pages everyday has helped me in so many different ways. It has really allowed me to think things out thoroughly and make more logical and emotionally sound choices. I don't have the same thoughts a million times over and over and over again all day any more. Granted, there are still times where I obsess about issues in my life, but for the most part, I haven't been too much.

Week 6 is coming to a close shortly, but my painting is coming along nicely. I've been writing a ton and I feel more connected to myself. Right now, I feel pretty damn happy.

Week 6, Day 4

It's been a really busy week. I've had rehearsal or work every day along with starting a new class. I haven't even had time to finish reading this weeks chapter, which is a rarity for me. I'm about to read a bit now before bed.

Morning Pages: CHECK!

Week 6, Day 3

LONG DAY!

I need to update this in the morning again and no longer at night. I'm too tired to think right now.

Week 6, day 2

Morning Pages: CHECK.

I sometimes have the urge to control everything in my life. Even the aspects that are nowhere within control at all. I've had plenty of moments where something has just seemed unmanageable to myself, so my way of controlling it is to just walk away from it. I'm trying really hard to not do that now with a few situations in my life. The funny thing about life is that you can't control everything and sometimes things just need to play out and whatever happens happens. I have a VERY hard time doing that. I want to know why and how come about everything, and RIGHT NOW! I'm not always the best at just rolling with it. Although, I would like to be much better at it. If I could manage to really just live in the moment more, then I guess I wouldn't worry so much about what's going to happen next, and I'd just be able to enjoy whatever in going on in front of me. Sometimes I just think too much about the next step or what tomorrow brings. A lot of times, in my efforts to control things, I end up busting them into a million pieces. It's very hard to keep yourself in check and stop yourself from not doing it. Even trying to give up control gives me a bit of anxiety, I'm learning how to deal with it.

It's rough.

Stalking, I learned all about it from my best friend.

Yesterday was a beautiful day in NYC. It was sunny and beautiful outside, but of course after working, I didn't get up until 1pm. I left my apartment with 45 minutes until rehearsal to grab coffee and take a short stroll. Picking up my coffee at my usually Starbucks, I started walking down 9th avenue. Hitting 44th street, I crossed and began to walk back uptown. In front of me, a couple caught my eye. The girl seems thin, beautiful, in shape and in very fresh clean clothing. The man who's arm she was attached too was wearing ripped jeans, an old jacket and an interesting hat. Something about them struck me as very interesting. Maybe it was the body language, how clearly she was drawn to him and hanging on his every word. I don't know exactly what it was, but I followed them as they walked hand in hand. The rest of the world didn't seem to matter at all to them. When it came to my block to turn left, then continued, so I figured I had a bit of time and tagged along. I ended up following them until they ducked into a restaurant. If I had more time, I may have ducked in too. I've never followed someone before, or a couple and I'm not sure why I felt the need to. But, there was just something beautiful about them, I wanted to learn more.



Today, on my way to the gym, the same woman came rushing by me. Alone. I couldn't help but stop and take in the moment. No, I didn't follow her, but it was interesting to see her in such a hurry, almost panicked and just different then how I had seen her the day before with her lover. I'm infatuated with people that are in love, I want to know everything about who they both are, why they are in love, how it happened. I want to know how they feel when they are apart, who them become. I imagine they both have very exciting creative lives and a terribly romantic relationship. Of course, I could be wrong, I probably am wrong. But, I'd rather think I'm right.

Week 6, Day 1

Discovering a Sense of Boundaries.

I'm exhausted. I had a long weekend and today was a ton of fun.

I do have some things to share, like how I stalked/followed a cute couple on the street today because I was curious about them and where they were going. Yes, I took a picture. I will give you more details tomorrow. :-)

Week 5, Day 7

Week 5... a tough one in review...

This week has really brought a lot of issues, both good and bad to the surface. When I say both good and bad, I guess I mean more so that dealing with them has been easy and hard. Any issue brought to the surface is always good. It's interesting to me that I am choosing to try and really work through any issue in my life, but in actuality, I don't think I have any issues that are really that much worse then any other "average" person. I've never been into hard drugs, been a drunk, never been physically abused or physically abusive, had an eating disorder, or anything too over the top really happen. For some reason, I struggle with things though, and I think a lot of people are in the same boat. Maybe you can't put your finger on it, but there is still something boiling under the surface that is stoping you from reaching what you see your full potential as being.

This week has seemed to turn me into an open ended nerve. On multiple occasions this week I've burst into tears for no apparent reason. I'll literally be jumping around to one of my favorite songs, and something will blindside me like a burst of lightening and I start to cry. Admitting this is not my proudest moment, but it also doesn't mean anything negative. I probably have some things going on that I haven't dealt with and my new found vulnerability is making it easier and easier for things to set me off. I feel very creative, and I've been painting a ton. The piece I'm working on is coming together awesomely, and everyday I sit down for at least 20 minutes and paint away. I have found myself painting in both quiet and with music and being moved. There is something so calming and interesting in watching a brush move across canvas and leaving a trail behind.

Abstinence

It is getting more and more difficult, but also easier. In the beginning of this "journey", I had decided that for 3 weeks I would abstain from sex and now, I'm thinking that I will until I'm in a relationship. I guess I'm really starting to think that I'm worth waiting for, sort of how I did as a kid. And, it's true. I've had plenty of sex and I still would argue that it is always better when it is with someone you care about. Granted, I've had great sex with people I didn't care about, but the feeling after is of course never the same.

This week I was tested in exactly how dedicated I am. I was making out with someone that I've been spending a decent amount of time with recently and for the first time in a long time, I actually really really enjoyed it. That isn't to say that I haven't enjoyed kissing anyone, or that there is something about this person that makes it any better or blah blah blah. But, just knowing that it wasn't going to lead to sex allowed me to just enjoy it and have fun. I wasn't thinking anything stupid about what underwear I was wearing, would the person like this or that, or anything else that goes through your mind before you have sex. It was as if that scared or nervous part wasn't there, and it was nice. Also, I felt like the person was actually kissing "me", not just kissing another person, but "me".

Drinking and Smoking

I miss having a cigarette on the way to work. I miss having shots at work. I miss drinking red wine at dinner, and I miss just being able to relax behind the bar. A little liquid courage always made the night go a little faster. But, I haven't slipped up, even when I've been stressed out and wanted to. With all the little issues popping up, it seems like nature to grab something to ease your mind from thinking about things, and it's very hard not to just light up, or throw one back and feel better. It's getting easier. It's getting a lot easier.

Yoga

I started yoga this week. I did a class yesterday and one today. I loved them both and I feel calmer and more centered. How much inner work is too much to do at one time? HAHA.

ONE TO WEEK 6!

Week 5, Day 6

It's been a rough one

It was brought to my attention today that perhaps I need to start thinking logically and not just emotionally. Life is about choices, so that makes sense.

Week 5, Day 5

Weekly Walk

Tonight I decided it was a good night to go for my weekly walk. I've sort of had a lot in my head this evening, so I figured it was a good time to walk it out. It's 29 degrees outside, but my toes would argue much colder. I bundled up and decided I'd take a stroll through Time Square. As someone that would call them self a "New Yorker", Time Square is very much a zone that you avoid at all costs. If you live in New York City, the only time you actually go there on purpose is if you have a purpose. Tonight, I did. I wanted to catch a glimpse into what it is that makes so many people gather and stare. I've forgotten what it is like to be amazed by so many bright lights.

When I first moved here, almost 8 years ago at this point, one of my friends from Michigan actually lived downtown. We met up one night to go for a walk aimlessly and ended up in Time Square. I remember thinking how awesome it was that I lived so close to such an awesome place. I was in awe of all the lights and people, the cars, the craziness. I was also filled with pride for myself for following my dream to New York.

Now, I live only a few measly blocks from the center of Time Square and I try my best not to have to go there. I walk around it, or take a different subway stop, I avoid the crowds and people standing in the middle of the side walk to just stare up. It feels like maybe NYC has lost some of it's charm to me. Or, maybe I've just grown past what used to charm me?

Tonight, I walked across 50th street, and directly into the top of Time Square. I slowly walked down Broadway and actually took the time to look around. And, it is true, Time Square has lost the magic to me. There weren't a ton of people all over. There was plenty of space to move around and no one standing in my way. I remember sparkling shinning lights, and now all I see are huge screens with flashing images. The Virgin Megastore is closed and a Forever 21 in it's place. I don't what I expected to feel, or to see, but this wasn't it.

Sometimes you just don't get to see what you expect, or what you want. Sometimes it's just out of your control. I think I often expect things to be a certain way and become very disappointed when everything isn't perfect. I have a hard time giving over control and just trusting that everything will be ok. I want to where, when, why and how come about everything.

MORNING PAGES

CHECK.

Week 5, Day 4

MORNING PAGES!!

Today I couldn't stop myself from writing. Usually I write 2 pages and struggle through the 3rd. Today, I flew past the third and continued to finish the 4th. It was actually a nice experience to just keep going. I wasn't pushing it, but just letting it happen organically. I think a lot of times in life I push push push, instead of just allowing things to be. I get really distracted on wanting them to be "right", and I forget to just enjoy whatever it is I'm doing.

My painting is coming along really wonderfully. I have a full vision in my head of exactly what I want it to look like and I can't wait to have it finished and hanging above my bed.

BIBLE

I'm still reading the Bible as much as I can. Lately it hasn't been every morning and every night, but today I did read for almost an hour, so that makes up for some of it. There are a couple books I'm diving into right now, so I'm trying to take bits and pieces from them all at the same time.

:-)

Week 5, Day 3

The only way out is through...

This week I feel like I've been on an emotional roller coaster with extremes in either direction from one hour to the next. As much as it sucks, I think it is all part of progress and simply means that changes are happening, my energy is realigning and everything is going to be okay. I of course know that everything is always going to be okay, but that isn't always enough comfort to make yourself feel better. Recently I've found some comfort in knowing thinking that everything is in God's hands and there is no reason to have anxiety. This too, doesn't always make everything feel okay. We are humans, and humans are highly emotional brings. Granted, I know some people that seem to have way less emotions and some that have way more, but overall, you get the idea. I don't know exactly where I want to go with this entry, but I feel sort of exhausted and tired. I just feel warn out, partially from thinking too much.

MORNING PAGES!!

I've noticed the depth of my pages have really increased. In the beginning I was basically rambling about the errands of the day, little things that happened or didn't happen. My thoughts were all of the place. Now, I find myself writing about the same topic the entire 3 pages and in controlled legible print. Yesterday I wrote about an experience I had in the lunch room in 5th grade. It was a very random memory, but I could remember every detail, even what I was eating. I love that I'm going places with my writing, below just the surface of a list of the events of the day. I'm excited to see what I'll be writing tomorrow morning.




Every time you raise your voice
I see the greener grass
Every time you run for cover
I see this pasture
Every time we're in a funk
I picture a different choice
Every time we're in a rut
This distant grandeur

My tendency to want to do away feels natural and
My urgency to dream of softer places feels understandable

The only way out is through
The faster we're in the better
The only way out is through ultimately
The only way out is through
The only way we'll feel better
The only way out is through ultimately

Every time I'm confused
I think there must be easier ways
Every time our horns are locked I'm towel throwing
Every time we're at a loss, we've bolted from difficulty
Anytime we're in stalemate of final bowing

My tendency to want to hide away feels easier and
The immediacy is picturing another place comforting to go

The only way out is through
The faster we're in the better
The only way out is through ultimately
The only way out is through
The only way we'll feel better
The only way out is through ultimately

We could just walk away and hide our heads in the sand
We could just call it quits, only to start all over again
With somebody else

Every time we're stuck in struggle, I'm down for the count that day
Every time I dream of quick fix I'm assuaged
Now I know it's hard when it's through
And I'm damned if I don't know quick fix way
But formerly mistreat me silence now outdated

My tendency to want to run feels unnatural now
The urgency to want to give to you I don't want most feels good

The only way out is through
The faster we're in the better
The only way out is through ultimately
The only way out is through
The only way we'll feel better
The only way out is through ultimately

The only way out is through
The faster we're in the better
The only way out is through ultimately
The only way out is through
The only way we'll get better
The only way out is through ultimately

Week 5, Day 2

Morning Pages: CHECK!

I really don't have anything big to report today. I saw Rabbit Hole, not exactly the most uplifting film I've ever seen, but I wasn't really expecting it to be.

I painted for an hour last night. I'm doing a 4X4 canvas for above my bed in my new room. I'm excited about how it's going to turn out. Just the feel of the brush in my hand felt great, it's been too long. I'll post a picture when I'm finished.

Week 5, Day 1

DISCOVERING a SENSE of PERSONAL TERRITORY!!

FIRST THINGS FIRST

Yesterday, before work I wrote all about wanting to dance; how much I miss it. Last night, I danced. I was working with my buddy behind the bar and we danced back and froth for hours. We were just having fun and being ridiculous. I could feel the heart energy radiating off me, I LOVED IT. We were crazy busy, but that didn't stop us from enjoying the moments. One of our favorite past times while working is to mimic what the go-go boys do on the boxes. Before I knew it, I was juggling grape fruit juice cans and eventually limes. :-) I learned how to juggle for a play my freshman year in High School. You'd be surprised the amount of times I do it just to be silly. I should learn a few tricks, it could actually come in pretty handy at some point. I'm not sure exactly when, but hey, ya never know. The point of all this, we danced. I danced and no one died. Who knew?

The title for chapter 1 of Week 5 is, "SEXUALITY VS. CARE-TAKING"

I MEAN, REALLY? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? The whole chapter is about how when you start to go into a relationship or involved in one, that as an artist you have to make sure that you both are taking care of each other and that you one of you is not spending creative energy on simply taking care of the other person. This pertains to my life in a completely unbelievable way. I can't count the amount of times that I have wasted my own personal energy on someone that was undeserving of it, or simply wanted to suck the energy from me. I can't count the amount of times that I've abandoned myself for the care of someone else. The chapter goes on to talk about the connection between sexuality and creativity. It explains how much having love in your life beings light and creativity to you when it is equal. I've never dated an "artist" of any sort. But, I think I should, maybe we would understand each other better? I have friends that are artists and friends that aren't creative at all and don't understand it. You can probably guess which of these groups I talk to about my thoughts, dreams, and goals.

I'm really excited to see where this chapter is going to come and play into my life.

The next chapter is "Stop Being "Nice," and Be Honest." :-)

Week 4, Day 7

CLOSING UP WEEK 4!

I guess today sort of, kind of, constitutes as a month. January isn't over, but it has been 4 complete weeks. I feel like I've hit some sort of rough patch and it's really been tough on me. I just feel frustrated, but I haven't given up. I know that nothing worth anything is easy to get, so I am just choosing to push on and see what happens. This entire week I've been surprised by what the slightest insecurities have caused me to want to do. From drinking, to smoking, to sex, all of which I didn't do. It wasn't until this week that I realized I do have a lot of things that I cling to in order to stay in a feeling and stance of control. When, all of them really just make me in less control. I know all of my answers can be found out there, I just have to look and eventually I think I'll be happy with what I find.

MORNING PAGES! CHECK.

TASK: ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE

I had to finish the phrase, 10 times, "Secretly, I would love to...."

After listing my ten secrets, I picked one to write about for 15 minutes. I wrote about dancing. I miss dancing. It's been a very long time since I've been out to a club (when I wasn't working) and just danced and had fun. It's been so long that I can't even remember the last time. When I was in high school I had a buddy that I would always go out with on the weekends. For hours we would dance and nothing else in the world seemed to matter. Neither of us had any cares, any unmet needs, nothing. All we heard and felt were the vibrations of the music and our feet floating above the floor. For hours we would thrash around uncontrollably and be teenagers. We were free. I miss dancing like that, when the entire world would seem to just rip apart at the seams.

TASK: Invention vs. Convention

This exercise asks you to have a conversation with yourself between what would be considered the artistic side (the emotional side and so forth) and the logical side.

My conversation actually went really well and I felt like I learned a little bit. A lot of the questions that I might be trying to look for, they already exist in myself. I need to be more open to hearing them and letting them guide me.

TOMORROW- Week 5, Discovering a Sense of Personal Territory.

Week 4, Day 6

Today I've felt an underlying pit of anxiety all day and I'm not sure exactly why. It's starting to get rather annoying and I wish it would just go away. I feel like I need to do something really creative to get it out of my system. I have an idea of a painting floating around in my head. Tomorrow for my "artist's date", I plan to go and buy paints, and get it out of my head. There is a 4 ft by 4 ft canvas dancing in my head.

Morning Pages

CHECK.

Tomorrow has come so quickly this week. I have to finish up two exercises along with the artist's date. I think with this process, simply the morning pages are what has really helped me the most.

The urge to drink has pretty much completely gone away, but when I get stressed out, a cigarette is my first craving. I can almost taste the smoke on my lips and feel it lowering my heart rate. I've never really been a smoker, just when I feel something that I want to go away. Escapes become harder when you latch up all the doors.

Week 4, Day 5

A NEW WAY TO DEAL

For pretty much as long as I can remember, I've always been someone that gets attention from someone else when the person I want attention from isn't giving it to me. Right now it is interesting for me because a lot of times in my past that would be sexual attention. Now, because I am choosing to not have sex, what do I do when I want attention and the person I want it from isn't being very giving? Keep in mind, I'm not talking about in a relationship, I don't run off to someone else the second I don't get what I want when actually dating. Sadly, my usual go to as something to make myself feel better about myself is sex. I think that's safe to say for a lot of people, but it is something I'm aware of that I do. It's also something I'm aware of that I'm trying to change. So, the question comes up now, where do I go now when I need to feel better about myself and I'm not using sex, alcohol, or weed? After a long conversation on the phone with a close friend, he simply pointed out, "why don't you do something for yourself instead of doing something for someone else?" DUH! This is actually something that I learned a long LONG long time ago and it some how escaped me.

GOAL for tomorrow- do something special for myself.

MORNING PAGES - CHECK

Week 4, Day 4

I started working at a new job this week, so my schedule is busier then usual. I'm glad about the new job though, because I want to finally pay off my student loans and any credit card debt I have. It would just be awesome to not even have to think about those two things at all. I'd also like to take a few new auditioning classes and such, so every bit helps.

The sketching is coming along. I've never felt sketching was a strong point for myself, but I sort of enjoy my very "abstract" shots.

MORNING PAGES: CHECK!! At this point, the are just habit, I don't even have to think twice to remember to do them.

I have a lot more I'd like to share, but it is very late and I am very tired. Hopefully tomorrow I'll get to dive in further.

NIGHT

Week 4, Day 3

There is snow falling outside in huge chunks which makes me think that maybe this snow fall some will actually stay around for a while. I do enjoy the snow, mainly being from Michigan and all. But, for Walking in this World, it just means that it is also very cold out and I have to do a solid one hour walk sometime this week.

Morning Pages:

As I remember from the Artist's Way, eventually your morning pages become calmer and more legible. For the last few weeks my pages have been filled with swopping letters and words that barely stay within the lines. This week, everything seems more focused, less rushed, more thought out. As I recall, that same thing happened before. My pages have also seemed to become less negative, which is always nice.

SKETCHING!!!

I'm about to head to Starbucks for coffee, and to sketch out an image. Then off to the gym and training at a new job later. :-)

Week 4, Day 2

Last night I sketched for the first time in a very very long time. Week 4 asks that you sketch everyday with what you see in front of you, anywhere, anytime. I've always wanted to be better at drawing, and this first sketch proves just how much practice I need.

I had a great moment this morning at Starbucks (yes, Starbucks again) the girl behind the counter was humming a tune from a Zelda game and I called her out on it. A huge smile came to her face, which made me smile more.

Morning Pages: CHECK!

Week 4, Day 1

Discovering a Sense of Adventure

Week 4 is all about allowing yourself to play and be a real person. It's about not getting stuck into an idea of what your goal is and how to get there, but being able to play and learn along the way. At some point, I did start taking life maybe too seriously. There has to be some ground between feet running full force on the pavement and a stand still. When did I stop pausing to smell the roses? When did I become so afraid to make mistakes or try something new? Maybe looking at the huge picture at one time isn't the best way to get from one place to the next, and I should just relax and bit and enjoy the ride. My fear with that is that I will lose sight of my goals and get lost. But, aside from that, when did I stop playing and having fun?

Recently I got an Apple TV for Christmas and it plays the photos from your computer in a slide show effect that runs up and down the screen while you listen to music. Most of the photos are from a while ago, but I look like I was having such a great time. Granted, mostly drunk, but still, a great time. I want to have more adventure in my life, and this week, that's exactly what its about. Not being afraid to "fail".

Morning Pages: CHECK!

ON TO WEEK 4 AND FEELING BETTER THEN EVER.

Week 3, Day 7

Last night I did not drink, smoke, or act out sexually, even though I was tempted and wanted to. I was feeling vulnerable, but I choose to deal with the emotions head on and I feel better for it. The last three weeks have been going by so easily, I needed that kick in the butt to keep myself in check. I feel great about how I handled it. I'm curious to find out what the next block in my path is going to be. One foot before the other.

Artist's Date

This week I choose to make my date very relaxing. I finally got to hanging my vision boards. They had still been in California until a few weeks ago and now they are back up on my wall where I will see them every morning, right where they need to be. I added a few things to my wall, notes of encouragement from friends and other pieces that simply make me smile. 2011, I'M READY! My bedroom is finally almost all put together and it feels awesome, it feels like home. I've learned that home is a feeling, not a place. For the one hour of my artist's date, I turned the music from my computer into shuffle and I've ben making myself listen to everything that comes on. It's AWESOME! I've got to enjoy a lot of music that I've forgotten about. I still love music from the 90's with all my heart. My kids will probably hate it; I plan to torture them the way my mom did with her music. :-)

This is the end of week 3, week 4 starts tomorrow. I'm officially 25% complete with my goal!!

Learning Lessons

It's very easy to stick to your guns when the world seems to working with you. When something falls that you're not expecting, that's when it's hard.

Apparently I did much worse on an audition yesterday then I thought I did. Right now, I want to smoke, I want to drink. I want to have sex with someone just to feel better about getting bad feedback. I guess these are the moments I've been waiting for. The ones that actually make me deal with how I'm feeling instead of just using something to cover it up.

Week 3, Day 6

TASK: Make Something of It.

I finally got to my final task of the week, aside from my Artist's Date. This task asks you to pick a subject that may have been resting on your mind for a while and you can't see to find closure to it. I choose a personal relationship that I've had issues with shutting the door on. The instructions then tell you to pick up a pile of magazines and spend 20 minutes ripping out images that remind you of the person, subject, scenario, or whatever you had decided on. I went through 4 magazines and tore everything I saw that peaked my interest, no matter how relevant I thought it might be. Then, you are to spend 20 minutes places the images in order on a poster board, in the order that seems to make the most sense to you. After that, spend 20 minutes writing about what you discovered. I actually very surprised to see the final product. It wasn't something I had expected. I came to the realization that 80 percent of the board was given to the "other person" and a small corner to myself. I found that everything I had seen in this other person were only my own dreams, wishes, and ideas, but NOTHING that person actually brought to the table. I was shocked to see how little I actually saw myself in the situation, everything was about them.

Morning Pages:

CHECK: I started out with a thank you letter and forget what I ended with. I do enjoy writing thank you's though, even if a lot of the time they aren't going to actually be sent out.

Tomorrow will wrap up week 3 and I have my Artist's Date. I have no idea what I'm going to do for it yet.

I've noticed, this week I've felt better then ever. It's been almost exactly 3 weeks full without drinking, smoking and sex. My head just feels so much more focused and clear. I had a few friends over for dinner this week and it was very difficult to not grab a glass of wine and join in. But, I didn't. I do miss red wine though, a lot.

Week 3, Day 5

This afternoon I auditioned for a role as a christian evangelist. I thought it was really coincidental because I haven't auditioned for something like that before and I just so happen to reading the Bible for the first time. It was actually a lot of fun today, and that's really all I can say about it. The world works in mysterious ways.

Task: ANGER!

Today I did the task Anger As Fuel, which asks you to list 1-50 on paper and then start out each line with "I'm angry" and finish the sentence. At first I thought, "50 things to be angry about? That's a lot of anger." After about 15, I was on a roll. I guess I didn't notice all the little things that apparently make me angry. A lot of them are little things that are easily fixable in my life, and some that would be nearly impossible. A lot of them are physical things with myself, or where I am in my life. I think the point of the exercise is to take note and acknowledge these things, then come up with ways around them, or ways to overcome them. I would definitely rather grow above then stay stagnate in front of.

Task: Mapping Your Interest

For each set of questions, you have to give 5 answers. Five Topics that Interest Me, Five People Who Interest Me, Five Art Forms That Interest Me, and Five Projects I Could Try Out Are.

After doing the first three I found myself thinking more out of the box and really allowing myself to come up with some creative ways that I could do some risk taking and try out a few of my interests. What's holding me back from trying a pottery class, reading about Abraham Lincoln, or learning how to sketch better? I can't imagine really that much. What's the worst that could happen? What am I waiting for?

Morning Pages:
CHECK - I wrote all about this awful dream I had last night. I actually woke up around 7 am sweating and almost in tears. I laid in bed and wrote out in detail everything had happened. I want to pick up one of those books about understanding your dreams and see what I can find out. I've been told by a lot of people that once you understand your dreams you can understand a lot more about yourself. Does everything in a dream really have a meaning, or only what you make of it?

Week 3, Day 4

Last night I had to change the lock on my apartment door which took me much longer then I had anticipated. I'm not sure exactly what made me think that I knew exactly what I was doing, but I was slightly wrong. I ended up taking both locks off and not being able to get either back on. Then, having to call a friend and have him come over to stay in the apartment while I went to the hardware store again. I ended up getting all the right pieces this time and everything now fits perfectly. It took me a few tries, but overall, I'm glad with the outcome. I've done something similar to this before and it worked just fine. I enjoy taking things apart and then putting them back together again. I can't help but wonder, maybe that's the process I'm going through right now with myself? Taking myself apart, changing a few pieces, and putting myself back together.

Morning Pages

CHECK - At this point, I don't even have to think about doing the morning pages, they just happen. Sometimes I don't have the most enlightening pages, but they are pages none-the-less. For some reason I was remembering the time that right after my parents got a divorce my mom and her friend bought me a Sega. This was when the Sega was still new and a big deal. I opened the car door outside of WalMart and about had a panic attack. It was the coolest thing I had ever gotten. For the next few days, I was happy with everything in my life and all the drama slipped away of my sisters and mom fighting, my parents fighting, and school. I remember I was in 4th grade at the time and I hated my 4th grade teacher. Now, when video game systems come out, I usually run out and buy them, even if I don't really NEED them, but simply want them. I can't help but wonder, maybe I'm just trying to get that feeling back from when I was a kid? Or, maybe it isn't that deep at all and I just like buying things?

Week 3, Day 3

Bless Your Blessing

This is a task this week that asks you to go for a twenty minute walk and just praise the things around. Give thanks to everything that is going on around you. The clothing you are fortunate enough to have, the sky, the sun, everything. It is essentially about realizing all the great things in the world that you probably don't notice on a day to day basis. The goal of this I'm sure is to really look at the world around you and not always get stuck inside the world you create in your head. Yesterday I did this task and I did find that it raised my general spirit for a while. It was hard to stay focused on giving thanks, but I think I got the idea of the exercise. Perhaps the next time I feel down in the dumps I'll go for a walk and focus on everything I have to be happy about.

Luke

Last night I finished reading Mark and this morning started Luke. It gave some details about the relationship of Jesus and John the Baptist, the connection at birth and the angel Gabriel. I have heard of that specific angel many times, but now I know exactly why. It's very interesting for me to hear about all the ties in together and such. I'm enjoying it more and more the further I go. I think I want to study up on religion, all over the board. The topic is very interesting to me, I really enjoy people having faith, and I'm really trying to figure out exactly where mine fits in. It's always important to believe in yourself, but I think it's pretty important to believe in something outside of yourself too.

Morning Pages:

CHECK

This week I have to make a collage of images that I rip out of magazines while I have focused thought on a topic in my life that I might have questions about. The idea is to then place the images together and see what idea and clarity comes from it. I think I might do this tomorrow, but I have to find magazines somewhere!

Week 3, Day 2

Discovering a Sense of Perspective

Yesterday I was filled with plans and not enough time to blog. The day was awesome and I wouldn't change a thing about it. I ended up out in Long Island at a Golden Globes party with a group of great friends.

Week 3 is all about learning how to look at the world. I've heard it said a million times that all you have to do is change how you se things. Everything is real, but it's the angle you use to see them. I know that my day runs smoother when I'm in a better mood and I'm much more forgiving and easier to be around. How easily can you change the way you see the world on a day to day basis? I'm starting to learn that making a long term change really entails simply making the best choices possible over and over again. Nothing longterm is ever overnight and most things are worth working for.

This chapter of the book so far has been about starting to discard the labels you place around yourself and to use your energy to create instead of getting frustrated and irritable. There have been many times in my life where I feel artistically crippled and I remember lashing out at people for reasons that didn't really matter. I would decide that someone or something in my life was making me unhappy and ignore that really it had been that I wasn't expressing myself. Sometimes being creative and allowing yourself to try new things is difficult and scary. What would someone say if they saw? What if it does't look "right"? What if I'm horrible at it? All valid feelings, but what are those unknowns stopping me from doing? Probably a lot more then I realize.

I'm Now Friends With Someone Who Barks

My building in midtown has been known to have a few less-then-centered people that live in here. I'm not including myself in that statement, but I'll understand if you chuckle just the same. There is actually a sort of halfway house across the street and a lot of the people that leave that building move into the surrounding ones so they are still near by. There is one woman who lives in my building that is constantly sitting on the front steps and whenever someone walks by, she growls. Not necessarily a threatening growl, but one none-the-less. I've never seen her bite anyone, but every one of my friends that has come over has noticed. Sometimes I walk past her on the street, or see her at the Starbucks on the corner, and we've never spoken. Until, of course, now, because I'm not wearing headphones. And, well, it's rude to look directly at someone time and time again and not say hi. Now, I can't hide behind my phone, or act like I don't see/hear her because of my music. The first time I smiled and said "Hello", it took her a moment to respond and now, every time I see her, we say hello. She asked me if I had a dog the other day. For no reason I guess. I said, "No, but I really want one. I love dogs." She said I shouldn't get one, that they are horrible. I told her to have a good afternoon and retreated to my apartment. Why does she hate dogs? And furthermore, why does she growl like one if she hates them? I'm curious if maybe she was attacked by one at some point and her growling is her way to protect herself? It certainly keeps people from talking to her, looking at her, and trying to get to know her. Well, most people.

Morning Pages:
CHECK - They've been getting harder because drama is usually easier to write about and right now, I just don't feel like I have that much going on in my life to cause me stress. But, I'm thankful for that, so I'm okay with my morning pages maybe being a little boring.

Week 3 starts today! It's all about art being therapeutic and not therapy. I've had a couple really great insights yesterday and I can't wait to share them. Either tonight or tomorrow morning!

Today is a crazy day or running around, but I'm looking forward to all the surprises.

T

Week 2, Day 7

As week 2 comes to a close, I am noticing somewhat of an energy inside myself that I can control better. It has to do with the feeling out the space around myself. If I concentrate, I feel like I'm allowing myself to grow larger and fill more space. I feel more open, and more in tune with my body and the world. I do believe in energy and being able to control what positive and negative energy you put out. It's been an interesting week.

Morning Pages:

CHECK.

Artist's Date:

This week for my artists date I decided to go looking for white candles for the fireplace in my new room. I would like to fill the space with all sorts of shape and sizes of white candles. It isn't a working fireplace, so an actual fire is out of the question, but flames are okay. Unfortunately, I didn't really find any that I love. Who would think that white candles could be specific? Along my way, I ended up stoping off at the Time Warner Center next to Central Park to possibly pick up a new book. There happens to be a Dali exhibit going on, so I checked it out. I've been a fan of his work for a long time and I hadn't expected to see his bronzed masterpieces in such a space. It's sometimes weird to see art outside of artistic places. To see a piece of work that is so creative and beautiful just thrown out into the hustle and bustle of the world. People casually walked around the pieces as if they were nothing and the people that stopped to read about the pieces were in the minority. Usually "art" is set up in an area around other art, where people are quiet and looking to be moved. But, for art to be the stillness in a crowded busy space, it was almost as if the bronzed statues were watching the people. They were no longer the art, but watching the world as a moving painting. Sometimes I feel like an observer; I love watching people, do anything really. I wonder how it would feel to be standing silently, on display, watching people watch you. In truth, maybe that is exactly what we all are.

Inspirational

Mark 11:24 Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. [25] And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.

Week 2, Day 6

Yesterday was filled with me running all over town and hanging with friends that I needed to catch up with, so I was unable to update from my computer.

Something that I've struggled with for as long as I can remember are the clear boundaries that all relationships must have. It doesn't matter if it is a friendship, dating, or another, there are always boundaries that have to be decided on unconsciously and then vocalized if necessary. I've had it happen multiple times were the boundaries are not clear and then someones feelings get hurt and so forth, so from this point on, I'm choosing to make all my boundaries clear and respect other peoples better. It seems like such a common idea, of course every relationship has places it goes and doesn't go, but when the lines get smudged, it gets messy fast.

This morning I finished the last task for week 2, Shape Shifting. This is a 10 question, fill in the blank, assignment. The goal of the exercise is to lead you into admitting areas of your life that you've always had interest in, but never took the time you seek out and explore. After filling in the questions you have to write to your "inner artist" for 15 minutes in the form of a letter. My letter consisted of apologies for ignoring myself, some of my wants and dreams. I made promises to listen to myself more and to explore areas of my life that i've always been interested in, but for one reason or another choose not to check out. There is a pottery class around the corner of my apartment that I've been meaning to check out, so now would be the best time to do it. :-) One of my sisters is great on "the wheel" and I've often been curious about working with clay. It seems like it could be very soothing, and anything that I can relax my mind to sounds like a good time to me.

Morning Pages:
CHECK!

Tomorrow I have to go on my artist's date. I don't know what I'm planning for myself yet, but it's going to be fun.

Week 2, Day 5

I'm updating from my phone as today is a crazy day. I'll give more details later. :-)

Morning Pages: Check.

I also did my 20 question wish list which then asks you to pick one step for each that moves you closer to making your wish come true!

Week 2, Day 4

Identify Your Identity Walk

Yesterday I mentioned about the 1 hours artists walk that was part of the task of uncovering places of encouragement as a child and how it effects you today. How people have told you who you are and just exactly how big you are allowed to be. Today I took my walk with the focus of my thinking shifted to my childhood and things I loved to do. As a small child I played the sports that my parents signed me up for because I was supposed to. I actually had no choice in the matter. In fact, I hated the competition aspect of the games. My older sisters were involved much more in athletics then I was, but after each game they would spend hours picking apart each player, the things they did and what my sisters could have done better. Many times these conversations would end in anger, frustration, and tears. The outcome of playing the games never really seemed that worth it to me. When I was finally old enough to play little league, I enjoyed it enough to want to join the older team. Which, in turn, took all the fun out of the game. The competitiveness was overwhelming and simply left me not wanting to try. I had no friends on the team and more often then not would end up sitting in the outfield during the innings. No one ever hit the ball to the outfield, so I was fine. I'd usually bat once a game and more often then not, strike out. I was never encouraged by my coach or any of the teams players to do better and I honestly didn't care. My parents had started going through their divorce and there were other things on my mind. Catching a ball or hitting one with a bat seemed much less important then the constant arguing that was exploding between every member of my family.

It wasn't until middle school that I realized I had a talent in the art department. We had a new art teacher that would encourage us to work on our own projects and allow us to create for the sake of creating. I remember the principle of my school asking if he could have a painting I'd done of an indian, and to this day as far as I know, it is still hanging in his living room. Towards the end of my 7th grade years, we had a program called middle school connections and I remember not really telling my family about it until the night of. I assumed that because it wasn't sports, my father would have no interest. To my surprise, he was angry that I hadn't shared it with him and ended up coming that night.

In high school I joined the drama club and took drama class. My parents would come to the shows, but I always felt that my father would only come because he felt he had to. My mother would come, but I don't remember her ever really saying anything good or bad about the shows. It was after her brain surgery and I think it was hard for her to sit through an hour and a half show. I remember my father always congratulating me and taping the shows. I never watched them, but I imagine that if I was to now, they would be rather funny.

Now, living in NYC, I did my first black box theater show a few months ago and my father and step-mom came to visit me in NYC and see the show. Afterwards my father congratulated me again and went on to tell me not to ever let go of my dreams. He told me that no one is ever better then me and not to think that way. He told me never to stop doing what I love and reminded me that it just takes one person to believe in you and give you a chance. It wasn't until this that I realized that my father didn't care of I played sports, or if I acted, he cared that I did something I enjoyed. He pushed for the sports to hard because it was something that he loved, and thought he could share that joy with me, his son. I wonder how different some things would have been for me if I'd listened to his support in high school. I wonder if it would have changed anything at all? I always took my fathers support with a grain of salt, and I should have allowed it to have more value.

Yes, all of this came into clear view during my walk today.

Morning Pages:

Check. I wrote another letter to God. It was filled with my dreams and goals. Hey, if you don't ask, how can you expect to receive?

Tomorrow I have to talk a small walk to think about my real goals and what steps I can take to make them a reality. Life is all about one step at a time, so maybe tomorrow I'll take another one in the right direction. Or, figure out a way to take more then one at a time and make my dreams a reality faster then I thought I could.